By SARA BARONSKY Sep. 26, 2017

The U.S. News and World Report knows that the college experience can’t be measured by a series of data points. So this year, we’ve ditched all the complicated formulas and charts to get to academia’s true essence. This year, the “Best National Liberal Arts Colleges of 2018” is just a straight up alphabetical list. Hopefully, this shake-up holds our readers’ attention just long enough to remind them that we publish more than annual college rankings!

Best National Liberal Arts Colleges

1. Amherst College
2. Bard College
3. Barnard College
4. Bates College
5. Bowdoin College
6. Bryn Mawr College
7. Bucknell University
8. Carleton College
9. Centre College
10. Claremont McKenna College​

Our Formula

To calculate our rankings, U.S. News gathered data from each college on 15 diverse indicators of academic excellence, such as graduation rates, faculty information and admissions statistics.

Then, we threw it all away, and looked only how each college’s name is spelled. But don’t get too hung up on that; remember, we rank a ton of other stuff, too! Like law firms! And diets!

How the Methodology Works

Schools whose names begin with “A” were given higher rankings than schools whose names began with “B,” “C,” or even “D.”  Once we had thoroughly weighed and compared first letters, we moved on to the second letters, rigorously assessing how early in the alphabet each letter appeared. By the way, why don’t you check out our Opinions section? There’s an article called “Why We Need to Talk More Openly About Suicide.” That seems interesting, right?

Sorry, Williams

Please keep in mind that this ranking should not be your only criterion when making a college decision. After you factor in campus feel, academic rigor, and financial aid, you may find that Grinnell is a better fit for you than Barnard. While you’re at it, you may also want to check out our news section! We’ve got lots of articles about Trump!

Is our methodology slightly different from last year? Yes. Are our rankings still the same objective indicators of something about colleges? Again, yes. Are we actively changing the criteria to get people talking about us? Absolutely.

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 24, 2017

Republicans in the North Carolina state legislature called a special session yesterday to redraw the state’s 19^th congressional district to include Ft. Bragg, Spring Lake, and Moscow, Russia. Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake were both formerly a part of the state’s 21^st district while Moscow was previously a part of the Russian Federation.

Gerrymandering, the practice of strategically redrawing voting districts with the voting tendencies of constituent peoples in mind, has long been criticized as a way for incumbents to choose their voters with the aim of preserving political power. Many critics pointed out that Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake both lean Democrat, with Hillary Clinton picking up 51% and 53% of the vote respectively in the 2016 General Election. Moscow elected Vladimir Putin in the last election with 103% of the vote. Boris Nemtsov, an opposition candidate, was subsequently murdered in February of 2015.

Critics of the new redistricting plan are also up in arms about ballot integrity. Proponents of the new plan, however, point to the KGB’s offer to “secure the voting process” as a sufficient measure to protect against any sort of voter fraud. Steve Bannon has also personally volunteered to count the votes with the tentacles that exist where his hands should be.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 22, 2017

The 90s were a glorious time of consistent economic growth, great young adult literature, and flawless animated television. Times were simpler. Children played outside and drank from the hose instead of playing on their iPhones while sipping Kombucha. Now, all the children of this Golden Generation are saddled with unprecedented levels of college debt.

Only 90s kids will remember planning their whole life playing MASH and failing to predict the rising price of college that would cause them to take on soul crushing debt.

Only 90s kids will remember buying books from the scholastic books fair handout instead of saving to pay the interest on student loans.

Only 90s kids will remember using a paper fortune teller to pick their spouse, who they had no idea would be kidnapped from what they thought was their home in the dead of night when Jimmy Nugs the loan shark came to collect.

Only 90s kids will remember how cool Heelys were and wish they had them now to escape from debtors’ prison.

Only 90s kids will remember wanting more than anything to be slimed on a Nickelodeon program, but now just want a home, or at least a clean cell.

By SUMMERS ASKEW Sep. 15, 2017

Hurricane Taylor, a storm sourced from a young girl who’s had her heart broken one too many times, is currently on course to hit rock bottom this fall.

“We just don’t know what to do,” said local listener Chad Michael. “Everything was so pleasant – so innocent – so tolerable – and now this? What did we do to deserve this?”

As the storm approaches, stores around the country are selling out of supplies needed to survive the natural disaster. Local business owner Michael Murray has noticed that Lorde’s Melodrama and Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. have been especially popular. “At this point people will stock up on anything. Even the Julia and Julia soundtrack is sold out.”

The storm is forecasted to affect half the nation, with Florida receiving the most serious blows. Taylor Swift’s new album reputation will be released on November 10, 2017.

By SANDRO COCITO Sep. 13, 2017

Former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz caused quite a stir Monday night when he favorited a pornographic tweet from his public Twitter account. This came as a surprise to many, as most people thought Cruz, 46, was exclusively aroused by 19th century furniture.

When asked for comment, Cruz stated he “had to do it” since he “had never seen the glorious miracle of creation before.”

“It was such a pure, beautiful, intimately human moment. I just had to share it,” he added, while glancing over to the bukake playing on an iPad next to him.

When pressed about his two daughters, Cruz waved his hands in exasperation, stating, “that whole thing” was “besides the point.” He went on to say that he has “learned that there is only one Reality King: Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

He provided no further comment.