By SAM HALPERT Sep. 20, 2017

In an effort to curtail the aggressive expansion of North Korea’s nuclear program, the Bowdoin Student Government has passed a vicious round of sanctions against the authoritarian dictatorship.

The BSG and North Korea have been engaged in an increasingly heated show of force over the past few months while North Korea has continued to test nuclear missiles in violation of international law and the Bowdoin Code of Conduct. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has poured billions of dollars into his country’s nuclear program while the BSG has also devoted a sizable portion of its budget for the current fiscal year into putting up some strongly worded posters around campus. It is unclear whether or not the posters will succeed in swaying the dictator.

In a press conference, the official spokesperson for the BSG, senior Freddie Tonkel, proclaimed, “BSG is ready to rain fire and fury down upon North Korea. We are locked and loaded and ready to take drastic measures.”

While Tonkel refused to clarify the precise meaning of “drastic measures,” some have speculated that he is referring to cancelling Korean Barbecue Tuesdays in Moulton.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 11, 2017

Upon returning to campus, sophomore Greg Rollins successfully interacted with a guy who sat near him in an anthropology class last semester.

“He just came up to me in Moulton and went for a hug and then started asking about my summer,” said Rollins. “I don’t even remember speaking to him last semester, but he knew exactly which nonprofit film studio I worked for.”

“I almost panicked when I stopped explaining my summer and he just stared at me. Thank god I thought to ask him if he had a good summer. I was really on a roll, so I asked him if he was going to take anymore anthropology classes and then feigned interest in his rant about how he felt sociology called to him.”

Rollins plans on spending the rest of the semester in his Brunswick apartment to avoid similar interactions.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 9, 2017

Having trouble figuring out what to do with all your free time after taking a fun, collaborative course in computer science last semester? We can help! Here are 7 things you can do with your life after taking Intro to Computer Science. 

1: Go Abroad

Let’s be honest. You will probably have to take a semester off after this class, so you may as well spend it somewhere that isn’t your childhood bedroom.

2: Learn to Bake

This will come in handy at your J-Board meeting; everyone loves baked goods and you need all the help you can get!

3: Go for a Run

Excercise will help clear your head and serve as a metaphor for how you avoid personal responsibility by running away from your problems and various shortcomings.

4: Masturbate

You’re going to have a lot of time, so might as well, right?

5: Spend Time With Your Friends

Odds are you had some help in Computer Science, so your friends will probably have some time on their hands too. This will be a great time to deepen your relationships.

6: Read Infinite Jest

If you made it past masturbating and are already bored, what more do you have to lose? You may as well read this fucking book so you can talk to the other six assholes on campus that have read it.

7: Learn Python

You signed up for the class, so you may as well get what you set out to get out of the class, even it things didn’t go as planned the first time around.

By JACOB BASKES Sep. 8, 2017

Upon returning to campus, sophomore Karen Pratt had a lovely email correspondence with P-MSSQL2014-IN2-INST2, Bowdoin’s Mail Center package notification system.

Pratt received a welcome surprise upon seeing a message in her inbox on Sunday, and responded by thanking the automated system for his generosity throughout the years. “Should we maybe take this to the next level?” she asked at one point in her email. “All you have shown me is kindness, and I haven’t yet had the opportunity to give you anything in return,” she continued, before asking if the inanimate figment of the internet would be available in the Mail Room after 5:00 PM.

When Pratt did not receive a response within the hour, she immediately ordered a bouquet of flowers from Amazon with one-day shipping. The next day, she seemed to be expecting a lovely gift from her electronic crush.

By HUGO HENTOFF Sep. 7, 2017

At Bowdoin, we’re supposed to be “at home in all lands,” but recently I’ve noticed that my peers have been reducing me to just a single part of my identity. Yes, I am on the basketball team, but that’s not all there is too me. I’m so much more than just a good-looking jock who drops mad buckets; I’m also a golden retriever whose unlikely friendship with a fatherless 12-year-old boy let America feel again. Also I’m a psych major.

When people look at me, it’s like all they see is my jersey. When a professor asks the class, “Who’s a good boy?” no one expects the big, dumb jock to know the answer. If they ever bothered to just look past my gorgeous blond hair and record-breaking vertical leap, they’d know that it’s me. I’m the good boy.

Athletics are a big part of my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for that technicality in the official basketball rulebook whereby it never explicitly prohibits dogs from playing the sport. And if it weren’t for the rush I get from stepping onto the court each game, I’d probably be dead right now, like almost every other dog born in the mid-1990’s. Basketball is part of me. I’m not trying to deny that. But it’s not all of me.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Sep. 5, 2017

The Bowdoin Football team has announced that they hope to improve their record this year to 1-7, a considerable change from last year’s 0-8 record.

“We know this might be a hard milestone to reach,” said sophomore Ralph Richards, “but anything is possible if you believe hard enough. You know what I mean?”

Head Coach Bob Hernandez says last year’s 0-8 record could be attributed to players focusing too much on schoolwork. “It seemed like they just disappeared from the field,” said Hernandez.

“I guess we’re the underdog this season,” Richards said, “but I guess it’s better to be the underdog than the abovedog. You know what I mean?”

The team’s first game will be September 16th against Williams College, which the team expects to lose.

By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 23, 2017

First-year golf player Brad Adams recently expressed his disappointment in the lack of hazing he received throughout his first year at Bowdoin. In the past, the College has severely punished teams caught in hazing scandals, which has prompted teams to end the practice for the most part. However, Adams says he wishes he had been hazed. To replicate the missed experience, he forced himself to drink his own urine.

“The year is pretty much over and I’m super bummed that no one ever hazed the shit out of me,” commented Adams. “No elephant walks, no sodomy via obscure objects, nothing. So I forced myself to drink my own urine. It sucked, but I really feel like one of the boys now.”

When asked if he would haze next year’s freshmen, Adams said, “Dude, c’mon. The proper term is ‘first-year.’ The word, ‘freshman’ is outdated, promotes exclusivity, and insinuates a social hierarchy within the student body. But yeah, they’re gonna be hazed out of their fuckin’ minds.”

By JACK ARNHOLZ May 8, 2017

Bowdoin College has decided that the Alliance for Sexual Assault Prevention (ASAP) will no longer serve as a campus-wide programming organization. Reports have confirmed that the College did not ask for students’ consent before making this decision.

“ASAP is changing, and students are probably fine with that,” said Director of Gender Violence Prevention and Education Veronica Matthews. “I mean, we asked a group of students if we could disband the program and one guy who was texting kind of nodded his head, clearly indicating affirmative consent.”

Matthews also announced that the administration plans to merge the Center for Gender Violence Prevention and Education with the men’s hockey team.

By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 5, 2017

In a highly controversial yet somewhat predictable move, the Bowdoin College Republicans and the Bowdoin Russian Club have decided to combine their organizations.

“The merge just made sense,” commented William Pemberton, a member of the Bowdoin College Republicans. “Both of our groups have very similar goals and ideas about the future. Honestly, it was kind of absurd that we had two separate clubs for so long.”

“It’s about time,” said the head of the Russian Club Allyson Federov. “We’ve basically been running their club for a year or two now, so it’s good to finally get the recognition we deserve.”

By SAM HALPERT May 4, 2017

Sources confirmed Tuesday that offensive lineman Alex Danello brought his tray of food over to the athlete section of Thorne before promptly ingesting his two plates of protein, his five cups of water, and all of his utensils.

Danello was later seen getting seconds of plates and cups. It is not uncommon for linemen to consume trays or even tables while trying to bulk up during the offseason. When asked about his diet, Danello said, “I try to keep a balanced diet. Forks and knives are excellent sources of iron and the plates fill me right up.”

At the end of lunch, Danello was seen pouring ketchup on a plump first-year. Sources were unable to confirm whether this act constituted preparation for a third course or if it was merely an incident of bullying.