Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

All, Maine

“Follow the Money,” Screams Local Man at Newspaper

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 4, 2017

64-year-old Maine resident Tim Anderson was seen in Cascada Park today screaming at the print edition of the Bangor Daily News.

Sources alleged that Anderson was yelling phrases at the paper like, “Follow the money,” and, “Investigate the trail of clues that the money is leaving,” and, “Put a tracking device on the money and then wait for the money to arrive at its destination and then go to said destination.” He eventually lost his voice, but, while loudly shuffling through the pages of the publication, went on to produce a low-pitched growling noise from the back of his throat for five-and-half hours until the park closed for the day and he was asked to leave

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“Why doesn’t my daughter ever visit me?”

“I don’t even think he was actually reading the paper,” said Dolores Higgins, a woman in the park. “I snuck up behind him to see what he was reacting to, and he was looking at the wedding section. He was staring at a photograph of a newlywed couple, and then just started shouting, ‘The money,’ for a while until he lost his breath. It looked like he needed to eat better and maybe exercise.”

“Sometimes he would make eye contact with me and gesture to the paper looking exasperated,” Higgins continued. “Then he would touch himself.”

 

All, Maine

Report: Only Thing Sexier than Man Vaping is Same Man Not Vaping

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 3, 2017

Researchers at Georgetown University recently discovered that the only thing on earth with a higher sex appeal than a vaping male was that same male after his vaporizer had been thrown in a trash compacter.

The researchers polled 30,000 male and female respondents. 98% of respondents rated a pale, thin vaping man wearing DC brand shoes as the second most attractive thing in the world, behind only that same puss-crusher not vaping.

The study may be skewed, however, as over 70% of respondents claimed to be residents of Vape Nation.

All, Bowdoin

Prick Who Won’t Shut Up in Your Class Looks in Mirror and Sees Jesus

By SAM HALPERT Mar. 30, 2017

Sources confirmed that the one fucker who just won’t stop talking even though everyone in the class wants Him to recently looked in the mirror to see none other than the Son of God.

The self-righteous prick reportedly feigned surprise before accepting that He was, in fact, sent by God to bless your class with the Truth. As of Sunday night, The King of Kings had reportedly decided to communicate the Truth in the form of regular interruptions, tangential remarks disguised as questions, and outright infuriating comments during open class discussions. The Good Shepherd acknowledged that His journey would not be easy and that He would need to open the eyes of His blind classmates who were not blessed with His same superior intellect and acute awareness of the world.

The Son of Man noted that He did not choose this path of righteousness, but would answer His calling to preach regardless. The Prince of Peace gazed longingly into the distance, presumably imaging a world in which the professor would no longer cut Him off during his elocutions.

Sources confirmed that the class is currently rolling their eyes in anticipation of the Messiah’s next comment.

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin Organic Garden’s “Free Grow” Initiative Stocks Campus Bathrooms with Fresh Spinach

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 29, 2017

Bathrooms across campus have been stocked with fresh, leafy greens as part of Bowdoin Organic Garden’s new “Free Grow” initiative, which hopes to inspire healthy eating this spring.

Free Grow
You can show your support for the Bowdoin Organic Garden by purchasing one of these fun stickers for just $6.99

In a statement on the BOG’s Facebook page, the group expressed its desire to give students the opportunity to “feel clean and healthy at any point during the day.” The new initiative is the beginning of a multi-step plan to bring healthy eating to all students, no matter where they are on campus. “We hope to be finished by 2020,” the post continued, “at which point every bathroom on campus will have a small, self-sustaining, aquaponic garden.”

The Garden received funding from BSG’s Good Ideas Fund, despite every committee member identifying as strict carnivores. “We really know very little about vegetables,” said one member, “but, as allies, we’re really excited to plant spinach in bathrooms.”

All, Maine

Infant Child of Single Mother Lacks Object Permanence, Dad

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 28, 2017

A psychological examination confirmed today that the infant child of single mother Martha Gether lacks both object permanence and a father.

“Our research has shown,” said one of the psychologists working on the case study, “that the child in question has neither the ability to remember the presence of objects when they are not visible, nor a father.” The study involved many hours of testing and recording the baby’s responses to different stimuli, and many nights spent waiting to see if his father would ever come home.

Ethics officials called the study, “unnecessary,” noting that children do not typically develop object permanence until about eight or nine months, and that the mother is very active on both Match.com and Tinder.

All, Bowdoin

Student Leaves Canada Goose Jacket in Ladd, Will Settle for Barbour

By JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 27, 2017

First-year Emma Johnson, who left her Canada Goose jacket in Ladd last Friday night, has announced that she will now be forced settle for her Barbour.

“My mom is going to kill me when she finds out I lost my Canada Goose,” Johnson said. “She wouldn’t want me to be seen wearing a Barbour.”

Johnson realized her Canada Goose was missing when she walked through Super Snacks and not even one person complimented her on her wealth. She is taking solace in the fact that her Barbour also goes well with her Martha’s Vineyard sweatshirt and yoga pants.

 

All, U.S.

Paul Ryan to Replace Obamacare with Bag of Miscellaneous Pills Found Behind Arby’s

By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 23, 2017

WASHINGTON — After last minute changes made by House Speaker Paul Ryal to appease the House Freedom Caucus, the American Health Care Act—the GOP’s replacement for the Affordable Care Act—will now simply be a plastic bag filled with miscellaneous pills that Ryan found behind an Arby’s franchise.

Paul Ryan to Replace“We are finally providing Americans with the health care they want,” Ryan said. “Unlike Obamacare, the American Health Care Act offers choice. Do I want to take the big white pill today, or the little blue one? Should I take both? How many of these pills are suppositories? These are the kinds of decisions that Americans will now have the freedom to make everyday thanks to this bill.”

The Congressional Budget Office will not have time to provide a full analysis of the revised AHCA before the House votes on it tomorrow, upsetting many on the left. “Republicans are trying to sneak their bill through the House before the CBO releases a report because they know they’ll get an abysmal score,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “We don’t even know how many pills are in that bag, let alone what they do, and Paul Ryan is expecting us to just trust him when he tells us they give a good buzz? We need the facts.”

Analysts predict that the AHCA will have a largely negative impact on older, low-income whites, many of whom voted for President Trump. Trump acknowledged the financial strain the bill would have on his supporters and promised to include a provision that would allocate more “fun yellow ones” to his base.

All, Maine

Sausage Industry Overwhelmingly Male

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Mar. 9, 2017

A recent poll has found that 9 out of 10 employees at any given sausage company are male.

“This is just ridiculous,” said Oscar Mayer, a spokesperson for the sausage industry. “In all my years working in the bratwurst biz, I have noticed slightly more men than women, but these numbers are shocking. Women, in my experience are definitely more adept at handling sausage.

In an effort to pursue equal employment, Oscar Mayer has announced that all sausage plants will now start producing muffins.

All, U.S.

Trump to Expand Military by $54 Billion, Has Big Dick

By JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 8, 2017

WASHINGTON – Earlier this week President Trump announced his plans to expand the United States Military budget by $54 billion and also that he has a large penis.

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                                “[…] give or take a few inches.”
Many White House Press Corps reporters asked Press Secretary Sean Spicer why Mr. Trump devoted over six minutes to discussing his “colossal cock” in his statement. “The President is committed to national security. That is why the administration is committing $54 billion to the military,” Mr. Spicer said. “Also, the President has a gargantuan package. I’ve seen it. It’s very, very big. Trust me.”

During his statement, the President kept his hands out of view from reporters.

All, Bowdoin

Old-Fashioned Lax Bro Asks Girl’s Parents For Their Blessing Before Totally Plowing Her

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Mar. 6, 2017

Local lax bro Chad Spencer, who considers himself to be an old-fashioned gentleman, asked first year Rebecca Young’s parents for their blessing on Saturday night before absolutely nailing her.

old-fashioned-lax-bro
“You always got to get her parents’ permission before making a deposit to her meat wallet,” stated Spencer

“She took me back to her room and I kind of had a feeling that I was about to crush some major puss,” commented Spencer, “so I just shot a quick text to her ‘rents asking for their blessing before I boned her. They were like, ‘Sure,’ and I was like, ‘Dope.’”

Sources have reported that Spencer sent several texts to his “boys” later that night, letting them know he was “boutta get BALLS DEEP [sic].”

Young’s parents were unavailable for comment, but multiple sources say that Spencer was seen the next day wearing his celebratory Vineyard Vines button down and backwards hat, indicating that he did, in fact, lay the pipe.