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Students Sign Up for PEN15 Club at Activities Fair

By JACOB BASKES Sept. 12, 2018

Excited first-years and seniors scrambling for resume builders flocked to Smith Union last night to tour the hectic maze of student groups fighting to attract new members. Among those groups was Bowdoin’s newly chartered PEN15 Club, which amassed an email list of three hundred and twelve students and signed the club name in Sharpie on each of those students’ hands. Continue reading “Students Sign Up for PEN15 Club at Activities Fair” →

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Judicial Board: “J-Board Gets its Legitimacy from God”

By JACK ARNHOLZ Sept. 11, 2018

Editors’ Note: Sept. 13, 2018

The Chair and Vice Chair of the J-Board asked us to remove their names from this article satirizing the Board, claiming it defamed their character. This assault on the integrity of the J-Board was so severe that they removed every copy of the Harpoon from Smith Union and HL. We decided to take them as seriously as they take themselves and removed their names.

In a recent interview with the Bowdoin Harpoon, Judicial Board President Lakeanna Polk claimed that the “J-Board gets its legitimacy from God.” Continue reading “Judicial Board: “J-Board Gets its Legitimacy from God”” →

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Technologically Incompetent Senator Sends Women Unsolicited Pictures of Locally Sourced Produce

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sept. 5, 2018

Maine State Senator Beau Tumtouchér was revealed this week to have mailed many women in the phonebook unsolicited pictures of locally sourced produce. The women’s response to these dubious actions has been mixed, due in part to Senator Tumtouchér’s constant support of local farmers and his public persona as a class-A perv. Continue reading “Technologically Incompetent Senator Sends Women Unsolicited Pictures of Locally Sourced Produce” →

All, Maine

Moose With Wig Crowned Miss Maine

By ARCHER THOMAS Sept. 3, 2018

The pageant world was rocked by scandal last week as it was revealed that the 2018 winner of the Miss Maine Beauty Pageant was actually just a moose with a blond wig draped over its antlers.

The moose, who entered the competition as “Anita Saltlick,” charmed the judges with her cud-chewing abilities and her ungraceful but earnest solo dance routine to Britney Spears’ hit “Toxic.” When asked about her dream for the future, Ms. Saltlick simply released a loud and guttural groan. The judges agreed that this was a better answer than “world peace.”

However, as the gorgeous moose was about to be crowned winner of the pageant, a jealous runner-up snatched the wig off of her large and lumbering head. When exposed, Anita bolted, trampling three competitors and triggering an explosion of violence exacerbated by the messy floorplan of the converted synagogue used as the venue.

Jack Tiburon, chair of the Miss Maine organization, released a statement denying rumors that Ms. Saltlick would be deprived of her title. “Frankly, this moose has more talent and beauty than most competitors this day and age. Her humility and quick wit is a model to all.”

Other competitors disagreed with Mr. Tiburon’s decision. “Just because she’s beautiful does not mean she should keep the crown,” said fifth alternate Mary St. James, a woman who was literally deemed less attractive than a moose. “This whole situation reminds me of Miss Maine 2013, when a conniving rabbit tricked the judges into trading the winner’s prize for magic beans.”

Neither Anita Saltlick nor any other members of the moose community could be contacted for comment. It appears she has receded back into the woods from whence she came, depriving us of her startling beauty.

All, Bowdoin

Students Wear Hard Hats to Roux Center Classes

By JACOB BASKES Aug. 30, 2018

Students attended their first classes of the year on Wednesday, marking the beginning of the 2018-2019 academic season and the long-awaited opening of Bowdoin’s Roux Center for the Environment. Despite setbacks in construction, the Center was opened just in time, although students are required to don hard hats and safety vests in order to protect themselves from falling pipes, scaffolding debris, and the small cranes still establishing the building’s outer shell. Continue reading “Students Wear Hard Hats to Roux Center Classes” →