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All, Bowdoin

Student Successfully Navigates Interaction With Guy He Had Class With Once

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 11, 2017

Upon returning to campus, sophomore Greg Rollins successfully interacted with a guy who sat near him in an anthropology class last semester.

“He just came up to me in Moulton and went for a hug and then started asking about my summer,” said Rollins. “I don’t even remember speaking to him last semester, but he knew exactly which nonprofit film studio I worked for.”

Student Successfully Navigates
                            “I don’t have to talk to anyone else today”

“I almost panicked when I stopped explaining my summer and he just stared at me. Thank god I thought to ask him if he had a good summer. I was really on a roll, so I asked him if he was going to take anymore anthropology classes and then feigned interest in his rant about how he felt sociology called to him.”

Rollins plans on spending the rest of the semester in his Brunswick apartment to avoid similar interactions.

All, Bowdoin

7 Things to Do with Your Semester After Intro to Computer Science

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 9, 2017

Having trouble figuring out what to do with all your free time after taking a fun, collaborative course in computer science last semester? We can help! Here are 7 things you can do with your life after taking Intro to Computer Science. 

1: Go Abroad

Let’s be honest. You will probably have to take a semester off after this class, so you may as well spend it somewhere that isn’t your childhood bedroom.

2: Learn to Bake

This will come in handy at your J-Board meeting; everyone loves baked goods and you need all the help you can get!

3: Go for a Run

Excercise will help clear your head and serve as a metaphor for how you avoid personal responsibility by running away from your problems and various shortcomings.

4: Masturbate

You’re going to have a lot of time, so might as well, right?

5: Spend Time With Your Friends

Odds are you had some help in Computer Science, so your friends will probably have some time on their hands too. This will be a great time to deepen your relationships.

6: Read Infinite Jest

If you made it past masturbating and are already bored, what more do you have to lose? You may as well read this fucking book so you can talk to the other six assholes on campus that have read it.

7: Learn Python

You signed up for the class, so you may as well get what you set out to get out of the class, even it things didn’t go as planned the first time around.

All, Bowdoin

Returning Student Has Charming Conversation With P-MSSQL2014-IN2-INST2

By JACOB BASKES Sep. 8, 2017

Upon returning to campus, sophomore Karen Pratt had a lovely email correspondence with P-MSSQL2014-IN2-INST2, Bowdoin’s Mail Center package notification system.

Returning Student Has Charming Conversation
                                   The heart wants what the heart wants

Pratt received a welcome surprise upon seeing a message in her inbox on Sunday, and responded by thanking the automated system for his generosity throughout the years. “Should we maybe take this to the next level?” she asked at one point in her email. “All you have shown me is kindness, and I haven’t yet had the opportunity to give you anything in return,” she continued, before asking if the inanimate figment of the internet would be available in the Mail Room after 5:00 PM.

When Pratt did not receive a response within the hour, she immediately ordered a bouquet of flowers from Amazon with one-day shipping. The next day, she seemed to be expecting a lovely gift from her electronic crush.

All, Bowdoin

I’m So Much More Than Just a Student Athlete; I’m Also a Golden Retriever.

By HUGO HENTOFF Sep. 7, 2017

At Bowdoin, we’re supposed to be “at home in all lands,” but recently I’ve noticed that my peers have been reducing me to just a single part of my identity. Yes, I am on the basketball team, but that’s not all there is too me. I’m so much more than just a good-looking jock who drops mad buckets; I’m also a golden retriever whose unlikely friendship with a fatherless 12-year-old boy let America feel again. Also I’m a psych major.

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Discrimination against athletes is second only to discrimination against purebred golden retrievers

When people look at me, it’s like all they see is my jersey. When a professor asks the class, “Who’s a good boy?” no one expects the big, dumb jock to know the answer. If they ever bothered to just look past my gorgeous blond hair and record-breaking vertical leap, they’d know that it’s me. I’m the good boy.

Athletics are a big part of my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for that technicality in the official basketball rulebook whereby it never explicitly prohibits dogs from playing the sport. And if it weren’t for the rush I get from stepping onto the court each game, I’d probably be dead right now, like almost every other dog born in the mid-1990’s. Basketball is part of me. I’m not trying to deny that. But it’s not all of me.

All, World

The Facts Don’t Lie: Our Flat Earth is Warming

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 6, 2017

After much personal reflection, I can no longer sit idly by while climate science deniers take center stage in the corrupt, Jewish media. We can no longer deny the relationship between CO2 emissions and the rising temperature of our beautiful, flat planet.

The Facts Don't Lie - Our Flat Earth is Warming
                       Behold the beautiful, flat chest of Mother Gaia 

If we do not act now, our children’s futures will be poisoned. They already suffer enough under the fist of the oppressive theory of a spherical Earth, why must they also suffer from asthma and rising tides?

When God made the Earth 6,000 years ago, He made it perfectly in His image. Now, His very creation is on the verge of destroying itself. Soon, all the ice caps will melt and our drinkable water will simply flow over the edge into the abyss.

We must stand strong in the face of this daunting task. If we cannot save the Earth, how will we save ourselves from other tragedies like homosexuality and Catholicism?

The time to act is now!

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin Football Aims to Improve Record to 1-7

By JACK ARNHOLZ Sep. 5, 2017

The Bowdoin Football team has announced that they hope to improve their record this year to 1-7, a considerable change from last year’s 0-8 record.

“We know this might be a hard milestone to reach,” said sophomore Ralph Richards, “but anything is possible if you believe hard enough. You know what I mean?”

Bowdoin College Athletics, Bowdoin College, Brunswick, Maine, Brian Beard - CIP
                                                     Be better.

Head Coach Bob Hernandez says last year’s 0-8 record could be attributed to players focusing too much on schoolwork. “It seemed like they just disappeared from the field,” said Hernandez.

“I guess we’re the underdog this season,” Richards said, “but I guess it’s better to be the underdog than the abovedog. You know what I mean?”

The team’s first game will be September 16th against Williams College, which the team expects to lose.

All, Bowdoin

First-Year Athlete Disappointed He Never Got Hazed, Drinks Own Urine

By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 23, 2017

First-year golf player Brad Adams recently expressed his disappointment in the lack of hazing he received throughout his first year at Bowdoin. In the past, the College has severely punished teams caught in hazing scandals, which has prompted teams to end the practice for the most part. However, Adams says he wishes he had been hazed. To replicate the missed experience, he forced himself to drink his own urine.

“The year is pretty much over and I’m super bummed that no one ever hazed the shit out of me,” commented Adams. “No elephant walks, no sodomy via obscure objects, nothing. So I forced myself to drink my own urine. It sucked, but I really feel like one of the boys now.”

When asked if he would haze next year’s freshmen, Adams said, “Dude, c’mon. The proper term is ‘first-year.’ The word, ‘freshman’ is outdated, promotes exclusivity, and insinuates a social hierarchy within the student body. But yeah, they’re gonna be hazed out of their fuckin’ minds.”

All, World

French Pre-School Teachers on the Prowl for Future Presidents

By ETHAN BEVINGTON May 22, 2017

Following the electoral success of Emmanuel Macron, many French pre-school teachers have begun prowling their classrooms for future French presidents.

Amanda-Whiteman-2
“What political party do you want to run with when you grow up?”

“Macron’s wife really was the first to exhibit this kind of foresight and date someone twenty four years younger,” said one teacher. “I mean, to stay together after his parents sent him away to Paris because they disapproved of the relationship. That’s love.”

“I’m not that picky,” said another teacher. “I don’t really see age; I could date someone older, my age, or younger. I would honestly marry a fetus if I thought it had a chance of being the next president.”

Some teachers have instituted mock elections to see which children have the potential to be likable politicians. “The ones who bully the Muslim students seem to poll really well,” observed one teacher.

Originally published on College Reaction

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All, Maine

Doctor Congratulates Sexually Active Patient

By SAM HALPERT May 18, 2017

Upon arriving for his annual checkup, 17-year-old patient and former loser James Bristol sped through the typical medical small talk before arriving at the real reason for the yearly checkup. His doctor, pediatrician Michael Wassmer, glossed over most of the superficial ritual questions about vaccines and testicular cancer before reaching the climax both parties knew was coming: “James, are you sexually active?”

Bristol answered with the four manliest words he knew: “I am sexually active.” After receiving the affirmative response, the doctor stood up and exclaimed that, in his medical opinion, this revelation was, “Pretty fuckin’ sweet.” Beaming all the while, he congratulated the young champion on exiting loserdom. Confetti streamed from the ceiling, several air horns sounded, and scantily clad nurses came in to join on the applause.

Dr. Wassmer noted, “I honestly didn’t think he had it in him. I mean look at the kid. In my medical opinion he was one of the biggest fucking losers to enter my waiting room. Three weeks ago, he closed that chapter of his life and now look at what he’s gone on to do. This is the kind of stuff they don’t prepare you for in med school. This is why you come to work everyday.”

All, U.S.

Meet the Founder of Reading Period, Joan Reading

By JACOB BASKES May 15, 2017

At the end of each semester, college students across the country have a vacation known as Reading Period. As it turns out, this tradition, formerly known as “drinking period,” is named in memory of the famed Joan Reading.

cdm_87919Reading was a prominent leader of the drinking culture when she attended the University of Chicago in the 1920’s. It was known throughout the Midwest that she could do a keg stand for 13 minutes before deriving the Lorentz Transformation Equation upside down with one hand tied behind her back. It is no secret either, that her best “disc” time is still the national record, at 16.31 seconds.

Joan was known to make the most of the four-day period that followed the last day of classes, and University of Chicago records show that even in her first year at the University, she downed an average of 17 beers per day throughout the long weekend. In her honor, the University titled the stage between classes and finals, “Reading Period,” and the name has since spread to other institutions of higher education around the country.

Let’s make sure we honor Joan this Reading Period!