Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

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UCONN Women’s Basketball Team Disbands After Historically Bad Season

By PAUL GARLICK Apr. 14, 2017

Following the UCONN Women’s Basketball loss in the Final Four, Athletic Director, David Benedict has announced that the team will disband altogether.

Though the team had gone undefeated over the last three seasons, this season was a dreadful 36-1.

Upon learning of Benedict’s decision, head coach Geno Auriemma stated, “We had a great run, but after a season like that, I can’t complain about Dave’s decision. I mean, we sucked; we were really, really bad. We actually lost a game. We embarrassed the entire school and the entire state of Connecticut.

The University will now burn the money used to finance the team and their equipment to stay warm through the cold, winter nights.

All, U.S.

Racist Viagra Ad Claims South Will Rise Again

By JACK ARNHOLZ and ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 13, 2017

A controversial new Viagra ad released this week used the slogan, “The South Will Rise Again.” The ad reportedly is targeted toward racists.

“We think the slogan will strike a cord with Southern racists with erectile dysfunction,” said Emma Nelson, a marketing executive at Viagra. “Both the possibility of getting an erection and the South rising again may have seemed very unlikely to this demographic, however, due to our great product and a few other recent circumstances, both now seem possible.”

Viagra’s pharmaceutical rival, Cialis, has criticized the new ad. “Cialis has been running racist commercials for years,” said Peter Brown, a representative for the drug. “What do you think the deal was with those separate bathtubs?”

 

All, Bowdoin

A$AP Ferg Playlist on iPod Nano to Headline Ivies

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 12, 2017

The Bowdoin eBoard has announced that an iPod Nano with an 11-song A$AP Ferg playlist will be the headliner at Ivies

“We had some last minute cuts to the budget, so we thought this would be the next best thing,” said one eBoard member. “We are also really excited to all change our Facebook profile pictures to photos of us holding the iPod.”

“We are incredibly grateful to the middle school raffle that brought us this wonderful performer,” said the eBoard president.

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Financial Aid Office Advises Students to “Just Sue Somebody”

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 10, 2017

Amidst an increase in applications for financial aid, the Student Aid Office has begun advising students to “just sue somebody.”

“We want to make sure that students are aware of all the options available to them,” said one Student Aid employee. “There’s just all kinds of opportunities to sue somebody for thousands. Getting hit by a car, having a botched kidney transplant, getting discriminated against by an employer. The possibilities are endless.”

“A man had a heart attack next to me on a plane, and now Delta Airlines is paying for my tuition,” said one student. “They also gave me two years of free plane tickets, which was really exciting until I realized they were all Delta”.

All, Bowdoin

College Acceptance Rate Lowest Ever, Self-Acceptance Rate Even Lower

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 8, 2017

The Bowdoin Office of Admissions announced this week that they accepted 13.4% of applicants to the Class of 2021 – the lowest acceptance rate on record. The self-acceptance rate, however, has fallen even lower.

“I was so excited to brag about the 13.4% acceptance rate to my friends at home,” said Jared Adler ’19. “But, I still feel a cold emptiness inside me. Sometimes I drive by myself to Harpswell and blast Alanis Morissette. Do you want to read some of my poetry?”

Peter Madden, director of Admissions, when asked if he was worried about the low self-acceptance rate, responded, “Of course not. How would we get the word out about the low college acceptance rate if we had kids with high-self esteem?”

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Freshman Playing Ukulele in Hallway Not Like Other Boys

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 7, 2017

Freshman Clay Symington has been playing his ukulele in the hallway to let the women of his dorm know that he is not like the other boys.

“I just want girls here to know that not all boys are the same,” said Symington as he gently played a Ben Folds melody. “Some of us are really sensitive and like talking about our feelings and cuddling and other gay shit.”

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                                    “I’m a really good guy”

“I knew Clay was different when I heard him playing a 21 Pilots song out in the hallway,” said one girl on his floor. “Most guys just want sex, but Clay is a musician who has feelings,” said another.

“I just love my ukulele and hope that someday I will find my uku-lady,” said Symington as he ever so softly caressed the strings of his ukulele with just the tips of his delicate musician’s fingers.

 

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Bowdoin to Use Funds From Women’s Resource Center to Pay for New Football Field

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 6, 2017

Bowdoin has announced plans to renovate historic Whittier Field. President Rose revealed Monday that the college will fund the renovations by taking money from the Women’s Resource Center.

“Football is deeply entrenched in Bowdoin’s history. We’ve won so many trophies, I can’t even remember the last one we won,” said President Rose. “The $8 million price tag was a bit daunting, but we found some money lying around in a fund set aside for something called the ‘Women’s Resource Center.’”

Violet Morrison, Director of the Women’s Resource Center, said she was disappointed about losing her entire budget to the football team, but she understood the importance of the project. “I do recognize the need for it. Usually when someone brings a problem to us, it is, more often than not, about football fields,” said Morrison

The College has also decided to convert the Counseling Center into a sauna for the players.

All, Maine

Trip Advisor to Begin Reviewing Shrooms

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 5, 2017

Travel and restaurant review website Trip Advisor has announced that the company will now begin evaluating shrooms and other hallucinogenic drugs.

New Focus of Trip AdvisorCEO Stephen Kaufer made the announcement on Thursday surrounded by the band MGMT: “Trip Advisor has always sought to provide customers with easy, affordable, and enjoyable access to the world’s most interesting cultures and destinations. We are excited to announce our new focus that will expand—fuck, that’s a sweet dragon.”

The move is reportedly an attempt to tap into a niche consumer demographic that, until now, primarily relied on burnout uncles named Mac and questionable Reddit pages for advice on dope ass mind treks.

All, Maine

“Follow the Money,” Screams Local Man at Newspaper

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 4, 2017

64-year-old Maine resident Tim Anderson was seen in Cascada Park today screaming at the print edition of the Bangor Daily News.

Sources alleged that Anderson was yelling phrases at the paper like, “Follow the money,” and, “Investigate the trail of clues that the money is leaving,” and, “Put a tracking device on the money and then wait for the money to arrive at its destination and then go to said destination.” He eventually lost his voice, but, while loudly shuffling through the pages of the publication, went on to produce a low-pitched growling noise from the back of his throat for five-and-half hours until the park closed for the day and he was asked to leave

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“Why doesn’t my daughter ever visit me?”

“I don’t even think he was actually reading the paper,” said Dolores Higgins, a woman in the park. “I snuck up behind him to see what he was reacting to, and he was looking at the wedding section. He was staring at a photograph of a newlywed couple, and then just started shouting, ‘The money,’ for a while until he lost his breath. It looked like he needed to eat better and maybe exercise.”

“Sometimes he would make eye contact with me and gesture to the paper looking exasperated,” Higgins continued. “Then he would touch himself.”

 

All, Maine

Report: Only Thing Sexier than Man Vaping is Same Man Not Vaping

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 3, 2017

Researchers at Georgetown University recently discovered that the only thing on earth with a higher sex appeal than a vaping male was that same male after his vaporizer had been thrown in a trash compacter.

The researchers polled 30,000 male and female respondents. 98% of respondents rated a pale, thin vaping man wearing DC brand shoes as the second most attractive thing in the world, behind only that same puss-crusher not vaping.

The study may be skewed, however, as over 70% of respondents claimed to be residents of Vape Nation.