Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

All, Maine

Following Super Bowl, Patriots Fan Realizes Life Still Devoid of Meaning

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Feb. 20, 2017

After the historic comeback in Super Bowl 51, New England super-fan and Boston native Brian O’Flanagan says the high of victory has worn off and has realized that human life is still inherently meaningless.

“I was super pumped when the Pats won the Super Bowl,” said O’Flanagan. “But now I’m back to spending my time grappling with mortality and pondering the insignificance of human life. We’re all just so small in a universe that’s so, so big.”

 
O’Flanagan said that directly after the Super Bowl, all he could think about was Edelman’s catch and Tom Brady’s piercing baby blue eyes, but recently has been unable to do anything but face the inescapable loneliness and alienation he feels are intrinsic to the human condition.

Bowdoin

ISIS Claims Credit for Bombing of First Midterm

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 18, 2017

International terrorist organization ISIS has claimed credit for the bombing of the first Physics 1130 midterm.

“I have never ever seen carnage like that in my entire life,” said one student from the class. “My ears were ringing for hours afterwards and I can’t even begin to try to focus,” said another.

The terrorist group took credit for the bombing immediately after the incident via social media. One tweet read, “We are proud of our brother’s successful mission in Brunswick, even though we did not know where Maine was until today. Jihad must be waged everywhere, even in the cold.”

ISIS members were elated to learn of another bombing opportunity after they noticed the syllabus listed finals in May.

All, Bowdoin

Admissions to Limit Number of Emmas and Sams to 200

By RODGER HEIDGERKEN Feb. 17, 2017

In an attempt to diversify the Bowdoin community, admissions has announced that it will be not be admitting more than 200 students named Emma or Sam to the class of 2021.

Recent statistics taken by the Admissions Office show that approximately 64% of the enrolled class of 2020 is named either Sam or Emma.

screen-shot-2017-02-17-at-11-33-33-am

“This is just the beginning of our fight against excessive homogeneity in names,” stated an admissions officer after wait-listing an applicant named Sam Barry. “We were even considering putting a cap on Connors, Jacks, Carolines, Charlottes, and Sarahs, but we still need athletes.”

The absence of anyone from the Admissions Office named Sam or Emma has lead some students to suspect an incident of bias.

All, Bowdoin

A Capella Groups to Stop Singing to Focus on Arm-Swinging

By SAM HALPERT Feb. 16, 2017

All 97 Bowdoin a capella groups are reportedly switching focus from ruining classic songs with their mouths to choreographing the rhythmic and tasteful arm movements necessary to compensate for a lack of instruments.

 

A capella connoisseur Steven Jackson noted, “While the singing is certainly a nice touch, it often distracts from the immersive experience that well-executed arm swinging and tastefully assembled J-Crew outfits provide.”

 

When asked for comment, head spokesman for Bowdoin a capella Amanda Roberts remarked, “Shoo wop, doo doo doooo wop, shimmy now yeah yeah yeaaaaah, shoobee doobee doo.”

All, World

Netanyahu: “The Two-State Solution Would Simply Make Israel too Hard to Draw”

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 11, 2017

In a press conference last week, Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu made clear his opposition to a two-state solution, claiming that it would “simply make Israel too hard to draw.”

Netanyahu’s lack of artistic ability has long been in the national spotlight, but few believe that it has marred his otherwise spotless political record. His statement comes on the heels of continued violence against Palestinians living on the border. Despite international pressure, Netanyahu seemingly can’t stay within the lines.

netanyahu-map
Netanyahu’s personal map of the Middle East.

When asked about the United States’ stance on the issue, President Trump’s nominee for ambassador to Israel David Friedman commented, “Bibi’s always been a little artistically challenged. Once I walked into his office and saw that he’d crudely scribbled, ‘ISRAEL’ in crayon over his whole map of the Middle East.” Friedman added that the U.S., though it “supports Netanyahu, would not pay for art lessons of any kind.”

All, U.S.

President Trump Signs Anti-Abortion Bill Surrounded by Jellyfish

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 10, 2017

Donald Trump was photographed this Monday signing an executive order banning federal funding to pro-abortion programs as he sat in the oval office surrounded by jellyfish.

president-trump-signs

Trump was making good on one of his most fundamental campaign promises, but some argued the presence of spineless diplomats undermined his decision. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), who has repeatedly pushed back against Trump’s policies, argued that the jellyfish who assisted in drafting the order were, “brainless, naturally.”

“These jellyfish have no right to make decisions about a woman’s body,” the senator continued pointedly. “It’s almost as if he were surrounded by men.”

All, World

Trump to Move South African Embassy to 1992

By SANDRO COCITO Feb. 9, 2017

WASHINGTON – In a controversial move this week, Donald Trump has pledged to move the US embassy in Johannesburg to the year 1992.

Mr. Trump was overheard referring to the year as a time “before it all went wrong, if you ask me.” After a few hours of deliberation and fine tuning procedural measures, the deal was quickly agreed to by former Apartheid president F.W. de Klerk. Mr. Trump has pledged he will work with Mr. de Klerk to deal with “outside agitators like that Mandela guy.”

Interestingly, Trump also announced that his pick to lead the American diplomatic mission to Israel, David Friedman, would also serve as ambassador to South Africa circa 1992.

All, Maine

Family Pacing Outside ICU at Least Getting Their Steps In

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 8, 2017

Local man Christopher Johnston was rushed to the intensive care unit at Mid Coast Hospital last night after suffering a severe heart attack. Members of his family are nervously pacing outside his room while waiting for updates on his condition, but are finding comfort in the fact that they are at least getting their steps in.

“I’m so worried about Chris that I just can’t sit still,” said Johnston’s wife, Judy. “On the plus side though, I’ve already passed my 10,000-step fitbit goal. My calves are going to look amazing, which is my only solace in this distressing time.”

Stephen, Johnston’s son, wishes he had spent more time with his father before the heart attack. “I should have tried to bond more with dad,” he said while jogging in place. “We could have gone on walks around the neighborhood and really gotten to know each other. I just hope the stairway to heaven has at least 10,000 steps.”

Doctors say that Johnston likely won’t live through the night, dying just 300 steps short of 10,000.

 

All, U.S.

DeVos Confirmation Vote Postponed After Grizzly Bear Attacks Senate

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 7, 2017

Just hours before the vote to confirm Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education on Tuesday, the Senate was evacuated after a grizzly bear tore through the Capitol Building.

Senate Debates Department of Homeland Security Appropriations Act

Nobody seems to be sure the origin of the rogue bear, but the timing of the incident has led many to speculate that the salmon-eating animal was very up to date on his politics, and most likely aligned himself with the Democratic Party. Additionally, Senator Catherine Cortez Masto (D-NV) noted, “it seemed to go right for Mitch [McConnell]. It politely asked the guards if it could pose a question to the floor, and after sauntering past 14 rows of senators, jumped straight up to the podium as he was speaking.”

But McConnell was left unscathed — instead of attacking his body, the massive creature stood on its hind legs and attacked the senator’s stance on pressing political issues. “I’m ashamed to call you my senate majority leader,” said the bear. “Your lack of integrity in addressing the failures of this nascent political regime does nothing for the American people, only for yourself.”

In response to the whole incident, DeVos had this to say: “While I have always vouched for guns in public buildings to defend from this exact kind of violence, seeing this attack may have changed my position. After witnessing the ferocity of that bear as it went straight for Senator McConnell, I think the only logical defense against a grizzly is, well, more grizzlies.”

All, Op-Ed

Guest Blog: I Have Never Seen My Own Penis

By RICHARD DICKSON Feb. 6, 2017

I wanted to write about something that has always been very hard for me to talk about. Whenever I bring it up, I get laughed at. Tormented. Prodded with wooden spoons. No one seems to get it, but I’m telling you all because I hope someone understands.

I have never seen my own penis.

I know, you’re probably already chuckling, but it’s the truth. I’ve never come face-to-head with my schlong. I think it’s there — I pee four times a day and have 2 beautiful children — I just haven’t seen it for myself.

No, this isn’t a weight issue. I’m definitely on the skinnier side, and I hit the gym every day. Maybe I just haven’t looked down enough? Other people have seen it, and even said that it’s the average length and girth, but I have yet to catch a glimpse of my own skin flute.

1
                            Maybe I left it in my other pair of pants?

What’s the next step? What do you think I should do? Maybe I haven’t been tried hard enough? Should I ask someone to take a picture of my one-eyed-snake? Or have I been lied to, and I don’t really have a pork sword of my own? It sounds crazy coming from a grown man, but I’d really love to see my giggle stick, even just once.

Thank you all for reading. I hope that this article helps end the stigma against men unable to examine their own meat scepters. Maybe this is the first step. Maybe you all will finally come to accept, even celebrate, that I may never get to see my own bologna pony.

Signed,

A Possibly Phallus-less Fellow