Tag: featured

Trump Tariffs Make Everything Cheaper and Better and More Awesome

We don’t make anything anymore! Everything’s from Mexico or Africa or CHINA. We used to make things, and China would buy those things from us! It doesn’t happen like that anymore… But Trump is gonna change all that. Basically, we put a tariff on a country and they pay for it. Let’s say you wanna buy a 50 inch flat screen OLED display television from Samsung. It costs $200. If we do a 50% tariff on China, that means they pay for half of it. So you get the TV for $100! Now that Trump is President, a guy like me can get a new TV for half off! I’ve wanted a new TV for a while, and I know that millions of good, god-fearing Americans want the same things that I want. Trump’s gonna give it to us, and we’re gonna love it!

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Alert! Your Girlfriend’s Birthday Was Yesterday

BRUNSWICK, ME–I realized something was off with my girlfriend on a weekend trip to Canada with the boys. While I was getting crunked on the streets of Montreal with the boys, my girlfriend’s disposition became noticeably different. She was upset and frustrated and it almost seemed like my drunk calls at 1am from the streets of Montreal were not only not making her feel better, but actually making her feel worse. I could not figure out what was happening and everytime I asked she responded with “I’m fine” which seemed to be pretty conclusive evidence that she was totally okay. Yet finally I figured it out–she told me that I had gone to Montreal to get ham-sauced with the boys on her 20th birthday. 

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I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection 

After a year of telling my parents that my Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major would lead to job prospects it was finally time to tap into the illustrious Bowdoin alumni network at Sophomore Bootcamp. I immediately felt out of place as my finance bro friends regaled me with stories of snorting lines and doing time in minimum security prisons with their alumni connections. I felt lost, searching for a connection that would appreciate feminist literature as much as I do (6’ 3” btw). 

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Massive Nerds Defeat Average Nerds to Win Pub Trivia

At last week’s pub trivia battle, a formidable group of five massive nerds easily defeated all the pathetic average nerds to claim the pub trivia title. The winning group of massive nerds, who go by team name ‘Making it Trivial’, displayed impressive knowledge of U.S. presidents, African world capitals, and the Olympic Games, while the teams composed of average nerds had friends and hobbies in high school. 

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Top 5 Genmojis to Send to Your Valentine

Now, if you have an iPhone 15 Pro or iPhone 16, you have the option to generate your own custom emojis using Apple Generative AI. These AI emojis, called genmojis, are the cutest thing to hit the internet since puppy gifs! The Harpoon staff and I compiled this list of prompts to generate the absolute most adorable genmojis to send to your special someone, friends, or family members this Valentine’s Day.

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Overall-Wearing Student Well-Prepared for Surprise Cow Shit Tilling Competition

Overalls, rated dead last for pieces of clothing you want to be wearing if you need to quickly pee, have become popular among the student body. Originally designed to protect wearers from injury while farming, fishing, or mining, overalls now serve as an easily identifiable marker of someone who went on a multi-thousand dollar outdoor leadership program during their gap year. 

While overalls may seem impractical for Bowdoin students engaged in a life of little to no physically demanding work, they served highly useful for one student last Thursday. 

Patt A. Gonia, a first-year in Professor Aviva Briefel’s Victorian Ghosts and Monsters course in the English department, came to class last week sporting his finest pair of Carhart overalls. The usual lecture material analyzing the ghosts and ghouls emerging from the pages of Victorian narratives turned unexpected when Professor Briefel dropped a gallon of cow manure at each students’ desk and instructed them to follow her to the quad for a tilling competition. 

Most students in the class were woefully unprepared for the surprise cow manure spreading activity, dawning two-piece outfits that left a gaping hole between their jeans and hoodie that was quickly infiltrated by copious amounts of fertilizing animal feces. 

Patt, however, could be seen smiling ear to ear. “I knew a day like this would come,” he remarked. His one-piece, heavyweight bib overalls provided ample durability and protection, allowing him to easily spread the cow manure across his plot of land without fear of shit seeping into any exposed areas of skin. He easily won the manure spreading competition. 

You’re Not on the Smith Union Wall — And It’s Because You’re Ugly

Smith Union: the perfect place to realize you missed the mailroom hours and play a round of ping pong instead of writing your research paper. We all love walking by the photo wall and seeing our friends posed for the perfect Bowdoin advertisement. But you may be wondering,“why haven’t I been on the wall?” The Bowdoin photographer is hard to miss, given how often they snipe the lone spikeball game on the quad or random group of POC friends doing work in HL. Maybe your friend group isn’t diverse enough. Maybe you weren’t wearing enough Bowdoin merch at the Colby game. 

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