Month: September 2017

All, Bowdoin September 29, 2017September 29, 2017

Aging Woman Thrilled To Be Desired Less

By SUMMERS ASKEW Sep. 29, 2017

Female college sophomore Summers Askew is really excited to be desired less romantically this year due to her mature age.

“I guess I’m just ready for the opportunity,” said the decrepit, wrinkled old hag. “The attention I was getting was beginning to be too much. It’s nice to have a break from it all.”

Aging Woman Thrilled to be Desired Less — Can you spot the subtle differences between the two photographs?

The common phenomenon of aging woman being desired less than younger, fresher, more recently packaged meat dates back centuries, and is especially relevant in college dating culture. The start of a new school year means that only first-year women are exciting and interesting to boys on campus.

“The anonymity is refreshing. My thoughts are with any and all first years who have to brave the year ahead,” Askew said. “If any women out there want to experience peace, if only for a fleeting moment, my Class of 2020 t-shirt and its accompanying walker can be rented out at the Smith Union information desk.”

Askew is currently single and getting really into Planet Earth on Netflix.

All, Maine September 28, 2017

Dog Realizes Life After Trump Is Largely the Same and Also Butts Smell Great

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sep. 28, 2017

Neighborhood dog Fido has determined that since the 2016 Presidential Election his life has remained largely the same, and also butts smell great.

Much like the rest of America, Fido watched the events on MSNBC from the porch, paws trembling, when Donald Trump marked his territory on the United States. “I was in a really ruff place,” barked Fido. “I was so mad at myself that I didn’t vote on account of me being a dog. I had to spend some time outside to do some thinking.”

20170626092125 — A face full of crotch is also a nice way to unwind

But Fido claims his time thinking changed his view on the outcome of the election. He noticed his life is nearly the same as what it was before, with one small addition.

“I was really concerned about how would it affect people of color, LGBTQ people, those without voices, and all those historically oppressed by conservative male values. But then I realized I’m still a dog. I still get the newspaper every day. I still have my chew toys. I even noticed one more thing,” he added, “butts smell great.”

Fido reports that butts smell so great that much of his day is spent with his face right up against a person’s anus. “In life, you have to find the little things. I can’t control the way the world works, but what I can control is how far I can get up in someone’s butt.”

Fido has found solace in this new outlook on life. Most days, he can be found in his doghouse with his head up his own ass.

All, U.S. September 26, 2017

How We Calculated the 2018 Best Colleges Rankings: Fuck It, They’re Just Alphabetical

By SARA BARONSKY Sep. 26, 2017

The U.S. News and World Report knows that the college experience can’t be measured by a series of data points. So this year, we’ve ditched all the complicated formulas and charts to get to academia’s true essence. This year, the “Best National Liberal Arts Colleges of 2018” is just a straight up alphabetical list. Hopefully, this shake-up holds our readers’ attention just long enough to remind them that we publish more than annual college rankings!

Best National Liberal Arts Colleges

Amherst College
Bard College
Barnard College
Bates College
Bowdoin College
Bryn Mawr College
Bucknell University
Carleton College
Centre College
Claremont McKenna College

Our Formula

To calculate our rankings, U.S. News gathered data from each college on 15 diverse indicators of academic excellence, such as graduation rates, faculty information and admissions statistics.

Then, we threw it all away, and looked only how each college’s name is spelled. But don’t get too hung up on that; remember, we rank a ton of other stuff, too! Like law firms! And diets!

How the Methodology Works

Schools whose names begin with “A” were given higher rankings than schools whose names began with “B,” “C,” or even “D.” Once we had thoroughly weighed and compared first letters, we moved on to the second letters, rigorously assessing how early in the alphabet each letter appeared. By the way, why don’t you check out our Opinions section? There’s an article called “Why We Need to Talk More Openly About Suicide.” That seems interesting, right?

Sorry, Williams

Please keep in mind that this ranking should not be your only criterion when making a college decision. After you factor in campus feel, academic rigor, and financial aid, you may find that Grinnell is a better fit for you than Barnard. While you’re at it, you may also want to check out our news section! We’ve got lots of articles about Trump!

Is our methodology slightly different from last year? Yes. Are our rankings still the same objective indicators of something about colleges? Again, yes. Are we actively changing the criteria to get people talking about us? Absolutely.

All, U.S. September 24, 2017

Gerrymandering in North Carolina Includes Moscow in 19th District

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 24, 2017

Republicans in the North Carolina state legislature called a special session yesterday to redraw the state’s 19^th congressional district to include Ft. Bragg, Spring Lake, and Moscow, Russia. Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake were both formerly a part of the state’s 21^st district while Moscow was previously a part of the Russian Federation.

Gerrymandering in North Carolina Includes — Moscow and North Carolina go together like homophobia and Moscow and/or North Carolina

Gerrymandering, the practice of strategically redrawing voting districts with the voting tendencies of constituent peoples in mind, has long been criticized as a way for incumbents to choose their voters with the aim of preserving political power. Many critics pointed out that Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake both lean Democrat, with Hillary Clinton picking up 51% and 53% of the vote respectively in the 2016 General Election. Moscow elected Vladimir Putin in the last election with 103% of the vote. Boris Nemtsov, an opposition candidate, was subsequently murdered in February of 2015.

Critics of the new redistricting plan are also up in arms about ballot integrity. Proponents of the new plan, however, point to the KGB’s offer to “secure the voting process” as a sufficient measure to protect against any sort of voter fraud. Steve Bannon has also personally volunteered to count the votes with the tentacles that exist where his hands should be.

All, Bowdoin September 23, 2017

After Summer Away from Bowdoin, Student Worried He’s No Longer Woke

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Sep. 23, 2017

After spending his summer on the North Shore of Massachusetts, junior Jack Mathis is concerned that he is no longer Woke.

After Summer Away From Bowdoin — Yeah, I’m woke. But am I Woke?

“I had a great time with my high school bros on the North Shore this summer, but they are definitely not as Woke as my fellow Polar Bears, and unfortunately I think it’s rubbed off on me a little bit,” said Mathis. “I keep calling the first-years ‘freshmen,’ I didn’t say ‘fuck the patriarchy’ once in my Gender and Women’s Studies class, and I even forgot to take the time to check my privilege the other day. It’s gotten bad, man.”

Mathis claimed that he was doing all he could to reverse this and once again become Woke. However, sources say that over the weekend he posted a picture on Instagram with the caption, “Saturdays Are For The Boys,” which he would have found to be “problematic” last year.

All, U.S. September 22, 2017September 22, 2017

Only 90s Kids Will Get Evicted From Their Homes Because of Crippling Levels of Student Debt

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 22, 2017

The 90s were a glorious time of consistent economic growth, great young adult literature, and flawless animated television. Times were simpler. Children played outside and drank from the hose instead of playing on their iPhones while sipping Kombucha. Now, all the children of this Golden Generation are saddled with unprecedented levels of college debt.

Only 90s kids will remember planning their whole life playing MASH and failing to predict the rising price of college that would cause them to take on soul crushing debt.

Only 90s kids will remember buying books from the scholastic books fair handout instead of saving to pay the interest on student loans.

Only 90s kids will remember using a paper fortune teller to pick their spouse, who they had no idea would be kidnapped from what they thought was their home in the dead of night when Jimmy Nugs the loan shark came to collect.

Only 90s kids will remember how cool Heelys were and wish they had them now to escape from debtors’ prison.

Only 90s kids will remember wanting more than anything to be slimed on a Nickelodeon program, but now just want a home, or at least a clean cell.

All, Bowdoin September 21, 2017

Senior Holds Skype Interview In Just Dress Pants

By JACOB BASKES Sep. 21, 2017

Senior Economics major Alex Canton participated in a Skype interview this week wearing nothing but navy blue slacks from J.Crew.

Skype Background — A screenshot of one of Canton’s more successful interviews

The interview was held on Saturday morning at 9:00 AM, meaning Canton, who had partied off-campus until 3:00 AM the previous night, was still incredibly high, hungover, and hungry. These factors combined in a perfect storm to cause his outfit faux pas. Canton was interviewing for a position with JPMorgan Chase, but, according to Canton, “Once I saw my bare chest on the monitor I knew it wouldn’t be a long interview.”

To make matters worse, the senior lost a bet the night before and was forced to shave his chest hair to read, “I like dicks, and also finance is stupid.” Canton believes it was the second half of the phrase that caused the interviewer the most distress.

Canton is not expecting to move on to the second round of interviews, but has not lost all hope yet. “You never know. Sometimes they’re looking for people who stand out, and it’s always great to start with a bong. I mean, bang.”

All, Bowdoin September 20, 2017September 20, 2017

BSG Passes Sanctions on North Korea

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 20, 2017

In an effort to curtail the aggressive expansion of North Korea’s nuclear program, the Bowdoin Student Government has passed a vicious round of sanctions against the authoritarian dictatorship.

The BSG and North Korea have been engaged in an increasingly heated show of force over the past few months while North Korea has continued to test nuclear missiles in violation of international law and the Bowdoin Code of Conduct. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has poured billions of dollars into his country’s nuclear program while the BSG has also devoted a sizable portion of its budget for the current fiscal year into putting up some strongly worded posters around campus. It is unclear whether or not the posters will succeed in swaying the dictator.

170109135700-kim-jong-un-20170101-full-169 — If sanctions, speeches, and posters can’t stop him, what will?

In a press conference, the official spokesperson for the BSG, senior Freddie Tonkel, proclaimed, “BSG is ready to rain fire and fury down upon North Korea. We are locked and loaded and ready to take drastic measures.”

While Tonkel refused to clarify the precise meaning of “drastic measures,” some have speculated that he is referring to cancelling Korean Barbecue Tuesdays in Moulton.

All, World September 18, 2017

ISIS Pleasantly Surprised by Order of Bath Bombs

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 18, 2017

Members of ISIS stationed near the Turkish border were pleasantly surprised by an order of bath bombs this week.

“We thought they were bombs specifically designed to blow up bathtubs,” said one member. He continued, “We really wanted to combat the whole ‘you’re more likely to die in a bathtub than in a terrorist attack narrative.’ What we got instead turned out to be so much better. It has really kept spirits high even after losing control of Mosul.”

“My personal favorite is the ‘Cheer Me Up Buttercup.’ The blend of citrus really just brightens my mood and makes me feel completely rejuvenated,” said another. “I would be lying if I didn’t say I am a little disappointed I have not had the chance to use the ‘Sex Bomb.’”

“We have never been so prepared to purify our skin and purify the Earth of the stain of infidels,” said the team’s leader.

All, U.S. September 15, 2017

Hurricane Taylor On Course to Hit Rock Bottom

By SUMMERS ASKEW Sep. 15, 2017

Hurricane Taylor, a storm sourced from a young girl who’s had her heart broken one too many times, is currently on course to hit rock bottom this fall.

“We just don’t know what to do,” said local listener Chad Michael. “Everything was so pleasant – so innocent – so tolerable – and now this? What did we do to deserve this?”

As the storm approaches, stores around the country are selling out of supplies needed to survive the natural disaster. Local business owner Michael Murray has noticed that Lorde’s Melodrama and Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. have been especially popular. “At this point people will stock up on anything. Even the Julia and Julia soundtrack is sold out.”

The storm is forecasted to affect half the nation, with Florida receiving the most serious blows. Taylor Swift’s new album reputation will be released on November 10, 2017.