By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Apr. 18, 2017

Cross country runner Tyler Swift ‘18 recently participated in a voluntary discussion on race in Morell Gymnasium, placing third.

“I just got right in there; I made the necessary preparations,” Swift said. “I studied Jesse Owens extensively. It’s really great to see the hard work you put in pay off when it really counts. I was free, I was loose, and I was able to stay in it for the long haul. I had to pace myself a few times, I almost brought up slavery in the first two minutes, but thankfully I stuck in there.”

Swift wasn’t always so adept at having racially charged conversations, though. “I remember the first time I talked about race,” he recalled. “I walked in with my Jordans and my Canada Goose Jacket; I had no idea how underprepared I was. One person mentioned Beloved and I thought they were hitting on me. I was so embarrassed with my performance, I faked a pulled hamstring just to get out of there.”

Tyler narrowly lost to a very woke sophomore from New York and an actual person of color, who wandered into the Gym looking for the bathroom.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 12, 2017

The Bowdoin eBoard has announced that an iPod Nano with an 11-song A$AP Ferg playlist will be the headliner at Ivies

“We had some last minute cuts to the budget, so we thought this would be the next best thing,” said one eBoard member. “We are also really excited to all change our Facebook profile pictures to photos of us holding the iPod.”

“We are incredibly grateful to the middle school raffle that brought us this wonderful performer,” said the eBoard president.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 10, 2017

Amidst an increase in applications for financial aid, the Student Aid Office has begun advising students to “just sue somebody.”

“We want to make sure that students are aware of all the options available to them,” said one Student Aid employee. “There’s just all kinds of opportunities to sue somebody for thousands. Getting hit by a car, having a botched kidney transplant, getting discriminated against by an employer. The possibilities are endless.”

“A man had a heart attack next to me on a plane, and now Delta Airlines is paying for my tuition,” said one student. “They also gave me two years of free plane tickets, which was really exciting until I realized they were all Delta”.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 8, 2017

The Bowdoin Office of Admissions announced this week that they accepted 13.4% of applicants to the Class of 2021 – the lowest acceptance rate on record. The self-acceptance rate, however, has fallen even lower.

“I was so excited to brag about the 13.4% acceptance rate to my friends at home,” said Jared Adler ’19. “But, I still feel a cold emptiness inside me. Sometimes I drive by myself to Harpswell and blast Alanis Morissette. Do you want to read some of my poetry?”

Peter Madden, director of Admissions, when asked if he was worried about the low self-acceptance rate, responded, “Of course not. How would we get the word out about the low college acceptance rate if we had kids with high-self esteem?”

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 7, 2017

Freshman Clay Symington has been playing his ukulele in the hallway to let the women of his dorm know that he is not like the other boys.

“I just want girls here to know that not all boys are the same,” said Symington as he gently played a Ben Folds melody. “Some of us are really sensitive and like talking about our feelings and cuddling and other gay shit.”

“I knew Clay was different when I heard him playing a 21 Pilots song out in the hallway,” said one girl on his floor. “Most guys just want sex, but Clay is a musician who has feelings,” said another.

“I just love my ukulele and hope that someday I will find my uku-lady,” said Symington as he ever so softly caressed the strings of his ukulele with just the tips of his delicate musician’s fingers.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 6, 2017

Bowdoin has announced plans to renovate historic Whittier Field. President Rose revealed Monday that the college will fund the renovations by taking money from the Women’s Resource Center.

“Football is deeply entrenched in Bowdoin’s history. We’ve won so many trophies, I can’t even remember the last one we won,” said President Rose. “The $8 million price tag was a bit daunting, but we found some money lying around in a fund set aside for something called the ‘Women’s Resource Center.’”

Violet Morrison, Director of the Women’s Resource Center, said she was disappointed about losing her entire budget to the football team, but she understood the importance of the project. “I do recognize the need for it. Usually when someone brings a problem to us, it is, more often than not, about football fields,” said Morrison

The College has also decided to convert the Counseling Center into a sauna for the players.