Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

All, Maine

Stoner Tries to Time Travel, Gets Stuck in the Moment

By PAUL GARLICK Mar. 3, 2017

Local stoner Bud Baker has become the first ever person to successfully time travel. Unfortunately, he was unable to return after becoming stuck in moment.

 Todd Toker, Baker’s closest friend and smoking partner, said, “Man, it was like, Bud was there, and then, it was like, he wasn’t there, and then, he texted me later like, ‘Woah dude. I’m totally, seriously just like floating in the moment dude, it’s like everything’s just frozen in the now.’ And I totally responded like, ‘Woah dude……… coooool.’”

In response to the incident, the United States has assembled a task force of the country’s most renowned physicists in an attempt to successfully bring Bud back to the present. The leader of the team stated, “We honestly have no damn clue how this guy figured out how to time travel. Many of our men have been conducting extensive research for decades, and none of them have even come close to cracking the secret of time travel. It’s mind-blowing. He’s most likely stuck in the moment for good. I guess that’s what he gets for doing those damn hippy drugs.”

When asked about the incident, Baker’s mother said she would miss her son, but is glad he isn’t around to steal her pot anymore.

All, Maine

Hot Dentist Can Fit Whole Fist in Your Mouth

By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 2, 2017

Local Dentist Sharron Broner has become extremely popular with male clients throughout Maine after it became known that she can fit her entire fist in her patients’ mouth.

“Knowing your dentist can get her whole clenched hand into your gob is so freaking hot,” said Jeremy Adams, one of her patients. “I get my teeth cleaned every week now. At first I thought there just wasn’t enough room in my face hole for all of those fingers, but goddammit she made room.”hot-dentist

Adams continued, “The only uncomfortable part is when she asks you questions while she’s wrist deep in your throat. I mean, how am I supposed to answer those? There’s no way she can understand what I’m saying while my mouth is full of her sexy fist. It’s a little awkward, but I think it’s a habit that all dentists have.”

In an effort to increase revenue, Broner has started offering select patients gloveless examinations for an additional cost. One client commented, “It’s so much better without that gross latex separating her fist from my tongue cave.”

 

All, Bowdoin

Security Catches Students Streaking in Snow, Forces Them to Continue Streaking in Snow

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Mar. 1, 2017

Bowdoin Security reported catching four first year boys streaking across the snowy quad last Saturday at 1:00am. As punishment, the security officers forced the students to continue streaking in the snow.

Peter Richards ’20, one of the students reprimanded, commented, “Streaking was really fun until we realized that we probably couldn’t have kids anymore. Then we had to streak more and now we definitely can’t have kids.”

Richards claims to have started out very confident, but said that his confidence diminished at a rate proportional to the difference in temperatures between his genitalia and his surroundings.

“My junk has yet to emerge from my body,” Richards stated. “Yet again, I’m the only one to blame for my blue balls.”

Bowdoin College will not pursue further disciplinary action against the streakers, stating that frostbitten testicles are punishment enough.

All, Maine

Single Man Spends Nights Alone Furiously Mastering Sudoku

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 28, 2017

Without a significant other to spend his time with, area man Eric Allen has been spending his nights alone in bed doing what any other single man would do — furiously mastering Sudoku.

While men in relationships often spend their nights becoming intimate with their partners, single men like Allen typically resort to activities that they can do alone, such as mastering Sudoku with a vigor that would shock anyone who would have happened to witness him. Allen has assured his family and friends that this is, “just a phase,” and that once his love life takes a turn, his mastering of Sudoku will become less furious and far less frequent.

Critics have argued that repeatedly practicing Sudoku could lead to unrealistic expectations for other puzzles, such as crosswords and word searches. Despite claiming to practice nightly and for hours on end, Allen has rebuffed suggestions that he should cut back. “Besides,” he added, “I usually finish my puzzles pretty quickly, giving me just enough time to masturbate.”

All, U.S.

Alt-Right Leaders Urge Supporters to Acknowledge Intersectionality of Their Bigotries

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 27, 2017

In an attempt to unify white nationalists across America, leaders of the alt-right are urging supporters to acknowledge and examine the many ways in which the intersectional nature of their bigotries affect how they perceive and interact with the world around them.

“It’s important to foster a community of empathy and acceptance for all white racists, no matter the color he specifically hates,” said alt-right spokesman Richard Spencer. “People think they can separate the many parts of their identity—all the different prejudices they hold—into discreet little chunks, but it doesn’t work that way.”

Spencer continued, “For example, I don’t like Koreans. I don’t like black people. I really don’t like Jews. Those biases are tangled up together; they shape each other. The way I hate Koreans affects the way I hate Jews, and the way I hate black people affects the way I hate Jews, and the way I hate Jews affects the way I really fucking hate Jews. The manner in which these hatreds intersect plays a crucial role in how our repulsiveness manifests itself. There’s no telling what we’ll achieve once white supremacists across the nation are able to recognize and celebrate the ever-changing multiplicities of our bigotries.”

All, Bowdoin

Special Snowflake Girl Informs Facebook Friends about Declaring as a Government and Legal Studies Major

By JAANA SINGH Feb. 26, 2017

After officially declaring her major in Government and Legal Studies, Sarah Cohen ‘19 took to social media to post an enthusiastic status about her novel academic endeavor.

Cohen described the decision to declare as an emotionally draining experience, despite not having any other potential major contenders to grapple with. “I really had to look within me, and decide who I was. After days of self-reflection, I realized that becoming a Government major was my destiny.”

Just 4 days after her announcement, Cohen has already prefaced nine political Facebook posts, “As a government and legal studies major…”

All, Bowdoin

eBoard Announces Milo Yiannopoulos as Ivies Headliner

By JACK ARNHOLZ and JAANA SINGH Feb. 25, 2017

The Bowdoin Entertainment Board has announced that controversial Conservative pundit Milo Yiannopoulos will headline this year’s Ivies.

“A few months ago we didn’t think we would be able to get him,” said eBoard president Annette Williams, “but, due to recent events, we were able to get him really cheap.” Williams announced that Yiannopoulos’s act will include singing, dancing, and heiling.

Yiannopoulos’s representatives told the Harpoon, “Mr. Yiannopoulos is excited to perform for Bowdoin College. He is, however, disappointed he missed Masque & Gown’s production of Blown Youth.”

The event will be sponsored by Bowdoin’s Kaucasian Kulture Klub.

All, Bowdoin

Local Pedophile Seriously Disappointed After Performance of ‘Blown Youth’

By SUMMERS ASKEW Feb. 24, 2017

Local pedophile Isaac Gables was incredibly disappointed after attending last weekend’s performance of Blown Youth. Produced by Masque and Gown, the show apparently “did not deliver what it promised,” and left the man “seriously frustrated.”

blown-youth

“Just to be clear, I mean sexually frustrated,” Gables clarified. “I really had my hopes up. I’m kind of a niche audience, so I appreciate a nod to my interests. Little did I know, this was all about women over the age of eighteen. What a rip-off.”

The Brunswick Police Department has stated that Gables will not be allowed on campus again, but did suggest that the theater group change the name of next fall’s production to prevent future misunderstandings. Masque and Gown’s fall 2017 production is currently titled, “Sex with Children.”

All, Bowdoin

Dean Foster Limits Number of Students Who Can Live With Him to 200

By JACK ARNHOLZ Feb. 23, 2017

Dean of Students Tim Foster has limited the number of students who can live with him off-campus to 200. “As much I love the Bowdoin community, my house cannot physically hold more than 200 kids,” said Dean Foster.

dean-foster-to-limit
                                            Illustration by Arah Kang

Bowdoin has seen an increase in the number of people living with Dean Foster in the past year. Students cite his home’s proximity to Brunswick, distance from Bowdoin security, and presence of Foster’s comforting smile as reasons for living there.

“It’s so awesome living with the Fosters. Sometimes, when I get scared at night, I crawl into their bed. Usually, there are already at least a dozen other students in there,” said Emmett Behar. “And he’s so easy to talk to. Did you know he went to a Waldorf school?”

Behar continued, “Do you know what the difference is between a house and home? I do. Home is where Dean Foster is.”

All, Bowdoin

Innovative Career Planning Employee Recommends eBear

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 22, 2017

Bowdoin sophomore Kate Waters received the ever-helpful insight of checking eBear during her career planning meeting last Thursday.

“I mean, I never could have thought of that on my own,” said Waters. “I was just hoping to come in and get recommendations about a few internships in my field based on my qualifications, but instead I get to search through thousands of internships that I may or may not be qualified for and may not even be relevant to my field.”

“We strive to help all students achieve our dreams of working in finance or consulting,” said Tom Dole, a Career Planning employee. “We want each and every Bowdoin student to have the chance to live in the greater New York City or Boston area and have a meaningful, corporate life.”

“My career councilor told me to go to the Maine Employers fair,” said Waters. “I’m a Classics Major, but who knows what I might find.”