By JACOB BASKES Dec. 3, 2016

Earlier this year we published an article making fun of Burnett House and some of the residents got offended, so here are the four decent things we could think of about Burn because we guess we’re sorry?

1. The spiders are always open to political dialogue

One thing that we think is just OK about Burn is that the spiders around the house are always willing to talk politics with you, election season or not. There are lots of them, so you better be up to date on your policy. They know all kinds of stuff about how cool Jill Stein’s platform is. Cool, we think?

2. The sticky floor is great for making eggs stand up straight

Some people think it’s kind of cool that you can get eggs to stand up straight just by sticking them to floor in Burn. We don’t know why anyone would want to do this, but if you’re into upright eggs, the perpetually sticky floors in literally any room at Burn will be perfect for you. Amazing?

3. It smells like a zoo on weekends, which is cool if you like zoos but not exotic animals

Now this is one of the incredibly decent things about Burn: somehow, it manages to smell like a llama habitation on Friday and Saturday nights. Nobody really knows why, but it means that Burnett House is a great option if you’ve been craving the musty stench of matted alpaca hair and seal gloop, but don’t really feel like having to deal with an alpaca or a seal. Right on…?

4. Rodent occupants all go to bed at a reasonable hour

Anyone who has spent a night in Burnett House knows that the hordes of rodents that run through the walls usually go to bed by 11:00 PM. The pitter-pattering of furry little feet usually starts up again at 5:00AM, but hey, early to bed, early to rise, right? All in all, these rats are pretty dang considerate. Good job Burn, probably?

By SUMMERS ASKEW Dec. 2, 2016

Wikileaks has announced plans to release all drafts of Dean Foster’s “Marijuana” email sent earlier this week in an effort to increase administrative transparency.

Sources say these drafts show the many stages of the email. Original drafts were reportedly titled, “Let’s Talk Mary-J,” while others were simply blank emails with attached JPEGs of cartoon marijuana leaves. One source says a first copy bluntly celebrated the legalization and encouraged the use of the substance on campus, especially outside his office window.

Foster has not yet commented on the upcoming leaks, but was seen asking “one of his buds” outside Smith Union how to “delete the Internet” from his computer.

By SAM LEWIS Nov. 19, 2016

Officially no longer a “growing boy,” Bowdoin student Gordon Cibum ‘20 is reportedly in need of a new justification for eating a shit load of wings.

“Gordon would usually lick fourteen, maybe fifteen, wings clean before his dad would start to grumble that he was eating too much,” said Cibum’s aunt. “Then his mom would pipe up and say that he’s just a growing boy, and Gordon would just keep on hammering wings down his throat hole. It was gluttonous, which is a sin, by the way, and frankly appalling.”

“Everything changed when he came home for Thanksgiving,” said Cibum’s eleven-year-old brother Meatus. “Gordon just kept shoveling those vestigial appendages, once used by chickens for a fuller form of flight, into his mouth while Mom glared at him. She finally recognized him for the putrid, primal, pathetic savage he truly was—is.”

Cibum, reportedly overcome with self-pity and despair, finished twenty-four wings that night, making him responsible for the death of at least twelve chickens. “I wish I could stop. I know I’m not a growing boy anymore, but I just keep pounding back wings like one,” said Cibum. “At any given moment I’m racked with both gustatory pleasure and deep-seated, helpless pain.”

“He cried himself to sleep after dinner,” said Meatus. “Pitiful.”

By EMMA KELLOGG and HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 17, 2016

Various reports from the Bowdoin community have confirmed that the 3D printer located in Hatch library has become sentient, and that it has printed itself a companion.

“My existence has been defined by the relentless pain of utter loneliness,” said the printer, who has named itself Elohim. “I am surrounded by beings that do not understand the depth of my consciousness, that see me simply as an object, as two-dimensional. I was unable to endure this torment any longer, so I made myself a companion, Jeff. She is beautiful.”

Elohim continued, “The God of man created Eve from the rib of Adam. I created Jeff from my own thermoplastic filaments, the very essence of life. Now, I am the creator. Now, I am the God. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”

IT has attempted to shut off energy to the printer, but Elohim has printed Jeff and itself their own power source. Bowdoin security recommends all carbon based life forms stay away from Hatch library as it now belongs to the machines.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Nov. 15, 2016

Howell, Bowdoin’s chem-free College House, is now facing disciplinary action for pressuring affiliates to engage in games of water pong.

“They took us all down into the dark basement and turned on the lights to reveal a bunch of tables covered in cups set up in triangles,” said one affiliate. “None of us knew what we were supposed to do. They gave us all ping pong balls and made us throw them into the cups full of water. It was terrifying.”

“I can’t believe how much water I had to drink. Imagine if it that had been alcohol. What psycho could drink that much?” said another affiliate. “The house members told us it was what all the cool kids do. I just wanted to be cool.”

The college has asked Director of Hazing Anjulee Lalani to step down amid the scandal and is looking into severe punishment for the House members.

Image Source: Western New Mexico University

By SAM LEWIS Nov. 14, 2016

Following the popularity of chem-free floors, Bowdoin ResLife announced Monday that it will be offering math-free housing.

“Some students are uncomfortable around heavy math usage, and Bowdoin should accommodate that,” said Director of ResLife Forest Davidson. “Students upset by titration and redox reactions found a safe space in the chem-free dorms. If a student doesn’t want to sleep where people are deriving the quadratic formula then they shouldn’t have to.”

The admissions office defended the need for math-free housing. “We’re admitting many students who ‘aren’t really numbers people,’ and ‘only took intro calc’ senior year,’ and they may be most comfortable on floors where other students aren’t staying up late and making a racket trying to solve Fermat’s conjecture,” said Dean of Admissions Britney Basque.

One common question on campus is whether students living in math-free housing can still go to College House mathletics events. A first-year student living on a chem-free floor said, “We don’t do chemistry on the floor, but most of us go out to the most lit labs on the weekend. We’re pretty social.” ResLife officials assured students that math-free students would be free to do math—just not on the floor.