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Football Player Eats Tray of Food, Cup, Silverware

By SAM HALPERT May 4, 2017

Sources confirmed Tuesday that offensive lineman Alex Danello brought his tray of food over to the athlete section of Thorne before promptly ingesting his two plates of protein, his five cups of water, and all of his utensils.

Danello was later seen getting seconds of plates and cups. It is not uncommon for linemen to consume trays or even tables while trying to bulk up during the offseason. When asked about his diet, Danello said, “I try to keep a balanced diet. Forks and knives are excellent sources of iron and the plates fill me right up.”

At the end of lunch, Danello was seen pouring ketchup on a plump first-year. Sources were unable to confirm whether this act constituted preparation for a third course or if it was merely an incident of bullying.

 

All, Bowdoin

College To Replace Shower Floors in First-Year Bricks With Just Pubic Hair

By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 3, 2017

Earlier this week college officials announced that, starting in the fall of 2017, the tile floors in the first-year dorm showers will be replaced with a thick layer of miscellaneous pubic hair.

“This decision came after many hours of deliberation,” said a spokesperson for the College. “The current tile floors were very expensive, and they were already covered in a heavy coat of students’ pubic hair—so this solution is both cost-effective and sustainable.”

When asked about the sturdiness of the new surfaces, officials said that there would not be a problem as the pubic hair will be held together with plenty of semen provided by both the College and first-years who haven’t yet synced their roommates’ class schedules to their masturbation schedules.

 

All, World

Kim Jong-Un Realizes He’s Dealing With Madman

By JACK ARNHOLZ May 2, 2017

As tensions between the United States and North Korea continue to escalate, Dictator Kim Jong-Un realized that he might be dealing with a madman: President Donald J. Trump.

“Look,” Kim said, “I’m a bad guy. I mean, I fed one of my uncles to a pack of rabid wolves in a soccer stadium for God’s sakes. But this guy Trump is in a whole different category. I mean, lying about sending a warship to Korea? What the fuck?”

When asked if he had anything in common with Trump, Kim said, “Well, we were both endorsed by Dennis Rodman.”

Originally published on College Reaction

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All, Bowdoin

Singles Lottery for the Dejected and Unhoused Still Open

By HAILEY WOZNIAK May 1, 2017

Director of Housing Melissa Sandal announced this week that the singles lottery for the dejected and unhoused will be taking place as a randomized match-making service this year.

“We kept seeing students show up with broken hearts and nowhere to live,” said Sandal, “and I knew that the college just had to do more. I had to do more.”

Students will receive two lottery numbers: one for their place in the housing queue, and another for the singles lottery. Students with matching numbers will have the evening to mingle and choose their rooms with their depressing new friends. However, students who don’t have chemistry with their partners will have to choose from an array of chem-free, love-free singles. Res life will be providing soft drinks, vitamin D tablets, and on-site support for these poor, poor wretches.

 

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Free Speech Activist Hockey Player to Sing Every Word in Every A$AP Ferg Song

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 29, 2017

Bowdoin hockey player and free speech activist Chadley Worthington announced today that he will be singing every word to every A$AP Ferg song performed during the Saturday Ivies concert.

“Some people at this school are trying to tell me what I can and can’t sing, and I won’t stand for it,” said Worthington. “I’m going to exercise my constitutional right to yell along to the entire song, not just part of it. And no one can criticize me because that’s in the constitution.”

“I don’t see songs in terms of ‘black’ lyrics and ‘white’ lyrics,” Worthington continued. “To me, it’s all just music. I guess I’m color deaf.”

Although he had not been asked another question, Worthington continued to justify his decision. “It’s just, I don’t believe in musical discrimination, OK? If I sing along to Small Pools then I have to sing every single individual word of every A$AP Ferg song, even if it makes a few people uncomfortable. It’s what Martin Luther King would do.”

A fellow member of the hockey team commented, “Chad uses the n-word a lot anyway, so this really won’t be that different from any other day.”

 

All, Bowdoin

Professor Always Drunk for Class Finally Has Excuse During Ivies

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 28, 2017

Ivies marks the first time all semester that Professor Emily Malkin can justify coming to teach her only class, Color Theory and Surrealism in Austria, belligerently intoxicated.

Throughout the semester, Professor Malkin would drive to campus from Bath while taking swigs directly from a bottle of New Amsterdam Vodka. Amazingly, she was never apprehended by law enforcement and always arrived on time for her 2:30pm class. “My greatest fear in life is getting caught,” said Professor Malkin. “My second greatest fear is talking about color theory with a blood alcohol content lower than .15%.

Professor always drunk for class
       “This is clearly a cry for help. Why won’t anyone listen?”

Her consistent intoxication hasn’t gone unnoticed by her students. “We spent an entire hour and a half last week trying to the change the topic from the color purple,” said one student. “Every time anybody said the word, ‘purple,’ Professor Malkin would start to weep uncontrollably.”

This week, however, Professor Malkin and her students will be equally intoxicated.

All, Maine

Woman to Take Wage Gap Year Before Starting College

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 26, 2017

18-year-old Jenny Fischer has decided to defer her acceptance to Bowdoin College next semester to take a wage gap year in the American workforce.

“I think this will really prepare me for the outside world,” said Fischer. “A wage gap year is exactly what I need to get me ready to become a productive, undervalued member of society.”

Fischer’s wage gap year will consist of working literally anywhere in America and getting paid less than a man to do so. “This will be such a unique experience that I’ll be sharing with every other woman working in the US,” said Fischer. “I can’t wait.”

All, World

The Question We’re All Asking About Syria: Where is it?

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 25, 2017

Syria has been all over the news lately. But with so much conflicting information clogging our airwaves, it’s tough to figure out exactly what’s happening. So, let’s address the question we’re all asking about Syria: where is it?

The unfortunate truth is that we’re not quite sure.

The Question We're All Asking About Syria
                     Where are you, Syria? You wily little minx, you.

Depending on whom you ask, it could be in space, hiding, or all around us. In an era of politically divided news sources, where you think Syria is really depends on who you voted for in 2016. For that reason, we’ll start to answer this question by listing where we know it’s not.

For one, we know that it’s not in the basement fridge. While we don’t know exactly how big Syria is, we do know that there are at least three people in it, and the fridge only holds two. We can also be fairly sure that it’s not in the Middle East, because that would just be silly. The Middle East has enough shit going on already, so we won’t burden it further by just throwing Syria right into the middle of it.

Even though we haven’t figured out exactly where Syria is, we’ve deduced enough to move into more complicated questions, like, “Who lives there?” and, “Why does the U.S. feel the need to diminish the importance of civilian casualties caused by our country’s airstrikes aimed at eliminating terrorist headquarters?”

Bowdoin

Athletic Department Announces 104th Annual NARP Hunt

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 24, 2017

On Wednesday, Athletic Department Chair Tim Ryan announced the 104th Annual NARP Hunt. The hunt, sponsored by Smith and Wesson, involves giving campus NARP’s six hours to hide before arming student athletes with camo Nike Dri-fit clothing, lacrosse helmets, and M&P15 hunting rifles.

Members of the Old Surrey Burstow and West Kent Hunt ride to Chiddingstone Castle for the annual Boxing Day hunt in Chiddingstone, south east England
                                                    It begins. 

Ryan gleefully proclaimed, “The NARP Hunt is an excellent way for student athletes to build camaraderie in a safe, supportive environment. The Hunt also allows student athletes to forge intense relationships with their NARP peers. Let me tell you, there is no bond more extreme than between predator and prey.”

Senior sportsman Declan Sims noted, “The Hunt is especially meaningful to us seniors. We’ve trained so hard to be where we are and I know we are going to give it 110%. I’m so grateful to all of my coaches and parents for supporting me through this process and I’m just hoping to take it one NARP at a time.”

Faculty prepared for the event by setting up a grandstand on the quad and betting on which first-year would be first to fall as frightened NARPS scampered for cover.