I know it’s super annoying, and you know I really hate to be that guy, but I kind of need you to send me that $5,000,000 right now if you haven’t already. So far I’ve only gotten money from Reed and the Schillers.
Graphic by Arah Kang
Again, hate to be that College President, but I’m actually spending a lot out of pocket currently, so if you could get it to me quickly that would really mean a lot. Ugh, I hate to even mention this because, like, you guys know I hate talking about money, but I took out a loan against some of those new treadmills in buck, and it’s really getting down to the wire here.
Also, someone left a green Nalgene in the basement of HL. It’s in my desk if you want to swing by and pick it up. Thanks!
On his most recent visit to Japan, President Trump made a point to visit Hiroshima, the site of the U.S. nuclear bombing that ended WWII.
“I’m giving such a fantastic speech right now. It’s really, very tremendous. I hope you all understand English, because I’m doing very well.”
In an internationally televised speech, Trump spoke to high ranking Japanese officials about the events. “We are so honored to be here today, so tremendously honored. And looking around me, it’s so clear that your people, your Japan people, have really recovered from this catastrophe really, very well. I am so glad you all avoided a real disaster here. A real disaster like Hillary’s emails.”
Ignoring gestures from both American and Japanese officials to leave the stage, he continued. “And let me tell you something about that crooked lady, let me tell you. All those emails – have you seen them? All those emails are so, so terrible. Real tragedies. And I’m so happy your country didn’t go through the real horror we all saw in her inbox. You’re all lucky, really. We are all so lucky.”
While his press team scrambled to address the initial negative backlash, President Trump took matters into his own hands to ameliorate the situation. He was quoted later that day convincing Japanese officials that Hillary would never be a problem for them, saying he had told her to “Fukushima off”. He then promptly asked them all if they wanted to “snag a saki.”
Hillary’s email server was ERROR 404 – SERVER NOT FOUND for comment.
Members of the student band 20/20, who notably made Burn happen earlier this year, have confirmed that they are now just one more College House performance from The Big Time.
“I’m really stoked on all the hookers and blow that we’ll get to buy with our Big Time cash,” said the band’s lead bassoonist Kendall Knight. “Until now, we’ve had to settle for warm Natty Lites and rhythmless hand jobs on the Reed dance floor.”
Photograph of the Big Time sensation taken for The Bowdoin Orient by Eliza Graumlich
“The biggest gig we’ve alt-rocked so far has definitely been opening for Smallpools at Ivies,” said background Glockenspiel player James Diamond. “In just a few weeks, I know we’ll be ready for the large pools. Is that weird? We’ll be ready for the big- uh – the big- big time pools. The big time large pools. Fuck it; you know what I mean. Just write it up so I sound cool.”
The band fuses aspects of heavy metal, gospel choir, children’s lullabies sung ominously in horror movie trailers, honky-tonk blues, and forlorn homeless men playing harmonica in boxcars to cultivate their eclectic sound. It’s that sound, along with just one more killer show at Quinby or Mac or whatever, that’s going to take them all the way to The Big Time.
Semi-electric bagpiper and lead chanter Logan Mitchell commented that when the band makes it big and goes off to California, he’s excited to start abusing prescription medications to cope with stardom— just with friends at Big Time Hollywood music parties at first, but eventually progressing to the point where the pill becomes the only thing that gets him out of bed in the morning, and the only thing that can get him to sleep at night. When his addiction gets in the way of the music and he gets kicked out of the band, he says, he’s optimistic that he’ll be able to get his act together, flush his pills down the toilet, reunite with his daughter, and write a new hit song that will show his band mates that he’s truly changed. Mitchell also remarked that if the whole music thing doesn’t work out, he “might go into finance or something.”
20/20’s last show at Helmreich House received rave reviews from a diverse audience that ranged from some of the residents of Helmreich House to some of the friends of some of the residents of Helmreich House. “I didn’t know we were having a thing tonight, but they’re cool I guess,” said one of the band’s many groupies.
Their highly anticipated new single, a sexually explicit cover of the Full House theme song, is expected to drop later this week.
Rumors have been flying like WORMS this week as Internet users speculated that Kylie Jenner, Kim Kardashian West, and Khloe Kardashian are all pregnant. A recent tweet shared by the pop culture icons confirms the suspicion, but with a notable twist: they’re all pregnant with the SAME baby!
Graphic by Arah Kang
Everyone is in SHOCK with regards to the newest reveal. The announcement came on Thursday morning via Kylie’s Twitter (@KylieJenner) where she wrote, “#excited and #blessed to be sharing a #baby with my #sisters!! It will be much easier to keep track of our #samebaby than #multiplebabies!”
Since then, both #samebaby and #multiplebabies have been trending on Twitter and Facebook in a flurry of shock and confusion, but mostly confusion. Fans will have to wait another 6 months to see how this all plays out, but our money is on some strange birth defect resulting in a really good series arc for season 15 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
In a statement released earlier this week, President Trump alluded to his fear of hitting his head on the United States debt ceiling
“All these people around me keep telling me I should start worrying about the debt ceiling,” said Trump. “It must be so low if everyone is talking about it. I mean, I am tall. Very tall. Really, really tall. So I am at a very high risk of being hurt by a low debt ceiling. Very high risk.”
Graphic by Arah Kang
“We’ve done all we can to explain to him that the term does not refer to a literal ceiling,” said a White House aide who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “Supply and demand graphs, metaphors, thought experiments. We even wrote and performed a puppet show, but we couldn’t get it under 45 seconds so he lost interest.”
“If I had been in charge of this ceiling, it would’ve been the highest ceiling this country has ever seen,” continued Trump. “It would’ve been a magnificent, soaring ceiling, just like the ceilings in my buildings. So high. Massive. No one would hurt.”
America remains on the precipice of default and undermining the credibility upon which the entire global economy rests.
Female college sophomore Summers Askew is really excited to be desired less romantically this year due to her mature age.
“I guess I’m just ready for the opportunity,” said the decrepit, wrinkled old hag. “The attention I was getting was beginning to be too much. It’s nice to have a break from it all.”
Can you spot the subtle differences between the two photographs?
The common phenomenon ofagingwomanbeing desired less than younger, fresher, more recently packaged meat dates back centuries, and is especially relevant in college dating culture. The start of a new school year means that only first-yearwomenare exciting and interesting to boys on campus.
“The anonymity is refreshing. My thoughts are with any and all first years who have to brave the year ahead,” Askew said. “If anywomen out there want to experience peace, if only for a fleeting moment, my Class of 2020 t-shirt and its accompanying walker can be rented out at the Smith Union information desk.”
Askew is currently single and getting really into Planet Earth on Netflix.
Neighborhood dog Fido has determined that since the 2016 Presidential Election his life has remained largely the same, and also butts smell great.
Much like the rest of America, Fido watched the events on MSNBC from the porch, paws trembling, when Donald Trump marked his territory on the United States. “I was in a really ruff place,” barked Fido. “I was so mad at myself that I didn’t vote on account of me being a dog. I had to spend some time outside to do some thinking.”
A face full of crotch is also a nice way to unwind
But Fido claims his time thinking changed his view on the outcome of the election. He noticed his life is nearly the same as what it was before, with one small addition.
“I was really concerned about how would it affect people of color, LGBTQ people, those without voices, and all those historically oppressed by conservative male values. But then I realized I’m still a dog. I still get the newspaper every day. I still have my chew toys. I even noticed one more thing,” he added, “butts smell great.”
Fido reports that butts smell so great that much of his day is spent with his face right up against a person’s anus. “In life, you have to find the little things. I can’t control the way the world works, but what I can control is how far I can get up in someone’s butt.”
Fido has found solace in this new outlook on life. Most days, he can be found in his doghouse with his head up his own ass.
The U.S. News and World Report knows that the college experience can’t be measured by a series of data points. So this year, we’ve ditched all the complicated formulas and charts to get to academia’s true essence. This year, the “Best National Liberal Arts Colleges of 2018” is just a straight up alphabetical list. Hopefully, this shake-up holds our readers’ attention just long enough to remind them that we publish more than annual college rankings!
Best National Liberal Arts Colleges
Amherst College
Bard College
Barnard College
Bates College
Bowdoin College
Bryn Mawr College
Bucknell University
Carleton College
Centre College
Claremont McKenna College
Our Formula
To calculate our rankings, U.S. News gathered data from each college on 15 diverse indicators of academic excellence, such as graduation rates, faculty information and admissions statistics.
Then, we threw it all away, and looked only how each college’s name is spelled. But don’t get too hung up on that; remember, we rank a ton of other stuff, too! Like law firms! And diets!
How the Methodology Works
Schools whose names begin with “A” were given higher rankings than schools whose names began with “B,” “C,” or even “D.” Once we had thoroughly weighed and compared first letters, we moved on to the second letters, rigorously assessing how early in the alphabet each letter appeared. By the way, why don’t you check out our Opinions section? There’s an article called “Why We Need to Talk More Openly About Suicide.” That seems interesting, right?
Sorry, Williams
Please keep in mind that this ranking should not be your only criterion when making a college decision. After you factor in campus feel, academic rigor, and financial aid, you may find that Grinnell is a better fit for you than Barnard. While you’re at it, you may also want to check out our news section! We’ve got lots of articles about Trump!
Is our methodology slightly different from last year? Yes. Are our rankings still the same objective indicators of something about colleges? Again, yes. Are we actively changing the criteria to get people talking about us? Absolutely.
Republicans in the North Carolina state legislature called a special session yesterday to redraw the state’s 19th congressional district to include Ft. Bragg, Spring Lake, and Moscow, Russia. Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake were both formerly a part of the state’s 21st district while Moscow was previously a part of the Russian Federation.
Moscow and North Carolina go together like homophobia and Moscow and/or North Carolina
Gerrymandering, the practice of strategically redrawing voting districts with the voting tendencies of constituent peoples in mind, has long been criticized as a way for incumbents to choose their voters with the aim of preserving political power. Many critics pointed out that Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake both lean Democrat, with Hillary Clinton picking up 51% and 53% of the vote respectively in the 2016 General Election. Moscow elected Vladimir Putin in the last election with 103% of the vote. Boris Nemtsov, an opposition candidate, was subsequently murdered in February of 2015.
Critics of the new redistricting plan are also up in arms about ballot integrity. Proponents of the new plan, however, point to the KGB’s offer to “secure the voting process” as a sufficient measure to protect against any sort of voter fraud. Steve Bannon has also personally volunteered to count the votes with the tentacles that exist where his hands should be.
After spending his summer on the North Shore of Massachusetts, junior Jack Mathis is concerned that he is no longer Woke.
Yeah, I’m woke. But am I Woke?
“I had a great time with my high school bros on the North Shore this summer, but they are definitely not as Woke as my fellow Polar Bears, and unfortunately I think it’s rubbed off on me a little bit,” said Mathis. “I keep calling the first-years ‘freshmen,’ I didn’t say ‘fuck the patriarchy’ once in my Gender and Women’s Studies class, and I even forgot to take the time to check my privilege the other day. It’s gotten bad, man.”
Mathis claimed that he was doing all he could to reverse this and once again become Woke. However, sources say that over the weekend he posted a picture on Instagram with the caption, “Saturdays Are For The Boys,” which he would have found to be “problematic” last year.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 