Category: World

The Question We’re All Asking About Syria: Where is it?

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 25, 2017

Syria has been all over the news lately. But with so much conflicting information clogging our airwaves, it’s tough to figure out exactly what’s happening. So, let’s address the question we’re all asking about Syria: where is it?

The unfortunate truth is that we’re not quite sure.

The Question We're All Asking About Syria
                     Where are you, Syria? You wily little minx, you.

Depending on whom you ask, it could be in space, hiding, or all around us. In an era of politically divided news sources, where you think Syria is really depends on who you voted for in 2016. For that reason, we’ll start to answer this question by listing where we know it’s not.

For one, we know that it’s not in the basement fridge. While we don’t know exactly how big Syria is, we do know that there are at least three people in it, and the fridge only holds two. We can also be fairly sure that it’s not in the Middle East, because that would just be silly. The Middle East has enough shit going on already, so we won’t burden it further by just throwing Syria right into the middle of it.

Even though we haven’t figured out exactly where Syria is, we’ve deduced enough to move into more complicated questions, like, “Who lives there?” and, “Why does the U.S. feel the need to diminish the importance of civilian casualties caused by our country’s airstrikes aimed at eliminating terrorist headquarters?”

Trump Meets With Israeli Prime Minister Matisyahu

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 4, 2017

Donald Trump invited Matisyahu to the White House this week for the first of many meetings between the new administration and Israel.

Wednesday’s meeting covered a variety of topics, including Israeli settlements in the West Bank, the location of the U.S. Embassy in Israel, and Matisyahu’s 2014 album, “Akeda.” President Trump’s counselor Kellyanne Conway seemed very excited to host the Prime Minister for the first time in the 2016 term. “I’ve always been a fan — from the beginning, really. I followed his first campaign in 1996, and I was one of the first to get debut album in 2004,” said Conway. “I even got a free shirt with it. It said something in Jewish, I’m not really sure what though.”

Only White House officials were allowed to attend the meeting. Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) was seen outside the White House with a Sharpie and Matisyahu t-shirt in hand. “The Prime Minister has been to the Prudential Center in Newark a few times, but I’ve never been able to attend. It would be pretty neat to meet the man, maybe even get his autograph.”

“I’ve always wondered,” continued the senator, “how he has managed to balance a blatant disregard for international pressure with a successful music career.”

Netanyahu: “The Two-State Solution Would Simply Make Israel too Hard to Draw”

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 11, 2017

In a press conference last week, Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu made clear his opposition to a two-state solution, claiming that it would “simply make Israel too hard to draw.”

Netanyahu’s lack of artistic ability has long been in the national spotlight, but few believe that it has marred his otherwise spotless political record. His statement comes on the heels of continued violence against Palestinians living on the border. Despite international pressure, Netanyahu seemingly can’t stay within the lines.

Netanyahu’s personal map of the Middle East.

When asked about the United States’ stance on the issue, President Trump’s nominee for ambassador to Israel David Friedman commented, “Bibi’s always been a little artistically challenged. Once I walked into his office and saw that he’d crudely scribbled, ‘ISRAEL’ in crayon over his whole map of the Middle East.” Friedman added that the U.S., though it “supports Netanyahu, would not pay for art lessons of any kind.”

Trump to Move South African Embassy to 1992

By SANDRO COCITO Feb. 9, 2017

WASHINGTON – In a controversial move this week, Donald Trump has pledged to move the US embassy in Johannesburg to the year 1992.

Mr. Trump was overheard referring to the year as a time “before it all went wrong, if you ask me.” After a few hours of deliberation and fine tuning procedural measures, the deal was quickly agreed to by former Apartheid president F.W. de Klerk. Mr. Trump has pledged he will work with Mr. de Klerk to deal with “outside agitators like that Mandela guy.”

Interestingly, Trump also announced that his pick to lead the American diplomatic mission to Israel, David Friedman, would also serve as ambassador to South Africa circa 1992.

Trump’s Immigration Policy to Prioritize Christians, Leggy 9s

By SANDRO COCITO Feb. 2, 2017

WASHINGTON – In a sweeping new executive order, President Donald Trump has outlined new immigration and vetting procedures for 7 Muslim majority countries, which includes a 90 day ban on all travel, immigration, and refugee processing. The action will also prioritize Christian refugees and women who are at least a 9 on the Homeland Security Department’s new 10-point rating scale.

“I’m establishing new temporary vetting measures to keep radical Islamic terrorists out of the United States of America. Don’t want them here. We have a duty to protect Christians and very attractive women. Very beautiful. Great legs,” Trump said earlier on Friday at the Pentagon. “We want only the best, and starting today the best is what we’ll have. No fatties.”

Democrats and world leaders alike have been quick to condemn the action and point out flaws with its implementation. A New York federal judge has put a stay on the order, saying that it would hurt America’s reputation as a nation of immigrants and that a 7 with a good rack can compete with any 9.

ISIS Leader Loses Social Media Privileges After Offensive Tweet

By JACOB BASKES Nov. 29, 2016

International sources have reported that a high-ranking ISIS official has been stripped of his social media privileges after a recent controversial tweet.

The 3:00 AM tweet, located below, has since been removed from the terrorist group’s account. ayvtw

Many ISIS supporters and sympathizers found the tweet offensive. “That sort of racial stereotyping is despicable and will not be tolerated in this organization,” said one ISIS member.

In response to the controversy, ISIS has made donations to several Asian non-profits and is offering counseling to anyone hurt by the tweet.

Celebrities Reveal Secret to Weight Loss: Genetics

By ETHAN BEVINGTON April 25, 2016

After extensive prying from media sources, actress Megan Fox revealed her secret to getting her incredible body: genetics.

“Once I discovered genetics, it changed my life,” said Fox. “If you’re tired of trying products that promise results but don’t deliver, you should try genetics.”

          Side effects of genetics may include toe thumb

Fox continued, “Genetics is the easy, hassle-free method of getting a body you can be proud of. Why waste your time with healthy eating and exercise when you can lose weight today with genetics?”

“I too used to suffer from being ugly,” said another genetics spokesperson, Adam Levine. “Luckily, I started using genetics. After approximately five years of hard work, battling acne, baby fat, and prom, I achieved a body that makes pre-teens feel things that their parents won’t explain to them— all thanks to genetics.”

“If you want to be able to eat a wheelbarrow full of Olive Garden breadsticks and not gain a pound, then genetics is right for you,” concluded Fox.*

*Results may vary depending on parents, family health history, body-type, and the general lottery of birth


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NRA Begins Arming Children to Fight Hunger in Africa

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 18, 2016

In a shocking new development for the organization, the National Rifle Association has chosen to take their agenda to the international stage and is now arming African children in their fight against hunger.

“When I learned that hunger kills nearly 17,000 children in Africa each year, I was appalled,” said Wayne LaPierre, an NRA executive. “If these children were armed, none of this would ever happen. We’re giving these kids guns so that they can finally take a stand against the bastard that has killed so many innocents”

A delighted African child posing with his new best friend

After receiving an AR-15, one child in Chad said, “What is this?” Another in Togo said, “I can’t eat this,” while his brother inquired about the next time he would receive clean water or food.

The NRA plans on airdropping boxes of arms directly into villages so as to allow universal access to safety. These boxes will include instructions in both English and Spanish that condenses the strenuous four-hour training course required to obtain a firearm in America into a few concise statements.

In an effort to remain eco-friendly, bullets for these guns will be made from recycled background checks.


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White 11-Year-Old Not Accepted to Hogwarts, Blames Affirmative Action

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 5, 2016

Jeremy Wilkerson, a Harry Potter enthusiast, was not accepted to The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry last Wednesday on his eleventh birthday. Wilkerson blames affirmative action for this rejection.

“It’s not fair,” said Wilkerson, “The only reason a magic owl didn’t deliver me an acceptance letter is because my spot in the class was taken by some black kid who was probably a worse candidate than me. That’s the only explanation that makes sense.”

Dean Thomas, a wizard Wilkerson claims unfairly benefits from affirmative action. Thomas is one of two black wizards at Hogwarts.

“This is reverse racism, and I won’t stand for it,” said Wilkerson. “Applicants are being persecuted just because they’re white. Before long, Hogwarts as we know it won’t even exist. I mean, it’s platform 9 ¾, not platform 9 ⅗.”

When informed that the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is a fictitious institution, Wilkerson neglected to provide any additional comments, but his mother reports she could hear his childish sense of magic and whimsy die.


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