After extensive prying from media sources, actress Megan Fox revealed her secret to getting her incredible body: genetics.
“Once I discovered genetics, it changed my life,” said Fox. “If you’re tired of trying products that promise results but don’t deliver, you should try genetics.”
Fox continued, “Genetics is the easy, hassle-free method of getting a body you can be proud of. Why waste your time with healthy eating and exercise when you can lose weight today with genetics?”
“I too used to suffer from being ugly,” said another genetics spokesperson, Adam Levine. “Luckily, I started using genetics. After approximately five years of hard work, battling acne, baby fat, and prom, I achieved a body that makes pre-teens feel things that their parents won’t explain to them— all thanks to genetics.”
“If you want to be able to eat a wheelbarrow full of Olive Garden breadsticks and not gain a pound, then genetics is right for you,” concluded Fox.*
*Results may vary depending on parents, family health history, body-type, and the general lottery of birth
In a shocking new development for the organization, the National Rifle Association has chosen to take their agenda to the international stage and is now arming African children in their fight against hunger.
“When I learned that hunger kills nearly 17,000 children in Africa each year, I was appalled,” said Wayne LaPierre, an NRA executive. “If these children were armed, none of this would ever happen. We’re giving these kids guns so that they can finally take a stand against the bastard that has killed so many innocents”
After receiving an AR-15, one child in Chad said, “What is this?” Another in Togo said, “I can’t eat this,” while his brother inquired about the next time he would receive clean water or food.
The NRA plans on airdropping boxes of arms directly into villages so as to allow universal access to safety. These boxes will include instructions in both English and Spanish that condenses the strenuous four-hour training course required to obtain a firearm in America into a few concise statements.
In an effort to remain eco-friendly, bullets for these guns will be made from recycled background checks.
Jeremy Wilkerson, a Harry Potter enthusiast, was not accepted to The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry last Wednesday on his eleventh birthday. Wilkerson blames affirmative action for this rejection.
“It’s not fair,” said Wilkerson, “The only reason a magic owl didn’t deliver me an acceptance letter is because my spot in the class was taken by some black kid who was probably a worse candidate than me. That’s the only explanation that makes sense.”
“This is reverse racism, and I won’t stand for it,” said Wilkerson. “Applicants are being persecuted just because they’re white. Before long, Hogwarts as we know it won’t even exist. I mean, it’s platform 9 ¾, not platform 9 ⅗.”
When informed that the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is a fictitious institution, Wilkerson neglected to provide any additional comments, but his mother reports she could hear his childish sense of magic and whimsy die.