By CHRISTIAN FILTER Nov. 2, 2017

Last weekend, many parents travelled to Bowdoin to visit their son or daughter. One such student, first-year Sarah Griffith, reported that after a pleasant Friday of showing her parents around the quad, going to dinner at Frontier, and even spending a little time at a College House party, she was sexiled by her parents late Friday night.

“I came back to my dorm to find a sock on my door,” Griffith said. “At first, I thought it was my roommate, but then I checked my phone and saw I had a text from my mom saying, ‘We need the room.’ I have washed my sheets everyday since then, but I still don’t like sleeping in them.”

“We had a really nice time visiting Sarah,” commented Mrs. Griffith. “We felt a little bad for sexiling her, but, hey, we had to relive our college days. Also, we’ve been fucking nonstop since she left for college so I guess it’s just a force of habit, you know?”

Sources say that Griffith’s parents were not planning on sexiling her, but after having a few Natty Lights and hearing “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly in a sweaty College House basement, there was nothing that could stop them.

By SHONA ORTIZ Nov. 1, 2017

Beloved first year Jamie Sullivan was found dead Tuesday night after failing to send a Halloween chain text to 10 of her closest friends.

While studying in Smith Union on Monday, Sullivan received the message from a classmate urging her to forward it along to her friends or face the consequences. Witnesses say she opened it, but then immediately dismissed it as “something that’s like, so totally fifth grade” and failed to forward it. However, less than 24 hours later, Sullivan’s body was found by a jogger at Farley Field surrounded by mini packs of Skittles and with a Jack-o-Lantern on her head. An anonymous note left at the scene of the crime read “Trick or treat, bitch.”

In response, Randy Nichols advises students to take extra precautions this upcoming holiday season. “I would recommend forwarding messages to at least twenty friends for upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas. And don’t let your guard down Veterans’ Day either. Keep your phone on max volume and vibrate if you really want to be safe.”

When asked for comment, the student who forwarded Sullivan the text, Jessa Gallagher, replied, “I always forward chain texts just to be safe. And I mean, it said ‘Or else.’ It did warn her. That was a chance I didn’t feel comfortable taking. Clearly I was right. And Jamie was the spookiest slut I know.”

By JACK ARNHOLZ Oct. 31, 2017

BRUNSWICK – As the Brunswick Blackout worsens, Thorne’s food supply has reportedly been depleted. Entering day two of the crisis, many students say they cannot find any vegan desserts in the dining hall.

“I live for Sin City,” said Junior Nancy Goldstein. “When Dining announced it was all eaten, I took a deep breath and headed to the Specials Fridge. When I got there, however, there was only Jello left. You know, they make Jello out of horses.”

While the Harpoon cannot confirm that Jello is made from horses, Goldstein and other Bowdoin Outing Club members protested the lack of vegan desserts by singing a rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” in front of the dining Hall.

“I think it went well,” said Senior Vince Schwalb, who provided piano accompaniment. “We’re in dire straits, you see. Everyone loves Journey. People love Journey almost as much as we love vegan desserts. Also, everyone really loved our performance. We received rousing applause from all our friends, and when I told my mom about it on the phone, she said it sounded nice.”

Thorne Hall’s spokesperson told the Harpoon that Dining apologizes for the lack of vegan desserts; however, they said, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’d like to see Moulton do this.”

By DANIEL RALSTON Oct. 29, 2017

In a recent development, Bowdoin IT has blocked all online pornography sites. “All these different fetishes have just gotten really annoying,” says Bowdoin IT Director Fukan Richard. “I couldn’t keep up; first it was foot fetishes, now we’ve started seeing searches for polar bears dominating mules. I just had to block it all, otherwise it would have consumed me.”

This move has not been popular with the student body. At first, faculty noticed that male students seemed to be carrying Milky Way bars in their pockets.  A few days later, irritability, tenseness, and fidgetiness ensued. “One dude was fishing around in his pocket for at least an hour during a gender studies class,” one student observed.

“Look, I’m not twelve, I’m not gonna just wack off to my own thoughts,” said disgruntled sophomore Brian Kallens. “This is a serious crisis for all men, and I guess women too, although I have no fucking idea how they even do that.” Many students have been pitching tents outside of the President’s office in protest.

Still, the move has been welcomed by the Bowdoin Art Museum, which is planning on having a new exhibit on Historic European Erotic Painters. “What a great time to put to use those single person non-binary bathrooms!” said one curator. 

By ELIZA JEVON Oct. 25, 2017

In response to the BSG’s “We Do Not Tolerate Hate” posters, Bowdoin Equality Officers recently put up posters with the phrase, “We Do Not Tolerate Love” in order to promote campus wide inclusivity. Bowdoin Equality Officers report that the token campus goths and emos not only felt neglected, but personally attacked by the original posters.

One campus goth who wished to remain unnamed commented, “Love is possibly one of the most hurtful and inexcusable inventions on the planet. Do you know how many people have died for love?”

When asked about the explicit bias incident to which the posters responded, he said, “what society refuses to acknowledge is the bias of prolific love graffiti in bathroom stalls. Why must ‘AB’ and ‘ES’ – grotesquely encircled by a heart – be allowed to profess their love on every public surface? They stab their eternal love into me like a pitchfork into hay.”

Another goth agreed. “The sexual innuendos in bathrooms burn my soul,” he said with quiet intensity, “I don’t even pee in bathrooms anymore…the Commons wilderness is more accommodating.”

Yet some Equality Officers say that their efforts have not gone far enough. “What about the people who don’t care about anything?” one spokesman demanded. “The apathetic and nihilistic have voices too!” Reports indicate the officers are immediately printing and displaying “We do Not Tolerate Any Kind of Emotion” posters to address the issue. The posters should be up later this week.

A rally for like, things in general, will be held next Sunday. Event organizers predict an emotional roller coaster.

By ARJUN MEHTA Oct. 23, 2017

To the dismay of students, Dining Services announced today that guacamole will now cost an extra meal swipe at Thorne.

Guacamole, colloquially shortened to “guac,” is a popular Mexican condiment that was smuggled over the wall decades ago by curious San Diegans. Now served in homes and restaurants across the United States, guacamole is an all-American favorite made from mashed avocado (those big green berries with pits), onion, and exotic spices.

Some students speculate that the decision stems from the uniquely laborious and expensive avocado mashing process employed by Dining Services. To ensure that each serving of guac is mashed to perfection, student employees empty crates of peeled and pitted avocados into industrial-size bathtubs. After removing their shoes, these dedicated workers stomp on the guac-to-be, letting the mush curl between their toes until it reaches the desired texture. Food critics call this texture, “mouth feel.

Initial reports indicate that the extra meal swipe is absolutely not worth the lackluster, anticlimactic mouth feel the guac has to offer.