By JACOB BASKES Mar. 28, 2017

A psychological examination confirmed today that the infant child of single mother Martha Gether lacks both object permanence and a father.

“Our research has shown,” said one of the psychologists working on the case study, “that the child in question has neither the ability to remember the presence of objects when they are not visible, nor a father.” The study involved many hours of testing and recording the baby’s responses to different stimuli, and many nights spent waiting to see if his father would ever come home.

Ethics officials called the study, “unnecessary,” noting that children do not typically develop object permanence until about eight or nine months, and that the mother is very active on both Match.com and Tinder.

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Mar. 9, 2017

A recent poll has found that 9 out of 10 employees at any given sausage company are male.

“This is just ridiculous,” said Oscar Mayer, a spokesperson for the sausage industry. “In all my years working in the bratwurst biz, I have noticed slightly more men than women, but these numbers are shocking. Women, in my experience are definitely more adept at handling sausage.

In an effort to pursue equal employment, Oscar Mayer has announced that all sausage plants will now start producing muffins.

By PAUL GARLICK Mar. 3, 2017

Local stoner Bud Baker has become the first ever person to successfully time travel. Unfortunately, he was unable to return after becoming stuck in moment.

 Todd Toker, Baker’s closest friend and smoking partner, said, “Man, it was like, Bud was there, and then, it was like, he wasn’t there, and then, he texted me later like, ‘Woah dude. I’m totally, seriously just like floating in the moment dude, it’s like everything’s just frozen in the now.’ And I totally responded like, ‘Woah dude……… coooool.’”

In response to the incident, the United States has assembled a task force of the country’s most renowned physicists in an attempt to successfully bring Bud back to the present. The leader of the team stated, “We honestly have no damn clue how this guy figured out how to time travel. Many of our men have been conducting extensive research for decades, and none of them have even come close to cracking the secret of time travel. It’s mind-blowing. He’s most likely stuck in the moment for good. I guess that’s what he gets for doing those damn hippy drugs.”

When asked about the incident, Baker’s mother said she would miss her son, but is glad he isn’t around to steal her pot anymore.

By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 2, 2017

Local Dentist Sharron Broner has become extremely popular with male clients throughout Maine after it became known that she can fit her entire fist in her patients’ mouth.

“Knowing your dentist can get her whole clenched hand into your gob is so freaking hot,” said Jeremy Adams, one of her patients. “I get my teeth cleaned every week now. At first I thought there just wasn’t enough room in my face hole for all of those fingers, but goddammit she made room.”

Adams continued, “The only uncomfortable part is when she asks you questions while she’s wrist deep in your throat. I mean, how am I supposed to answer those? There’s no way she can understand what I’m saying while my mouth is full of her sexy fist. It’s a little awkward, but I think it’s a habit that all dentists have.”

In an effort to increase revenue, Broner has started offering select patients gloveless examinations for an additional cost. One client commented, “It’s so much better without that gross latex separating her fist from my tongue cave.”