By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 7, 2017

Freshman Clay Symington has been playing his ukulele in the hallway to let the women of his dorm know that he is not like the other boys.

“I just want girls here to know that not all boys are the same,” said Symington as he gently played a Ben Folds melody. “Some of us are really sensitive and like talking about our feelings and cuddling and other gay shit.”

“I knew Clay was different when I heard him playing a 21 Pilots song out in the hallway,” said one girl on his floor. “Most guys just want sex, but Clay is a musician who has feelings,” said another.

“I just love my ukulele and hope that someday I will find my uku-lady,” said Symington as he ever so softly caressed the strings of his ukulele with just the tips of his delicate musician’s fingers.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 6, 2017

Bowdoin has announced plans to renovate historic Whittier Field. President Rose revealed Monday that the college will fund the renovations by taking money from the Women’s Resource Center.

“Football is deeply entrenched in Bowdoin’s history. We’ve won so many trophies, I can’t even remember the last one we won,” said President Rose. “The $8 million price tag was a bit daunting, but we found some money lying around in a fund set aside for something called the ‘Women’s Resource Center.’”

Violet Morrison, Director of the Women’s Resource Center, said she was disappointed about losing her entire budget to the football team, but she understood the importance of the project. “I do recognize the need for it. Usually when someone brings a problem to us, it is, more often than not, about football fields,” said Morrison

The College has also decided to convert the Counseling Center into a sauna for the players.

By SAM HALPERT Mar. 30, 2017

Sources confirmed that the one fucker who just won’t stop talking even though everyone in the class wants Him to recently looked in the mirror to see none other than the Son of God.

The self-righteous prick reportedly feigned surprise before accepting that He was, in fact, sent by God to bless your class with the Truth. As of Sunday night, The King of Kings had reportedly decided to communicate the Truth in the form of regular interruptions, tangential remarks disguised as questions, and outright infuriating comments during open class discussions. The Good Shepherd acknowledged that His journey would not be easy and that He would need to open the eyes of His blind classmates who were not blessed with His same superior intellect and acute awareness of the world.

The Son of Man noted that He did not choose this path of righteousness, but would answer His calling to preach regardless. The Prince of Peace gazed longingly into the distance, presumably imaging a world in which the professor would no longer cut Him off during his elocutions.

Sources confirmed that the class is currently rolling their eyes in anticipation of the Messiah’s next comment.

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 29, 2017

Bathrooms across campus have been stocked with fresh, leafy greens as part of Bowdoin Organic Garden’s new “Free Grow” initiative, which hopes to inspire healthy eating this spring.

In a statement on the BOG’s Facebook page, the group expressed its desire to give students the opportunity to “feel clean and healthy at any point during the day.” The new initiative is the beginning of a multi-step plan to bring healthy eating to all students, no matter where they are on campus. “We hope to be finished by 2020,” the post continued, “at which point every bathroom on campus will have a small, self-sustaining, aquaponic garden.”

The Garden received funding from BSG’s Good Ideas Fund, despite every committee member identifying as strict carnivores. “We really know very little about vegetables,” said one member, “but, as allies, we’re really excited to plant spinach in bathrooms.”

By JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 27, 2017

First-year Emma Johnson, who left her Canada Goose jacket in Ladd last Friday night, has announced that she will now be forced settle for her Barbour.

“My mom is going to kill me when she finds out I lost my Canada Goose,” Johnson said. “She wouldn’t want me to be seen wearing a Barbour.”

Johnson realized her Canada Goose was missing when she walked through Super Snacks and not even one person complimented her on her wealth. She is taking solace in the fact that her Barbour also goes well with her Martha’s Vineyard sweatshirt and yoga pants.

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Mar. 6, 2017

Local lax bro Chad Spencer, who considers himself to be an old-fashioned gentleman, asked first year Rebecca Young’s parents for their blessing on Saturday night before absolutely nailing her.

“She took me back to her room and I kind of had a feeling that I was about to crush some major puss,” commented Spencer, “so I just shot a quick text to her ‘rents asking for their blessing before I boned her. They were like, ‘Sure,’ and I was like, ‘Dope.’”

Sources have reported that Spencer sent several texts to his “boys” later that night, letting them know he was “boutta get BALLS DEEP [sic].”

Young’s parents were unavailable for comment, but multiple sources say that Spencer was seen the next day wearing his celebratory Vineyard Vines button down and backwards hat, indicating that he did, in fact, lay the pipe.

By SUMMERS ASKEW Mar. 5, 2017

After years of close research, scientists at the New England Institute of Technology have concluded that students hosting a WBOR 91.1 FM program are literally shouting into the void.

“This makes so much sense,” said Taylor Jacobs, a senior who has hosted an experimental hip-hop-jazz-eco-feminist show for three years. “I mean, the cable obviously didn’t lead anywhere. One end was connected to the soundboard and the other just lay on the floor about three feet away. I had assumed something wireless was going on.”

Head researcher Dr. Peter Jenkins commented, “This is a fairly straightforward case; we’ve seen it before. Kids at a college think their ideas are worth sharing and that their taste of music is unique. We’re glad to clear things up and let them know that no one is listening”.

When asked to comment, many Bowdoin students did not know that the WBOR station existed. Even more students did not know what a radio was.

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Mar. 1, 2017

Bowdoin Security reported catching four first year boys streaking across the snowy quad last Saturday at 1:00am. As punishment, the security officers forced the students to continue streaking in the snow.

Peter Richards ’20, one of the students reprimanded, commented, “Streaking was really fun until we realized that we probably couldn’t have kids anymore. Then we had to streak more and now we definitely can’t have kids.”

Richards claims to have started out very confident, but said that his confidence diminished at a rate proportional to the difference in temperatures between his genitalia and his surroundings.

“My junk has yet to emerge from my body,” Richards stated. “Yet again, I’m the only one to blame for my blue balls.”

Bowdoin College will not pursue further disciplinary action against the streakers, stating that frostbitten testicles are punishment enough.

By JAANA SINGH Feb. 26, 2017

After officially declaring her major in Government and Legal Studies, Sarah Cohen ‘19 took to social media to post an enthusiastic status about her novel academic endeavor.

Cohen described the decision to declare as an emotionally draining experience, despite not having any other potential major contenders to grapple with. “I really had to look within me, and decide who I was. After days of self-reflection, I realized that becoming a Government major was my destiny.”

Just 4 days after her announcement, Cohen has already prefaced nine political Facebook posts, “As a government and legal studies major…”

By JACK ARNHOLZ and JAANA SINGH Feb. 25, 2017

The Bowdoin Entertainment Board has announced that controversial Conservative pundit Milo Yiannopoulos will headline this year’s Ivies.

“A few months ago we didn’t think we would be able to get him,” said eBoard president Annette Williams, “but, due to recent events, we were able to get him really cheap.” Williams announced that Yiannopoulos’s act will include singing, dancing, and heiling.

Yiannopoulos’s representatives told the Harpoon, “Mr. Yiannopoulos is excited to perform for Bowdoin College. He is, however, disappointed he missed Masque & Gown’s production of Blown Youth.”

The event will be sponsored by Bowdoin’s Kaucasian Kulture Klub.