By CHRISTIAN FILTER Apr. 22, 2017

In honor of Earth Day, we’ve decided to compile a list of five simple things you can do in your everyday life in order to have a positive impact on this beautiful planet we live on.

1. Take a tree out on a date, but politely refuse its sexual advances

What better way to help out good ol’ Mother Nature than to take the nearest tree out on a date? Put on something nice, take it to the local fancy restaurant, and make sure to pick up the bill. Afterwards it might insist that you go back to its place for some coffee, but politely refuse and and say you’ll call it tomorrow. This way, you’ll maintain the tree’s interest without playing all of your cards.

2. Vomit less.

Studies show that 80% of air pollutants are from human vomit. So, do the Earth a solid and try to throw up less often. Whether this means holding off on that extra shot of tequila, or passing on that funnel cake before the roller coaster, try doing whatever it takes to keep the vomit inside your body.

3. Paint a greenhouse red.

Everyone has heard about the dangers greenhouse gases pose to the atmosphere. They’re bad and they can alter the Earth’s natural systems. In order to combat them, you should try and paint your local greenhouse red. No one has ever heard of redhouse gases harming anything!

4. Use reusable rabbits.

This one is both good for the environment and cost effective! It’s no secret that everybody keeps rabbits in their sock drawer to sniff occasionally.  But how about using reusable rabbits that you can sniff multiple times? Disposable rabbits are wasteful and bad for the environment; you throw them away after only one sniff! If everyone switched over to reusable rabbits, we’d see big changes in our environment. Mother Earth will thank you for it and so will your wallet!    

5. Travel only by razor scooter to reduce your carbon footprint.

Reducing our carbon footprint is essential to helping the environment. Some experts have suggested wearing different shoes to reduce your footprint, but we think you can go further. Why walk and leave any tracks at all? Riding around on your razor scooter is a double win: you won’t leave any footprints and you’ll look super cool!

By PAUL GARLICK Apr. 19, 2017

After taking his wife out to an expensive Italian restaurant on Capitol Hill, Mike Pence has reportedly decided to never call her again.

Since Pence is known as a man who upholds the highest standards of 18^th century chivalry, this action comes as a shock to most.

President Donald Trump commented, “Let me tell you, I’ve known Mike for years, and he’s great, so great. But this is a big surprise. He’s never even had a meal with another woman unless his wife is there. Man those two must be close. Now to never call her again, he must have become some sort of misogynist overnight. Sad!”

By RODGER HEIDGERKEN Apr. 17, 2017

Members of the Community of Christ Church out of Independence Missouri reported witnessing the second coming of Jesus Christ, right in the heart of the United States. Hours after His appearance, Trump signed an executive order demanding the deportation of the religious figure.

President Donald Trump tweeted to the world on Friday, “Fake News @Jesus, failing carpenter and all, is ruining our water industry by turning it into foreign wine business. Sad!”

Congregation member Sarah Atkinson was present as Jesus descended from heaven. She told journalists that, “Jesus appeared to be Middle-Eastern. I was honestly surprised that he wasn’t white.”

The White House made no comment on whether or not their motives to deport Jesus were racially driven, but the inclusion of an accent in the spelling of Jesus (Jesús) in President Trump’s executive order may be an indication of intent.

By PAUL GARLICK Apr. 14, 2017

Following the UCONN Women’s Basketball loss in the Final Four, Athletic Director, David Benedict has announced that the team will disband altogether.

Though the team had gone undefeated over the last three seasons, this season was a dreadful 36-1.

Upon learning of Benedict’s decision, head coach Geno Auriemma stated, “We had a great run, but after a season like that, I can’t complain about Dave’s decision. I mean, we sucked; we were really, really bad. We actually lost a game. We embarrassed the entire school and the entire state of Connecticut.

The University will now burn the money used to finance the team and their equipment to stay warm through the cold, winter nights.

By JACK ARNHOLZ and ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 13, 2017

A controversial new Viagra ad released this week used the slogan, “The South Will Rise Again.” The ad reportedly is targeted toward racists.

“We think the slogan will strike a cord with Southern racists with erectile dysfunction,” said Emma Nelson, a marketing executive at Viagra. “Both the possibility of getting an erection and the South rising again may have seemed very unlikely to this demographic, however, due to our great product and a few other recent circumstances, both now seem possible.”

Viagra’s pharmaceutical rival, Cialis, has criticized the new ad. “Cialis has been running racist commercials for years,” said Peter Brown, a representative for the drug. “What do you think the deal was with those separate bathtubs?”