By PATRICK LYNOTT May 11, 2018
Your birthday came and went, but this year more people seemed to care than ever. For that, you can thank the creator of Instagram, or whatever soulless, corporate mannequin decided that you needed to see the picture your old camp counselor was unsure about posting for real. Continue reading “Girl Who Wished You Happy Birthday on Her Instagram Story Couldn’t Care Less”
By AINE LAWLOR May 9, 2018
In a survey conducted by the Orient last week, 48% of Bowdoin students reported plans to intern at their father’s firm this summer. Coincidentally, this number is the same as the percentage of students who reported paying full tuition to the College. Continue reading “48% of Students Have Summer Internship at Dad’s Firm”
By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 7, 2018
Multiple sources have confirmed that during a section of Anthropology 1101 last week, sophomore Isabelle Mack prefaced her discussion comment by saying “I know you just kinda touched on this, but,” before repeating nearly word-for-word what the professor had literally just said. Continue reading ““I Know You Just Touched on This, But…” Says Student About To Literally Repeat What the Professor Just Said”
By JARED COLE May 4, 2018
Sophomore Jake Robertson could not handle the pressure any longer. In order to free himself from his own anxiety, Robertson got himself eliminated from Redemption. Continue reading “Student Eliminates Self from Redemption Game Due to Fear-Induced Anxiety”
By DAVID FIX May 2, 2018
I did not put myself through years of college for a major in Education, study for months before finally passing the Teacher Certification Test, and apply for teaching positions at ten different schools just so that I could end up becoming a teacher. Teachers hardly earn a livable salary, so I have to find other odd-jobs on the side like baking pastries at Panera Bread and selling coke. If only I could enter a higher-paying field, like orthodontia, but most people say that I’m too “unqualified” to be an orthodontist, yet somehow “qualified” to be a teacher. I just don’t get it. Continue reading “I Didn’t Earn a Bachelor’s Degree in Education and Take the Teacher Certification Test Just to Become a Teacher”
By SUMMERS ASKEW Apr. 30, 2018
In a landmark manslaughter case set in court last weekend, Judge Able Adams found and accepted “just ‘cuz” as just cause for the killing. Continue reading “Judge Determines “Just ‘Cuz” Appropriate Just Cause”
By SAM HALPERT Apr. 27, 2018
This little piggy went to the farmers market,
This little piggy went for kombucha, Continue reading “Three Little Piggies Went to the Market, Three Little Prosciuttos Came Home”
By BROOKE VAHOS Apr. 25, 2018
Last Friday were the long-anticipated initiations for next year’s batch of college house members. These events, which were alleged to be filled with cloaked figures, candles, sacrifices, and pentagrams, lacked any such paraphernalia. It came as a surprise for all the incoming members as rumors of hazing and sacrificial deaths during the events were reported from current house members. Continue reading “College House Initiations Painfully Devoid of Cloaks, Blood, Sacrifice”
By JACOB BASKES Apr. 23, 2018
The Bowdoin Student Government sent out a campus-wide email last night announcing the recall and rescheduling of the Executive Committee elections. Inside sources tell us that the problem involves the election of a blank dot over sole Chair of Student Affairs candidate Ben Painter. Continue reading “BSG Election Recalled After Unnamed Dot Wins Executive Committee Position”
By ARJUN MEHTA Apr. 20, 2018
Liz Harper ’21 spent yesterday gearing up for the weekend by ordering a half-dozen ‘prospies’ on Amazon Prime. After the Class of 2022’s Open House, a weekend designed to give admitted students a glimpse into the lives of first-years without revealing too much about the Bowdoin experience Continue reading “Lonely First-Year Orders Half-a-Dozen Prospective Students on Amazon Prime”
The Bowdoin Harpoon 