Category: World

Four-Part Beatles Biopic To Result In Four Times The Insufferability Of Fans 

With the first images of Sam Mendes’ four-part Beatles biopic released, the internet is abuzz with discussion of these upcoming films. Will Paul Mescal nail that McCartney role? Will Ringo’s nose be large enough? And most importantly, just how goddamn annoying are Beatles devotees going to be about it?

The Harpoon reached out to musicologist, Oko Yono at the University of Liverpool, for more clarity on the topic.

“When these types of films come out, we typically see two reactions. One is a collective yawn from the general public feeling cheated out of a few hours and twenty bucks to see Timothée Chalamet in a film without getting spanked on screen. The other is from the fans, who gather in a sort of hivemind to endlessly ‘erm actually’ their friends while watching,” said Yono.

Yono says she receives a large volume of calls every time a musical biopic comes out, and that trend has only gotten worse.

“I can’t imagine what’s going to happen when those four Beatles movies drop. All I can say as a professional now is to stock up on food and water for the shelter. Yes, shelter. It might be safest to ride out Beatlemania underground with a Spotify account and no music from before 1990,” she added. “If the fans try to talk to you about anything Beatles related, just stand your ground and say confidently that you listen to Radiohead. That seems to short-circuit their brains.”

Trump Tariffs Make Everything Cheaper and Better and More Awesome

We don’t make anything anymore! Everything’s from Mexico or Africa or CHINA. We used to make things, and China would buy those things from us! It doesn’t happen like that anymore… But Trump is gonna change all that. Basically, we put a tariff on a country and they pay for it. Let’s say you wanna buy a 50 inch flat screen OLED display television from Samsung. It costs $200. If we do a 50% tariff on China, that means they pay for half of it. So you get the TV for $100! Now that Trump is President, a guy like me can get a new TV for half off! I’ve wanted a new TV for a while, and I know that millions of good, god-fearing Americans want the same things that I want. Trump’s gonna give it to us, and we’re gonna love it!

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Opinion: Yoda’s strict Jedi textualism bolstered the rise of anti-republican sentiment among the Umbarans, leading to Vader’s rise

Jedi textualism, the interpretative approach which focuses on close observance of the Jedi Code, cemented itself as the dominant mode of Jedi engagement throughout the late Clone Wars. The Jedi textualist approach, which became particularly popular within populist Alderaanian system and Republican Naboo parsec, was propagated primarily through the doctrine of Jedi Grand Master Yoda. Yoda’s prodigal rise through the Jedi order among peers like Plo Koon, Yaddle, Pra-Tre Veter, Brandon Nimmo, Yarael Poof, Isaac Okoro, Oppo Rancisis, Mace Windu, Julius Randle, Tera Sinube, Cohmac Vitusm, and Sifo-Dyas, was unprecedented in galactic history and can be attributed to his strict adherence to mystical doctrine as it was written during the Dawn of the Jedi.

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Evan G On His Time Overseas

BY TAVI GREENFIELD

When I got to Bowdoin last year, all anyone was talking about was Evan G. They put up posters with his face all over the place, organized runs for him, and held talks discussing his “detainment”. With all this support on campus, it seemed like this guy must have been going through hell. But my mama didn’t raise a sheep, and being the independent, free-thinking journalist I am, I decided to do my own research and see how brave this Evan G guy actually was. So, back in July, I did a quick directory search and reached out to Evan Grauer ‘26 with some questions. These were his answers:

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An Ode to the New York Synagogue Tunnels

by STAFF WRITER  | Feb 2nd, 2024

As a young Jewish boy growing up in New York City, there were many places throughout the city that served as cultural landmarks for my religious identity. My synagogue blocks away from our apartment. The 2nd Ave Deli where we would frequent on weekends. The tunnel beneath the Chabad-Lubavitch global headquarters in Crown Heights. 

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Single Lesbians Settle for BOC Men on Valentine’s Day

by STAFF WRITER  | Feb 8th, 2024

Valentine’s Day is stressful for single students; you haven’t talked to your marriage pact since last semester, your campus crush would just be a hail mary, and Bax basement isn’t exactly the place to find love. Most end up spending the Day with their single peers, but this February, Bowdoin’s lesbian population is taking a more resourceful approach. Conveniently, Bowdoin is home to more than one population of mullets and Blundstones. That’s right—those struggling with the female demographic are opting for the next best thing: BOC men.

“Sometimes I can’t even tell the difference,” said one first-year, blaming the common BOC wardrobe of short-sleeve button-down shirts and cargo pants. “Honestly, I’ve accidentally hit on them a few times in the College Houses.” The two groups also conveniently have overlapping interests; our sources report spotting the new “couples” bouldering, working on their Subarus, and comparing Nalgene stickers. 

But soon enough, they will come to terms with reality. A few shared vegetarian meals may ease the pain of a lonely Valentine’s Day, but BOC men will never replace the real thing. Nonetheless, we at the Harpoon hope this serves as a reminder that we’re more alike than we think. Lesbians, if you see a BOC man around campus, give him a tip of your five-panel hat. And we’re sure he’ll tip his back. 

Things I Didn’t Miss About Bowdoin While Being Abroad

by STAFF WRITER | Feb 1st, 2024

By one of the thirty women you know who just got back from their semester in Europe 

Last semester, I studied abroad in [insert bougie country here], and here are some things I absolutely did not miss about Bowdoin:

  • The shockingly dry chicken at the dining halls 
  • Paying $7.89 for a head of lettuce at Hannaford if I decide to cook at home 
  • Opening Grubhub and getting two options (that being Watami and… no that’s actually it, right?)
  • Getting catcalled by the teenagers of the Brunswick High School in their dad’s pick up truck while I’m walking down South street
  • Seeing NARPs wearing shorts in 20 degree weather. Bonus points if it’s a man on the swim team with shaven legs.
  • Getting kicked out of an HL study room at 7pm by a math major who claims to have reserved it for the next 5 hours 
  • Bowdoin computer updates every other day
  • The Orient 
  • Walking into class and seeing that one guy who speaks exactly like ChatGPT would if it was a real person, or that one girl who raises her hand to answer every question with random buzzwords she learned on TikTok
  • Dropping a class because I’m too dumb for it, then joining a new one only to learn that the professor is the “king of cold calls”
  • Ripping Celsius to the point where I feel like I’ve just smoked crack, but really I just have a pile of homework bigger than the average econ professor’s ego
  • Mud season
  • Long line at the mail center
  • Getting yelled at in the mail center to have my student ID ready when it’s literally in my hand
  • Finally getting a biweekly paycheck from working a student job on campus only for it to be like $80
  • Working so hard on an assignment just to get a B- 

There are, however, some things I did actually miss about Bowdoin:

  • Once, I saw a 65 year old man at the beach wearing nothing but a thong, and I just feel like that would never happen at Bowdoin. I didn’t even study abroad in France. 
  • Wearing sweatpants wherever I want while still remaining a part of the norm
  • Cheap drinks at Thursday night Bolos 
  • The Harpoon