Anthropologists convened in London this week for the annual Anthropological Society Symposium. At one of the various conferences, a committee of modern, historical, and pre-historical anthropologists took a near unanimous vote declaring the Stoned Age the least productive, most chill epoch of human history.
“The Stoned Age is a historic period that lasted anywhere from 10 to 500,000 years,” said Todd Fairfield, a member of the society. “We’re still pretty foggy on how much time actually passed, but we do know that humans who lived during the Stoned Age accomplished very little. There exists no evidence of any sort of widespread innovation or ambition. Had they not been such ravenous people, they likely wouldn’t have even bothered hunting, although they most definitely would have gone on gathering. Humans of that era loved their leafy greens.”
Anthropologists studying the Stoned Age have unearthed various artifacts that give a sense of what life was like for these early humans. Ancient drug rugs, Cheeto bags, and Bob Marley posters suggest that our perpetually relaxed ancestors worshipped, in some form, the ganja.
While in other stages of human history fire was used primarily for cooking, it seems that hominids in the Stoned Age utilized fire exclusively for smoking fat blunts. No samples of these blunts were brought to the symposium, so anthropologists were forced to roll their own.
The Symposium will remain in London until the end of the week, but researchers expect to feel the effects for some time after.
Members of ISIS stationed near the Turkish border were pleasantly surprised by an order of bath bombs this week.
“We thought they were bombs specifically designed to blow up bathtubs,” said one member. He continued, “We really wanted to combat the whole ‘you’re more likely to die in a bathtub than in a terrorist attack narrative.’ What we got instead turned out to be so much better. It has really kept spirits high even after losing control of Mosul.”
“My personal favorite is the ‘Cheer Me Up Buttercup.’ The blend of citrus really just brightens my mood and makes me feel completely rejuvenated,” said another. “I would be lying if I didn’t say I am a little disappointed I have not had the chance to use the ‘Sex Bomb.’”
“We have never been so prepared to purify our skin and purify the Earth of the stain of infidels,” said the team’s leader.
After much personal reflection, I can no longer sit idly by while climate science deniers take center stage in the corrupt, Jewish media. We can no longer deny the relationship between CO2 emissions and the rising temperature of our beautiful, flat planet.
If we do not act now, our children’s futures will be poisoned. They already suffer enough under the fist of the oppressive theory of a spherical Earth, why must they also suffer from asthma and rising tides?
When God made the Earth 6,000 years ago, He made it perfectly in His image. Now, His very creation is on the verge of destroying itself. Soon, all the ice caps will melt and our drinkable water will simply flow over the edge into the abyss.
We must stand strong in the face of this daunting task. If we cannot save the Earth, how will we save ourselves from other tragedies like homosexuality and Catholicism?
Following the electoral success of Emmanuel Macron, many French pre-school teachers have begun prowling their classrooms for future French presidents.
“Macron’s wife really was the first to exhibit this kind of foresight and date someone twenty four years younger,” said one teacher. “I mean, to stay together after his parents sent him away to Paris because they disapproved of the relationship. That’s love.”
“I’m not that picky,” said another teacher. “I don’t really see age; I could date someone older, my age, or younger. I would honestly marry a fetus if I thought it had a chance of being the next president.”
Some teachers have instituted mock elections to see which children have the potential to be likable politicians. “The ones who bully the Muslim students seem to poll really well,” observed one teacher.
As tensions between the United States and North Korea continue to escalate, Dictator Kim Jong-Un realized that he might be dealing with a madman: President Donald J. Trump.
“Look,” Kim said, “I’m a bad guy. I mean, I fed one of my uncles to a pack of rabid wolves in a soccer stadium for God’s sakes. But this guy Trump is in a whole different category. I mean, lying about sending a warship to Korea? What the fuck?”
When asked if he had anything in common with Trump, Kim said, “Well, we were both endorsed by Dennis Rodman.”
Syria has been all over the news lately. But with so much conflicting information clogging our airwaves, it’s tough to figure out exactly what’s happening. So, let’s address the question we’re all asking about Syria: where is it?
The unfortunate truth is that we’re not quite sure.
Depending on whom you ask, it could be in space, hiding, or all around us. In an era of politically divided news sources, where you think Syria is really depends on who you voted for in 2016. For that reason, we’ll start to answer this question by listing where we know it’s not.
For one, we know that it’s not in the basement fridge. While we don’t know exactly how big Syria is, we do know that there are at least three people in it, and the fridge only holds two. We can also be fairly sure that it’s not in the Middle East, because that would just be silly. The Middle East has enough shit going on already, so we won’t burden it further by just throwing Syria right into the middle of it.
Even though we haven’t figured out exactly where Syria is, we’ve deduced enough to move into more complicated questions, like, “Who lives there?” and, “Why does the U.S. feel the need to diminish the importance of civilian casualties caused by our country’s airstrikes aimed at eliminating terrorist headquarters?”
Donald Trump invited Matisyahu to the White House this week for the first of many meetings between the new administration and Israel.
Wednesday’s meeting covered a variety of topics, including Israeli settlements in the West Bank, the location of the U.S. Embassy in Israel, and Matisyahu’s 2014 album, “Akeda.” President Trump’s counselor Kellyanne Conway seemed very excited to host the Prime Minister for the first time in the 2016 term. “I’ve always been a fan — from the beginning, really. I followed his first campaign in 1996, and I was one of the first to get debut album in 2004,” said Conway. “I even got a free shirt with it. It said something in Jewish, I’m not really sure what though.”
Only White House officials were allowed to attend the meeting. Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) was seen outside the White House with a Sharpie and Matisyahu t-shirt in hand. “The Prime Minister has been to the Prudential Center in Newark a few times, but I’ve never been able to attend. It would be pretty neat to meet the man, maybe even get his autograph.”
“I’ve always wondered,” continued the senator, “how he has managed to balance a blatant disregard for international pressure with a successful music career.”
In a press conference last week, Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu made clear his opposition to a two-state solution, claiming that it would “simply make Israel too hard to draw.”
Netanyahu’s lack of artistic ability has long been in the national spotlight, but few believe that it has marred his otherwise spotless political record. His statement comes on the heels of continued violence against Palestinians living on the border. Despite international pressure, Netanyahu seemingly can’t stay within the lines.
When asked about the United States’ stance on the issue, President Trump’s nominee for ambassador to Israel David Friedman commented, “Bibi’s always been a little artistically challenged. Once I walked into his office and saw that he’d crudely scribbled, ‘ISRAEL’ in crayon over his whole map of the Middle East.” Friedman added that the U.S., though it “supports Netanyahu, would not pay for art lessons of any kind.”
WASHINGTON – In a controversial move this week, Donald Trump has pledged to move the US embassy in Johannesburg to the year 1992.
Mr. Trump was overheard referring to the year as a time “before it all went wrong, if you ask me.” After a few hours of deliberation and fine tuning procedural measures, the deal was quickly agreed to by former Apartheid president F.W. de Klerk.Mr. Trump has pledged he will work with Mr. de Klerk to deal with “outside agitators like that Mandela guy.”
Interestingly, Trump also announced that his pick to lead the American diplomatic mission to Israel, David Friedman, would also serve as ambassador toSouthAfricacirca 1992.
WASHINGTON – In a sweeping new executive order, President Donald Trump has outlined new immigration and vetting procedures for 7 Muslim majority countries, which includes a 90 day ban on all travel, immigration, and refugee processing. The action will also prioritize Christian refugees and women who are at least a 9 on the Homeland Security Department’s new 10-point rating scale.
“I’m establishing new temporary vetting measures to keep radical Islamic terrorists out of the United States of America. Don’t want them here. We have a duty to protect Christians and very attractive women. Very beautiful. Great legs,” Trump said earlier on Friday at the Pentagon. “We want only the best, and starting today the best is what we’ll have. No fatties.”
Democrats and world leaders alike have been quick to condemn the action and point out flaws with its implementation. A New York federal judge has put a stay on the order, saying that it would hurt America’s reputation as a nation of immigrants and that a 7 with a good rack can compete with any 9.