Tag: Bowdoin

C-Store Becomes CBD Store

by HOLLY LYNE April 4, 2019

The dankest new wellness trend is blazing into Bowdoin: CBD. “The College is thrilled to announce that the beloved C-Store will be renovated and renamed the CBD-Store,” announced Director of Counseling and Wellness, Dr. Bernie R. Hershberger. “We have just begun remodeling the space and ordering a new inventory. The ribbon cutting ceremony for the brand new CBD-Store will take place on April 20 at 4:20 PM.”

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Mass Hall a “Total Masshole” According to Other Academic Buildings

by FREDERICKA HIBBS Mar. 28, 2019

“Honestly, fuck that guy,” was Kanbar’s immediate response when asked to comment on Massachusetts Hall’s recent antics. And he’s not the only one—this sentiment seems to be a resounding consensus throughout all the campus constructions.

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Chemistry Department Caught Running Meth Lab

by THEO DANZIG Mar. 26, 2019

The Brunswick Police last week uncovered a massive enterprise run by the Bowdoin Chemistry Department to manufacture crystal methamphetamine. The Department had hired engineers to drill under the basement of Druckenmiller Hall and built a state of the art facility using equipment from their own laboratories.

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“No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report”

by JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 25, 2019

Hey, I’m sure you had a wild spring break hiking the Everglades, getting an individually tailored McGruff the Crime Dog costume, or finally obtaining the currently sealed Special Counsel Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. But, guess what? I really don’t want to hear it.

Continue reading ““No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report””

Right-Leaning Professor Falls Over While Giving Lecture

by ELIZA JEVON Mar. 5, 2019

Students have questioned Professor Edward Wright’s political views for quite some time now. While he claims that he “doesn’t want to share his political views” out of fear that he will “influence” his reportedly “center-Marxist” students, his students suspects otherwise.

At first, students thought Professor Wright’s strange bodily tendency to lean rightwards was some sort of hip impediment. Though it seemed a bit odd, they nonetheless wanted to respect all different types of stances, even if they did not believe in climate change. The students did not want to be rude and point out his right-leaning position, but they were growing a bit concerned.


Professor Wright’s government class has observed and recorded his behavior in a carefully dated catalogue. On January 22, he wore a quarter-zip with an elephant insignia on his left breast. “I’m a Tufts alumnus!” he said a little too emphatically. For two weeks in a row, beginning on January 24, he only used red pen to correct papers, and only gave “A”s to those who earned a 90 or above. On February 2, he stated that he hated giving class handouts. From February 1 to February 8, he even used a mug that said “no taxation without representation.” He claims he also “teaches a class on the American Revolution.”

Then, finally, on February 11, something pushed him over the edge. In almost slow-motion, Professor Wright’s body leaned farther and farther to the right until he just fell right over. Eyewitnesses reported gasps and screams, and described the class rushing over to help him up and ask if he was alright.

“What happened?!” they all cried.

“It’s…it’s…it’s because… I lean right!” Mr. Wright confessed. The students, gleefully cheering and rallying, joined hands–they had successfully outed one of the bourgeois! Down with the patriarchy! The students marched around the campus chanting, “Free the proletariat,” until they all rushed off to their next class with Professor Goldstein.

Doctors anticipate Mr. Wright will soon be released from Midcoast Hospital. He now goes to physical therapy twice a week to correct his body position and attends daily counseling sessions with Bowdoin Republicans. His government class thinks of him often and has been sending him many care packages. They even sent him a donkey to ride to and from class.

To learn how you can best support Professor Wright during this difficult time, please contact the GOP or the welfare division of the Portland municipal government.

THE ORIENTAL EXPRESS (Week of Feb. 3): Bowdoin Pep Band Plays Timeless Classic Mo Bamba

FEB. 4, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week from the Orient:

1. BOWDOIN PEP BAND PLAYS TIMELESS CLASSIC MO BAMBA

After a ten year hiatus, the pep band has returned to Bowdoin. The band’s former iteration was disbanded after controversy over anti-American sentiments (liking socialism before Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made it cool). In an attempt to win back the Bowdoin community, the band played tunes such as Mo Bamba at last weekend’s hockey game. The pep band is welcoming to all, especially if you suck at music and just like to bang on drums.

Want to learn more (doubtful)??? Read the full article here.

2. BOWDOIN NORDIC BEAT TWO TEAMS?

After an absolutely grueling Maine State Championship (aka “The Chummy”) last weekend, Bowdoin Nordic was able to come out on top over a MASSIVE field of three teams and 52 athletes. A key for Bowdoin’s successful team this year is that they like skiing, sage analysis from the Orient sports desk.

Learn more about “The Chummy Broomhaha:” here.

3. POLAR BEARS (DON’T) MAUL MAMMOTHS

Attempted Puns by the Orient: 0; Paleozoology: 1

Although Polar Bears and Wooly Mammoths may have coexisted for over 100,000 years, Polar Bears rarely preyed upon the land mammals. Nonetheless, Bowdoin Basketball beat the team formerly known as the Lord Jeff Indian Killers, capitalizing on their “good old fashioned chutzpah.” And Randy Nichols nearly had an aneurysm over potential fire code violations.

Read more about “good old fashioned chutzpah” here.

4. IS LADD LAME?

For the second straight year as a senior only college house, Ladd has struggled to get applicants. Residential life has given rising seniors nearly a 2 MONTH extension to apply. However, it is unclear whether this policy of 2 month deadline extensions will be used elsewhere at the college.

Want a whole college house to yourself? Read more here.

5. WHEN IN DOUBT, BUILD MORE STUFF

The college announced this week they will be constructing two new buildings starting in 2020 : Mills Hall and a New Arctic Studies Center where the writers of the Orient might learn a thing or two about mammoths and polar bears. The new Arctic Studies Center will also give the Arctic Museum more space than a glorified closet. Larger lecture spaces in Mills hall should keep non-STEM students from being “intimidated” by Searles 315.

Learn more about building you’ll probably never use here.

Compiled by Will Hausmann

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