By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 12, 2017

The Bowdoin eBoard has announced that an iPod Nano with an 11-song A$AP Ferg playlist will be the headliner at Ivies

“We had some last minute cuts to the budget, so we thought this would be the next best thing,” said one eBoard member. “We are also really excited to all change our Facebook profile pictures to photos of us holding the iPod.”

“We are incredibly grateful to the middle school raffle that brought us this wonderful performer,” said the eBoard president.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 10, 2017

Amidst an increase in applications for financial aid, the Student Aid Office has begun advising students to “just sue somebody.”

“We want to make sure that students are aware of all the options available to them,” said one Student Aid employee. “There’s just all kinds of opportunities to sue somebody for thousands. Getting hit by a car, having a botched kidney transplant, getting discriminated against by an employer. The possibilities are endless.”

“A man had a heart attack next to me on a plane, and now Delta Airlines is paying for my tuition,” said one student. “They also gave me two years of free plane tickets, which was really exciting until I realized they were all Delta”.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 8, 2017

The Bowdoin Office of Admissions announced this week that they accepted 13.4% of applicants to the Class of 2021 – the lowest acceptance rate on record. The self-acceptance rate, however, has fallen even lower.

“I was so excited to brag about the 13.4% acceptance rate to my friends at home,” said Jared Adler ’19. “But, I still feel a cold emptiness inside me. Sometimes I drive by myself to Harpswell and blast Alanis Morissette. Do you want to read some of my poetry?”

Peter Madden, director of Admissions, when asked if he was worried about the low self-acceptance rate, responded, “Of course not. How would we get the word out about the low college acceptance rate if we had kids with high-self esteem?”

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 7, 2017

Freshman Clay Symington has been playing his ukulele in the hallway to let the women of his dorm know that he is not like the other boys.

“I just want girls here to know that not all boys are the same,” said Symington as he gently played a Ben Folds melody. “Some of us are really sensitive and like talking about our feelings and cuddling and other gay shit.”

“I knew Clay was different when I heard him playing a 21 Pilots song out in the hallway,” said one girl on his floor. “Most guys just want sex, but Clay is a musician who has feelings,” said another.

“I just love my ukulele and hope that someday I will find my uku-lady,” said Symington as he ever so softly caressed the strings of his ukulele with just the tips of his delicate musician’s fingers.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 6, 2017

Bowdoin has announced plans to renovate historic Whittier Field. President Rose revealed Monday that the college will fund the renovations by taking money from the Women’s Resource Center.

“Football is deeply entrenched in Bowdoin’s history. We’ve won so many trophies, I can’t even remember the last one we won,” said President Rose. “The $8 million price tag was a bit daunting, but we found some money lying around in a fund set aside for something called the ‘Women’s Resource Center.’”

Violet Morrison, Director of the Women’s Resource Center, said she was disappointed about losing her entire budget to the football team, but she understood the importance of the project. “I do recognize the need for it. Usually when someone brings a problem to us, it is, more often than not, about football fields,” said Morrison

The College has also decided to convert the Counseling Center into a sauna for the players.

By SAM HALPERT Mar. 30, 2017

Sources confirmed that the one fucker who just won’t stop talking even though everyone in the class wants Him to recently looked in the mirror to see none other than the Son of God.

The self-righteous prick reportedly feigned surprise before accepting that He was, in fact, sent by God to bless your class with the Truth. As of Sunday night, The King of Kings had reportedly decided to communicate the Truth in the form of regular interruptions, tangential remarks disguised as questions, and outright infuriating comments during open class discussions. The Good Shepherd acknowledged that His journey would not be easy and that He would need to open the eyes of His blind classmates who were not blessed with His same superior intellect and acute awareness of the world.

The Son of Man noted that He did not choose this path of righteousness, but would answer His calling to preach regardless. The Prince of Peace gazed longingly into the distance, presumably imaging a world in which the professor would no longer cut Him off during his elocutions.

Sources confirmed that the class is currently rolling their eyes in anticipation of the Messiah’s next comment.

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 29, 2017

Bathrooms across campus have been stocked with fresh, leafy greens as part of Bowdoin Organic Garden’s new “Free Grow” initiative, which hopes to inspire healthy eating this spring.

In a statement on the BOG’s Facebook page, the group expressed its desire to give students the opportunity to “feel clean and healthy at any point during the day.” The new initiative is the beginning of a multi-step plan to bring healthy eating to all students, no matter where they are on campus. “We hope to be finished by 2020,” the post continued, “at which point every bathroom on campus will have a small, self-sustaining, aquaponic garden.”

The Garden received funding from BSG’s Good Ideas Fund, despite every committee member identifying as strict carnivores. “We really know very little about vegetables,” said one member, “but, as allies, we’re really excited to plant spinach in bathrooms.”