By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 3, 2017

Earlier this week college officials announced that, starting in the fall of 2017, the tile floors in the first-year dorm showers will be replaced with a thick layer of miscellaneous pubic hair.

“This decision came after many hours of deliberation,” said a spokesperson for the College. “The current tile floors were very expensive, and they were already covered in a heavy coat of students’ pubic hair—so this solution is both cost-effective and sustainable.”

When asked about the sturdiness of the new surfaces, officials said that there would not be a problem as the pubic hair will be held together with plenty of semen provided by both the College and first-years who haven’t yet synced their roommates’ class schedules to their masturbation schedules.

By HAILEY WOZNIAK May 1, 2017

Director of Housing Melissa Sandal announced this week that the singles lottery for the dejected and unhoused will be taking place as a randomized match-making service this year.

“We kept seeing students show up with broken hearts and nowhere to live,” said Sandal, “and I knew that the college just had to do more. I had to do more.”

Students will receive two lottery numbers: one for their place in the housing queue, and another for the singles lottery. Students with matching numbers will have the evening to mingle and choose their rooms with their depressing new friends. However, students who don’t have chemistry with their partners will have to choose from an array of chem-free, love-free singles. Res life will be providing soft drinks, vitamin D tablets, and on-site support for these poor, poor wretches.

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 29, 2017

Bowdoin hockey player and free speech activist Chadley Worthington announced today that he will be singing every word to every A$AP Ferg song performed during the Saturday Ivies concert.

“Some people at this school are trying to tell me what I can and can’t sing, and I won’t stand for it,” said Worthington. “I’m going to exercise my constitutional right to yell along to the entire song, not just part of it. And no one can criticize me because that’s in the constitution.”

“I don’t see songs in terms of ‘black’ lyrics and ‘white’ lyrics,” Worthington continued. “To me, it’s all just music. I guess I’m color deaf.”

Although he had not been asked another question, Worthington continued to justify his decision. “It’s just, I don’t believe in musical discrimination, OK? If I sing along to Small Pools then I have to sing every single individual word of every A$AP Ferg song, even if it makes a few people uncomfortable. It’s what Martin Luther King would do.”

A fellow member of the hockey team commented, “Chad uses the n-word a lot anyway, so this really won’t be that different from any other day.”

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 28, 2017

Ivies marks the first time all semester that Professor Emily Malkin can justify coming to teach her only class, Color Theory and Surrealism in Austria, belligerently intoxicated.

Throughout the semester, Professor Malkin would drive to campus from Bath while taking swigs directly from a bottle of New Amsterdam Vodka. Amazingly, she was never apprehended by law enforcement and always arrived on time for her 2:30pm class. “My greatest fear in life is getting caught,” said Professor Malkin. “My second greatest fear is talking about color theory with a blood alcohol content lower than .15%.

Her consistent intoxication hasn’t gone unnoticed by her students. “We spent an entire hour and a half last week trying to the change the topic from the color purple,” said one student. “Every time anybody said the word, ‘purple,’ Professor Malkin would start to weep uncontrollably.”

This week, however, Professor Malkin and her students will be equally intoxicated.

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 23, 2017

Classfinder (BETA) has rolled out on the Polaris website, and among many other brand-new features, it includes an “Easy-A” filter.

The new program was introduced just in time for course registration for Fall 2017, and students have praised its improvement over the previous version. “I never knew what was available to me,” said one junior. “I have extremely low motivation, and the new ‘Easy-A’ filter shows me exactly what classes I can take without having to exert myself in the slightest.”

Through the first round of registration, classes like History of Jazz and Any Sociology Course have seen a record number of requests, while certain higher-level courses have yet to be requested once.

Probable additions in the next Classfinder update include a professor beauty rating and a service that tells users what courses their ex has requested.

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Apr. 18, 2017

Cross country runner Tyler Swift ‘18 recently participated in a voluntary discussion on race in Morell Gymnasium, placing third.

“I just got right in there; I made the necessary preparations,” Swift said. “I studied Jesse Owens extensively. It’s really great to see the hard work you put in pay off when it really counts. I was free, I was loose, and I was able to stay in it for the long haul. I had to pace myself a few times, I almost brought up slavery in the first two minutes, but thankfully I stuck in there.”

Swift wasn’t always so adept at having racially charged conversations, though. “I remember the first time I talked about race,” he recalled. “I walked in with my Jordans and my Canada Goose Jacket; I had no idea how underprepared I was. One person mentioned Beloved and I thought they were hitting on me. I was so embarrassed with my performance, I faked a pulled hamstring just to get out of there.”

Tyler narrowly lost to a very woke sophomore from New York and an actual person of color, who wandered into the Gym looking for the bathroom.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 12, 2017

The Bowdoin eBoard has announced that an iPod Nano with an 11-song A$AP Ferg playlist will be the headliner at Ivies

“We had some last minute cuts to the budget, so we thought this would be the next best thing,” said one eBoard member. “We are also really excited to all change our Facebook profile pictures to photos of us holding the iPod.”

“We are incredibly grateful to the middle school raffle that brought us this wonderful performer,” said the eBoard president.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 10, 2017

Amidst an increase in applications for financial aid, the Student Aid Office has begun advising students to “just sue somebody.”

“We want to make sure that students are aware of all the options available to them,” said one Student Aid employee. “There’s just all kinds of opportunities to sue somebody for thousands. Getting hit by a car, having a botched kidney transplant, getting discriminated against by an employer. The possibilities are endless.”

“A man had a heart attack next to me on a plane, and now Delta Airlines is paying for my tuition,” said one student. “They also gave me two years of free plane tickets, which was really exciting until I realized they were all Delta”.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 8, 2017

The Bowdoin Office of Admissions announced this week that they accepted 13.4% of applicants to the Class of 2021 – the lowest acceptance rate on record. The self-acceptance rate, however, has fallen even lower.

“I was so excited to brag about the 13.4% acceptance rate to my friends at home,” said Jared Adler ’19. “But, I still feel a cold emptiness inside me. Sometimes I drive by myself to Harpswell and blast Alanis Morissette. Do you want to read some of my poetry?”

Peter Madden, director of Admissions, when asked if he was worried about the low self-acceptance rate, responded, “Of course not. How would we get the word out about the low college acceptance rate if we had kids with high-self esteem?”