Category: U.S.

Hurricane Taylor On Course to Hit Rock Bottom

By SUMMERS ASKEW Sep. 15, 2017

Hurricane Taylor, a storm sourced from a young girl who’s had her heart broken one too many times, is currently on course to hit rock bottom this fall.

“We just don’t know what to do,” said local listener Chad Michael. “Everything was so pleasant – so innocent – so tolerable – and now this? What did we do to deserve this?”

Hurricane Taylor
                                                              Uh oh.

As the storm approaches, stores around the country are selling out of supplies needed to survive the natural disaster. Local business owner Michael Murray has noticed that Lorde’s Melodrama and Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. have been especially popular. “At this point people will stock up on anything. Even the Julia and Julia soundtrack is sold out.”

The storm is forecasted to affect half the nation, with Florida receiving the most serious blows. Taylor Swift’s new album reputation will be released on November 10, 2017.

Ted Cruz Gives In, Finally Has to See What Sex Looks Like

By SANDRO COCITO Sep. 13, 2017

Former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz caused quite a stir Monday night when he favorited a pornographic tweet from his public Twitter account. This came as a surprise to many, as most people thought Cruz, 46, was exclusively aroused by 19th century furniture.

FILE: Ted Cruz Expected To Make Bid For Presidency
         “Does anyone have a Wet-Nap? My hands are disgusting”

When asked for comment, Cruz stated he “had to do it” since he “had never seen the glorious miracle of creation before.”

“It was such a pure, beautiful, intimately human moment. I just had to share it,” he added, while glancing over to the bukake playing on an iPad next to him.

When pressed about his two daughters, Cruz waved his hands in exasperation, stating, “that whole thing” was “besides the point.” He went on to say that he has “learned that there is only one Reality King: Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

He provided no further comment.

Meet the Founder of Reading Period, Joan Reading

By JACOB BASKES May 15, 2017

At the end of each semester, college students across the country have a vacation known as Reading Period. As it turns out, this tradition, formerly known as “drinking period,” is named in memory of the famed Joan Reading.

cdm_87919Reading was a prominent leader of the drinking culture when she attended the University of Chicago in the 1920’s. It was known throughout the Midwest that she could do a keg stand for 13 minutes before deriving the Lorentz Transformation Equation upside down with one hand tied behind her back. It is no secret either, that her best “disc” time is still the national record, at 16.31 seconds.

Joan was known to make the most of the four-day period that followed the last day of classes, and University of Chicago records show that even in her first year at the University, she downed an average of 17 beers per day throughout the long weekend. In her honor, the University titled the stage between classes and finals, “Reading Period,” and the name has since spread to other institutions of higher education around the country.

Let’s make sure we honor Joan this Reading Period!

 

 

Senate Intelligence Committee Asks Nation Not to Tell Flynn About Awesome Surprise Party

By HUGO HENTOFF May 11, 2017

WASHINGTON — The Senate Intelligence Committee has informed former national security advisor Michael Flynn that, as a part of the continuing probe into the Kremlin’s efforts to manipulate the 2016 election, it has subpoenaed any and all Russia-related documents he may possess. The Intelligence Committee waited for Flynn to use the bathroom and then told the Nation to get ready for the best surprise party ever.

Chairman of the Intelligence Committee Richard Burr (R-N.C) whispered to the entire United States of America, except for Flynn, who was in the bathroom, “Guys, guys, seriously, guys, get ready for the best freaking party of the year. Mikey’s going to walk in and think he has to hand over all of his incriminating files, but really it’s going to be a righteous keger.”

Senate Intelligence Committee
                                       He’s going to be so stoked

The Committee was notified that Flynn would be back soon when they heard him singing a final goodbye to his pet fish, Dandelion, that he had been keeping in his breast pocket for emotional support.

Vice Chairman Mark Warner (R-V.A) quickly told everyone in all 50 states and the nicer parts of Puerto Rico to, “Be cool when he gets back, OK? Just pretend that we’re totally gonna subpoena him and that no one is planning to surprise him with a totally sick rager.”

When the Committee heard Flynn’s footsteps from the hall they quickly tried to look busy by taping photos of various Russian government officials next to photos of Trump campaign staffers on the wall and then arbitrarily connecting them with red string with their brows furrowed.

Trump Fires Comey Over Text

By JACK ARNHOLZ May 10, 2017

President Donald Trump fired F.B.I. Director James Comey Tuesday over allegations that he misled the public. Trump apparently notified Comey over text.Trump Fires Comey

“It sort of came as a shock considering everything we’ve been through,” said Comey. “I mean, I was the giving member of the relationship. I gave him romantic foot rubs, I gave him candlelit dinners, I mean, Christ, I even gave him the presidency!”

“The least Trump could have done would have been to call me or take me out to an ice cream in the park,” Comey said.

Reportedly, Trump has already found a replacement for Comey. Mikhail Vladimirovich, a non-English speaking Muscovite, will head the F.B.I.


Originally published on College Reaction

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Five Ways You Can Help The Environment This Earth Day

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Apr. 22, 2017

In honor of Earth Day, we’ve decided to compile a list of five simple things you can do in your everyday life in order to have a positive impact on this beautiful planet we live on.

  1. Take a tree out on a date, but politely refuse its sexual advances

What better way to help out good ol’ Mother Nature than to take the nearest tree out on a date? Put on something nice, take it to the local fancy restaurant, and make sure to pick up the bill. Afterwards it might insist that you go back to its place for some coffee, but politely refuse and and say you’ll call it tomorrow. This way, you’ll maintain the tree’s interest without playing all of your cards.

  1. Vomit less.

Studies show that 80% of air pollutants are from human vomit. So, do the Earth a solid and try to throw up less often. Whether this means holding off on that extra shot of tequila, or passing on that funnel cake before the roller coaster, try doing whatever it takes to keep the vomit inside your body.

  1. Paint a greenhouse red.

Everyone has heard about the dangers greenhouse gases pose to the atmosphere. They’re bad and they can alter the Earth’s natural systems. In order to combat them, you should try and paint your local greenhouse red. No one has ever heard of redhouse gases harming anything!

  1. Use reusable rabbits.

This one is both good for the environment and cost effective! It’s no secret that everybody keeps rabbits in their sock drawer to sniff occasionally.  But how about using reusable rabbits that you can sniff multiple times? Disposable rabbits are wasteful and bad for the environment; you throw them away after only one sniff! If everyone switched over to reusable rabbits, we’d see big changes in our environment. Mother Earth will thank you for it and so will your wallet!    

  1. Travel only by razor scooter to reduce your carbon footprint.

Reducing our carbon footprint is essential to helping the environment. Some experts have suggested wearing different shoes to reduce your footprint, but we think you can go further. Why walk and leave any tracks at all? Riding around on your razor scooter is a double win: you won’t leave any footprints and you’ll look super cool!

Mike Pence Takes Wife Out to Dinner, Never Calls Her Again

By PAUL GARLICK Apr. 19, 2017

After taking his wife out to an expensive Italian restaurant on Capitol Hill, Mike Pence has reportedly decided to never call her again.

Since Pence is known as a man who upholds the highest standards of 18th century chivalry, this action comes as a shock to most.

President Donald Trump commented, “Let me tell you, I’ve known Mike for years, and he’s great, so great. But this is a big surprise. He’s never even had a meal with another woman unless his wife is there. Man those two must be close. Now to never call her again, he must have become some sort of misogynist overnight. Sad!”

Jesus Makes Second Coming, Gets Deported

By RODGER HEIDGERKEN Apr. 17, 2017

Members of the Community of Christ Church out of Independence Missouri reported witnessing the second coming of Jesus Christ, right in the heart of the United States. Hours after His appearance, Trump signed an executive order demanding the deportation of the religious figure.

President Donald Trump tweeted to the world on Friday, “Fake News @Jesus, failing carpenter and all, is ruining our water industry by turning it into foreign wine business. Sad!”

Congregation member Sarah Atkinson was present as Jesus descended from heaven. She told journalists that, “Jesus appeared to be Middle-Eastern. I was honestly surprised that he wasn’t white.”

The White House made no comment on whether or not their motives to deport Jesus were racially driven, but the inclusion of an accent in the spelling of Jesus (Jesús) in President Trump’s executive order may be an indication of intent.

UCONN Women’s Basketball Team Disbands After Historically Bad Season

By PAUL GARLICK Apr. 14, 2017

Following the UCONN Women’s Basketball loss in the Final Four, Athletic Director, David Benedict has announced that the team will disband altogether.

Though the team had gone undefeated over the last three seasons, this season was a dreadful 36-1.

Upon learning of Benedict’s decision, head coach Geno Auriemma stated, “We had a great run, but after a season like that, I can’t complain about Dave’s decision. I mean, we sucked; we were really, really bad. We actually lost a game. We embarrassed the entire school and the entire state of Connecticut.

The University will now burn the money used to finance the team and their equipment to stay warm through the cold, winter nights.