Category: U.S.

Trump Fires Comey Over Text

By JACK ARNHOLZ May 10, 2017

President Donald Trump fired F.B.I. Director James Comey Tuesday over allegations that he misled the public. Trump apparently notified Comey over text.Trump Fires Comey

“It sort of came as a shock considering everything we’ve been through,” said Comey. “I mean, I was the giving member of the relationship. I gave him romantic foot rubs, I gave him candlelit dinners, I mean, Christ, I even gave him the presidency!”

“The least Trump could have done would have been to call me or take me out to an ice cream in the park,” Comey said.

Reportedly, Trump has already found a replacement for Comey. Mikhail Vladimirovich, a non-English speaking Muscovite, will head the F.B.I.


Originally published on College Reaction

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Five Ways You Can Help The Environment This Earth Day

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Apr. 22, 2017

In honor of Earth Day, we’ve decided to compile a list of five simple things you can do in your everyday life in order to have a positive impact on this beautiful planet we live on.

  1. Take a tree out on a date, but politely refuse its sexual advances

What better way to help out good ol’ Mother Nature than to take the nearest tree out on a date? Put on something nice, take it to the local fancy restaurant, and make sure to pick up the bill. Afterwards it might insist that you go back to its place for some coffee, but politely refuse and and say you’ll call it tomorrow. This way, you’ll maintain the tree’s interest without playing all of your cards.

  1. Vomit less.

Studies show that 80% of air pollutants are from human vomit. So, do the Earth a solid and try to throw up less often. Whether this means holding off on that extra shot of tequila, or passing on that funnel cake before the roller coaster, try doing whatever it takes to keep the vomit inside your body.

  1. Paint a greenhouse red.

Everyone has heard about the dangers greenhouse gases pose to the atmosphere. They’re bad and they can alter the Earth’s natural systems. In order to combat them, you should try and paint your local greenhouse red. No one has ever heard of redhouse gases harming anything!

  1. Use reusable rabbits.

This one is both good for the environment and cost effective! It’s no secret that everybody keeps rabbits in their sock drawer to sniff occasionally.  But how about using reusable rabbits that you can sniff multiple times? Disposable rabbits are wasteful and bad for the environment; you throw them away after only one sniff! If everyone switched over to reusable rabbits, we’d see big changes in our environment. Mother Earth will thank you for it and so will your wallet!    

  1. Travel only by razor scooter to reduce your carbon footprint.

Reducing our carbon footprint is essential to helping the environment. Some experts have suggested wearing different shoes to reduce your footprint, but we think you can go further. Why walk and leave any tracks at all? Riding around on your razor scooter is a double win: you won’t leave any footprints and you’ll look super cool!

Mike Pence Takes Wife Out to Dinner, Never Calls Her Again

By PAUL GARLICK Apr. 19, 2017

After taking his wife out to an expensive Italian restaurant on Capitol Hill, Mike Pence has reportedly decided to never call her again.

Since Pence is known as a man who upholds the highest standards of 18th century chivalry, this action comes as a shock to most.

President Donald Trump commented, “Let me tell you, I’ve known Mike for years, and he’s great, so great. But this is a big surprise. He’s never even had a meal with another woman unless his wife is there. Man those two must be close. Now to never call her again, he must have become some sort of misogynist overnight. Sad!”

Jesus Makes Second Coming, Gets Deported

By RODGER HEIDGERKEN Apr. 17, 2017

Members of the Community of Christ Church out of Independence Missouri reported witnessing the second coming of Jesus Christ, right in the heart of the United States. Hours after His appearance, Trump signed an executive order demanding the deportation of the religious figure.

President Donald Trump tweeted to the world on Friday, “Fake News @Jesus, failing carpenter and all, is ruining our water industry by turning it into foreign wine business. Sad!”

Congregation member Sarah Atkinson was present as Jesus descended from heaven. She told journalists that, “Jesus appeared to be Middle-Eastern. I was honestly surprised that he wasn’t white.”

The White House made no comment on whether or not their motives to deport Jesus were racially driven, but the inclusion of an accent in the spelling of Jesus (Jesús) in President Trump’s executive order may be an indication of intent.

UCONN Women’s Basketball Team Disbands After Historically Bad Season

By PAUL GARLICK Apr. 14, 2017

Following the UCONN Women’s Basketball loss in the Final Four, Athletic Director, David Benedict has announced that the team will disband altogether.

Though the team had gone undefeated over the last three seasons, this season was a dreadful 36-1.

Upon learning of Benedict’s decision, head coach Geno Auriemma stated, “We had a great run, but after a season like that, I can’t complain about Dave’s decision. I mean, we sucked; we were really, really bad. We actually lost a game. We embarrassed the entire school and the entire state of Connecticut.

The University will now burn the money used to finance the team and their equipment to stay warm through the cold, winter nights.

Racist Viagra Ad Claims South Will Rise Again

By JACK ARNHOLZ and ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 13, 2017

A controversial new Viagra ad released this week used the slogan, “The South Will Rise Again.” The ad reportedly is targeted toward racists.

“We think the slogan will strike a cord with Southern racists with erectile dysfunction,” said Emma Nelson, a marketing executive at Viagra. “Both the possibility of getting an erection and the South rising again may have seemed very unlikely to this demographic, however, due to our great product and a few other recent circumstances, both now seem possible.”

Viagra’s pharmaceutical rival, Cialis, has criticized the new ad. “Cialis has been running racist commercials for years,” said Peter Brown, a representative for the drug. “What do you think the deal was with those separate bathtubs?”

 

Paul Ryan to Replace Obamacare with Bag of Miscellaneous Pills Found Behind Arby’s

By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 23, 2017

WASHINGTON — After last minute changes made by House Speaker Paul Ryal to appease the House Freedom Caucus, the American Health Care Act—the GOP’s replacement for the Affordable Care Act—will now simply be a plastic bag filled with miscellaneous pills that Ryan found behind an Arby’s franchise.

Paul Ryan to Replace“We are finally providing Americans with the health care they want,” Ryan said. “Unlike Obamacare, the American Health Care Act offers choice. Do I want to take the big white pill today, or the little blue one? Should I take both? How many of these pills are suppositories? These are the kinds of decisions that Americans will now have the freedom to make everyday thanks to this bill.”

The Congressional Budget Office will not have time to provide a full analysis of the revised AHCA before the House votes on it tomorrow, upsetting many on the left. “Republicans are trying to sneak their bill through the House before the CBO releases a report because they know they’ll get an abysmal score,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “We don’t even know how many pills are in that bag, let alone what they do, and Paul Ryan is expecting us to just trust him when he tells us they give a good buzz? We need the facts.”

Analysts predict that the AHCA will have a largely negative impact on older, low-income whites, many of whom voted for President Trump. Trump acknowledged the financial strain the bill would have on his supporters and promised to include a provision that would allocate more “fun yellow ones” to his base.

Trump to Expand Military by $54 Billion, Has Big Dick

By JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 8, 2017

WASHINGTON – Earlier this week President Trump announced his plans to expand the United States Military budget by $54 billion and also that he has a large penis.

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                                “[…] give or take a few inches.”
Many White House Press Corps reporters asked Press Secretary Sean Spicer why Mr. Trump devoted over six minutes to discussing his “colossal cock” in his statement. “The President is committed to national security. That is why the administration is committing $54 billion to the military,” Mr. Spicer said. “Also, the President has a gargantuan package. I’ve seen it. It’s very, very big. Trust me.”

During his statement, the President kept his hands out of view from reporters.

Alt-Right Leaders Urge Supporters to Acknowledge Intersectionality of Their Bigotries

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 27, 2017

In an attempt to unify white nationalists across America, leaders of the alt-right are urging supporters to acknowledge and examine the many ways in which the intersectional nature of their bigotries affect how they perceive and interact with the world around them.

“It’s important to foster a community of empathy and acceptance for all white racists, no matter the color he specifically hates,” said alt-right spokesman Richard Spencer. “People think they can separate the many parts of their identity—all the different prejudices they hold—into discreet little chunks, but it doesn’t work that way.”

Spencer continued, “For example, I don’t like Koreans. I don’t like black people. I really don’t like Jews. Those biases are tangled up together; they shape each other. The way I hate Koreans affects the way I hate Jews, and the way I hate black people affects the way I hate Jews, and the way I hate Jews affects the way I really fucking hate Jews. The manner in which these hatreds intersect plays a crucial role in how our repulsiveness manifests itself. There’s no telling what we’ll achieve once white supremacists across the nation are able to recognize and celebrate the ever-changing multiplicities of our bigotries.”