Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

All, Bowdoin

Free Speech Activist Hockey Player to Sing Every Word in Every A$AP Ferg Song

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 29, 2017

Bowdoin hockey player and free speech activist Chadley Worthington announced today that he will be singing every word to every A$AP Ferg song performed during the Saturday Ivies concert.

“Some people at this school are trying to tell me what I can and can’t sing, and I won’t stand for it,” said Worthington. “I’m going to exercise my constitutional right to yell along to the entire song, not just part of it. And no one can criticize me because that’s in the constitution.”

“I don’t see songs in terms of ‘black’ lyrics and ‘white’ lyrics,” Worthington continued. “To me, it’s all just music. I guess I’m color deaf.”

Although he had not been asked another question, Worthington continued to justify his decision. “It’s just, I don’t believe in musical discrimination, OK? If I sing along to Small Pools then I have to sing every single individual word of every A$AP Ferg song, even if it makes a few people uncomfortable. It’s what Martin Luther King would do.”

A fellow member of the hockey team commented, “Chad uses the n-word a lot anyway, so this really won’t be that different from any other day.”

 

All, Bowdoin

Professor Always Drunk for Class Finally Has Excuse During Ivies

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 28, 2017

Ivies marks the first time all semester that Professor Emily Malkin can justify coming to teach her only class, Color Theory and Surrealism in Austria, belligerently intoxicated.

Throughout the semester, Professor Malkin would drive to campus from Bath while taking swigs directly from a bottle of New Amsterdam Vodka. Amazingly, she was never apprehended by law enforcement and always arrived on time for her 2:30pm class. “My greatest fear in life is getting caught,” said Professor Malkin. “My second greatest fear is talking about color theory with a blood alcohol content lower than .15%.

Professor always drunk for class
       “This is clearly a cry for help. Why won’t anyone listen?”

Her consistent intoxication hasn’t gone unnoticed by her students. “We spent an entire hour and a half last week trying to the change the topic from the color purple,” said one student. “Every time anybody said the word, ‘purple,’ Professor Malkin would start to weep uncontrollably.”

This week, however, Professor Malkin and her students will be equally intoxicated.

All, Maine

Woman to Take Wage Gap Year Before Starting College

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 26, 2017

18-year-old Jenny Fischer has decided to defer her acceptance to Bowdoin College next semester to take a wage gap year in the American workforce.

“I think this will really prepare me for the outside world,” said Fischer. “A wage gap year is exactly what I need to get me ready to become a productive, undervalued member of society.”

Fischer’s wage gap year will consist of working literally anywhere in America and getting paid less than a man to do so. “This will be such a unique experience that I’ll be sharing with every other woman working in the US,” said Fischer. “I can’t wait.”

All, World

The Question We’re All Asking About Syria: Where is it?

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 25, 2017

Syria has been all over the news lately. But with so much conflicting information clogging our airwaves, it’s tough to figure out exactly what’s happening. So, let’s address the question we’re all asking about Syria: where is it?

The unfortunate truth is that we’re not quite sure.

The Question We're All Asking About Syria
                     Where are you, Syria? You wily little minx, you.

Depending on whom you ask, it could be in space, hiding, or all around us. In an era of politically divided news sources, where you think Syria is really depends on who you voted for in 2016. For that reason, we’ll start to answer this question by listing where we know it’s not.

For one, we know that it’s not in the basement fridge. While we don’t know exactly how big Syria is, we do know that there are at least three people in it, and the fridge only holds two. We can also be fairly sure that it’s not in the Middle East, because that would just be silly. The Middle East has enough shit going on already, so we won’t burden it further by just throwing Syria right into the middle of it.

Even though we haven’t figured out exactly where Syria is, we’ve deduced enough to move into more complicated questions, like, “Who lives there?” and, “Why does the U.S. feel the need to diminish the importance of civilian casualties caused by our country’s airstrikes aimed at eliminating terrorist headquarters?”

Bowdoin

Athletic Department Announces 104th Annual NARP Hunt

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 24, 2017

On Wednesday, Athletic Department Chair Tim Ryan announced the 104th Annual NARP Hunt. The hunt, sponsored by Smith and Wesson, involves giving campus NARP’s six hours to hide before arming student athletes with camo Nike Dri-fit clothing, lacrosse helmets, and M&P15 hunting rifles.

Members of the Old Surrey Burstow and West Kent Hunt ride to Chiddingstone Castle for the annual Boxing Day hunt in Chiddingstone, south east England
                                                    It begins. 

Ryan gleefully proclaimed, “The NARP Hunt is an excellent way for student athletes to build camaraderie in a safe, supportive environment. The Hunt also allows student athletes to forge intense relationships with their NARP peers. Let me tell you, there is no bond more extreme than between predator and prey.”

Senior sportsman Declan Sims noted, “The Hunt is especially meaningful to us seniors. We’ve trained so hard to be where we are and I know we are going to give it 110%. I’m so grateful to all of my coaches and parents for supporting me through this process and I’m just hoping to take it one NARP at a time.”

Faculty prepared for the event by setting up a grandstand on the quad and betting on which first-year would be first to fall as frightened NARPS scampered for cover.

 

All, Bowdoin

New Polaris Classfinder Features “Easy-A” Filter

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 23, 2017

Classfinder (BETA) has rolled out on the Polaris website, and among many other brand-new features, it includes an “Easy-A” filter.

_Blowoff_Filter

The new program was introduced just in time for course registration for Fall 2017, and students have praised its improvement over the previous version. “I never knew what was available to me,” said one junior. “I have extremely low motivation, and the new ‘Easy-A’ filter shows me exactly what classes I can take without having to exert myself in the slightest.”

Through the first round of registration, classes like History of Jazz and Any Sociology Course have seen a record number of requests, while certain higher-level courses have yet to be requested once.

Probable additions in the next Classfinder update include a professor beauty rating and a service that tells users what courses their ex has requested.

All, U.S.

Five Ways You Can Help The Environment This Earth Day

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Apr. 22, 2017

In honor of Earth Day, we’ve decided to compile a list of five simple things you can do in your everyday life in order to have a positive impact on this beautiful planet we live on.

  1. Take a tree out on a date, but politely refuse its sexual advances

What better way to help out good ol’ Mother Nature than to take the nearest tree out on a date? Put on something nice, take it to the local fancy restaurant, and make sure to pick up the bill. Afterwards it might insist that you go back to its place for some coffee, but politely refuse and and say you’ll call it tomorrow. This way, you’ll maintain the tree’s interest without playing all of your cards.

  1. Vomit less.

Studies show that 80% of air pollutants are from human vomit. So, do the Earth a solid and try to throw up less often. Whether this means holding off on that extra shot of tequila, or passing on that funnel cake before the roller coaster, try doing whatever it takes to keep the vomit inside your body.

  1. Paint a greenhouse red.

Everyone has heard about the dangers greenhouse gases pose to the atmosphere. They’re bad and they can alter the Earth’s natural systems. In order to combat them, you should try and paint your local greenhouse red. No one has ever heard of redhouse gases harming anything!

  1. Use reusable rabbits.

This one is both good for the environment and cost effective! It’s no secret that everybody keeps rabbits in their sock drawer to sniff occasionally.  But how about using reusable rabbits that you can sniff multiple times? Disposable rabbits are wasteful and bad for the environment; you throw them away after only one sniff! If everyone switched over to reusable rabbits, we’d see big changes in our environment. Mother Earth will thank you for it and so will your wallet!    

  1. Travel only by razor scooter to reduce your carbon footprint.

Reducing our carbon footprint is essential to helping the environment. Some experts have suggested wearing different shoes to reduce your footprint, but we think you can go further. Why walk and leave any tracks at all? Riding around on your razor scooter is a double win: you won’t leave any footprints and you’ll look super cool!

All, Maine

Misogynist Woman Undergoes Plastic Surgery to Feel More Like an Object

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Apr. 20, 2017

Local misogynist woman Rosie Highman recently underwent an experimental form of plastic surgery in order to feel more like an object. She said the procedure marked a life long ambition to have her outer appearance reflect her inner self.

3042430-poster-p-1-hello-barbie-talking-toy-toytalk
                                       “I finally feel like myself”

“I was never like those other girls as a kid,” she said. “They all wanted to be doctors or lawyers. I just wanted to stand around with my hand on my hip and my mouth slightly open for hours. I would look at these women in storefronts and just be mesmerized. Then someone told me that they weren’t people but plastic mannequins, but I told them to shut up immediately and take me to the nearest plastic surgeon.”

Ms. Highman had to make several trips to the bank, but eventually got the body she always dreamed of. “I can’t move my arms anymore, but what use would I have for them? I’m a woman.”

All, U.S.

Mike Pence Takes Wife Out to Dinner, Never Calls Her Again

By PAUL GARLICK Apr. 19, 2017

After taking his wife out to an expensive Italian restaurant on Capitol Hill, Mike Pence has reportedly decided to never call her again.

Since Pence is known as a man who upholds the highest standards of 18th century chivalry, this action comes as a shock to most.

President Donald Trump commented, “Let me tell you, I’ve known Mike for years, and he’s great, so great. But this is a big surprise. He’s never even had a meal with another woman unless his wife is there. Man those two must be close. Now to never call her again, he must have become some sort of misogynist overnight. Sad!”