By JACOB BASKES Nov. 2, 2016

We’ve all had our struggles with dining hall food, so check out these five ways to make the most out of your meal, but also take note of the lack of attention put into these pictures of the National Treasure himself with forks instead of hands.

1. Try this tongue-tingling tomato trick

This little recipe is a must when you have fresh tomatoes on hand. Fill a small bowl with cherry or grape tomatoes, then add a dash of olive oil and a big pinch of salt. Toss until the oil and salt are distributed evenly, but make sure you notice how terribly these two forks are just popped right onto those meaty paws.

2. Make your own panini with items from the salad bar

Here’s one for the picky eaters who can’t handle a plain grilled cheese. Grab two slices of hearty artisan bread and stuff ‘em full with sliced meats, cheeses, dressing, and some veggies from the salad bar, but also try not to cry at the clear lack of effort put into photoshopping Poseidon’s utensil onto the meat fingers of the greatest actor of our time.

3. Ask the guy behind the counter for the special of the day

This one’s a bit trickier to execute. Some days, you can secretly ask the man behind the buffet for today’s special. Only on certain days will you get the prize, but please, these pictures are getting old. It seems that no one can convincingly replace my uncle’s hands with these metal prosthetics.

4. Turn your dining hall experience into an eleven course meal

Do you have the time? Then make sure to grab an infinitesimally small amount of each of the dishes being offered at the buffet and place it on a very large plate in an artful manner. By your eleventh time making the trip to the dining hall, you may be hungry enough for dinner, but not hungry enough to ignore the pure disgrace that is this shamefully altered photo.

5. Just eat it

Your dining hall food has consistently been rated the best in the country, so just eat the damn stuff. You literally have mussels every other week and three prepared salads a day, so just forget about this whole list, except for this disgraceful example of “art,” in which there was clearly no care in representing the moccasined actor in his natural repose.

By SUMMERS ASKEW Oct. 30, 2016

A Bowdoin student diagnosed with amnesia is on the road to recovery after beginning to piece together his life story using the stickers on his Nalgene water bottle.

“So far, I’ve learned that my name is Patagonia,” said the student, “and that I do a lot of things in the dark, namely ‘It.’ I’m also really good friends with some guy named Bernie, and I guess I like something called a Sugarloaf? It sounds delicious.”

“I’m grateful to my past self,” Patagonia continued. “It really helps to have a convenient and portable collection of all my notable life experiences. I still don’t know what the little pink whale is for, though. What mysteries could she hold?”

Reports show that 76% of Bowdoin students own Nalgene water bottles with at least one sticker, while only 0.00108% of students at Bowdoin have ever experienced amnesia.

By PAUL GARLICK Oct. 26, 2016

Author’s Note: Yes, the title of this article is a sexual metaphor, in case that wasn’t clear. I’m new to the whole suggestive article type of thing (actually, I’m new to writing any sort of articles in general), so if something sounds like it could be referencing something inappropriate, it probably is. I hope you find my article informative and, more importantly, funny. I’ve really been working hard on this so please enjoy it. I want people to like me.

Squirrels on Bowdoin College’s Brunswick, Maine campus have recently been seen killing and eating each other out of the regular food chain (This might seem like a weird way to describe cannibalism, but I needed to change the phrasing to make it sound inappropriate and funny. “Eating each other out…” Get it? It’s like they’re doing sexual stuff after they kill each other, but they’re really just eating things that squirrels don’t usually eat, other squirrels.)

One Bowdoin student was asked about the campus squirrels’ recent cannibalism, and responded, “Well, there are plenty of nuts scattered all over campus, but I guess the squirrels here are looking for a certain kind of nut.” (There it is again! Squirrel sex humor. Wow, I’m funny! He didn’t really say the last part, but I added it in to make it funny.)

A squirrel expert from the Bowdoin faculty has also weighed in on the issue, saying, “This kind of cannibalism has been seen in squirrel populations before. It is usually due to a lack of female squirrels. In order to attract a mate, male squirrels will engage in a duel in which the winner feasts on the remains of the loser, demonstrating his dominance and sexual virility to potential mates.” (That actually wasn’t a sexual metaphor, even though it was extremely sexual. The squirrels’ sexual deprivation is a very serious issue. It could potentially wipe out the local population.)

Anyways, please like my article. I think it’s pretty funny. I’m pretty funny too. I hope you think I’m funny. I think I’m funny. Please laugh. Please.

Image Source: http://quotesgram.com/quotes-about-squirrels-and-nuts/

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Oct. 25, 2016

Following his Q and A session held at Burnette House, Noam Chomsky regretted that he hadn’t asked which College Houses were cool.

“I just thought all of the houses would be the same, but God was I wrong,” said Chomsky. “If a house could smell like a father who just found out his son wants to go to acting school, that’s what Burn smells like.”

Chomsky continued, “Honestly, I would have taken Helm or even Howell. But Burn? Seriously? It’s like Adam Sandler became a building.”

By HUGO HENTOFF May 18, 2016

The Hawthorne-Longfellow library will be hosting therapy dog fights to help Bowdoin students relieve stress during finals week.

“We realized that petting dogs just is not nearly as relaxing as watching them tear each other apart,” said head librarian Michelle Vick. “When I see the carefree smiles of Bowdoin students, hear them joyfully encourage a dachshund to rip out a golden retriever’s throat, I can’t help but smile.”

“I was really anxious about my chemistry exam,” said one student, “but when I saw that corgi get disemboweled, the stress just melted away.”

Since the commencement of the therapy dog fights, stress levels of Bowdoin students have dropped 95%, test scores have risen 78%, and pet adoption has increased 456%.

Image Source: http://www.forbes.com/sites/kristintablang/2016/02/03/uber-puppies-super-bowl-puppy-bowl-xii/#3fc8eee92994

May 16, 2016

Dear Harpoon Editors,

In his inauguration speech, President Clayton Rose said that we here at Bowdoin must “exercise a willingness…to be deeply uncomfortable down to our core.” So why did he ignore me when I tried to talk to him when we were both using urinals in the bathroom near his office?

I loitered around Clayton’s bathroom, waiting for him to make his 2:21 p.m. pee run like I usually do, finally working up the courage to engage with him. After I walked up to the urinal next to Clayton, I asked, “Want to get full-throated?” In response, Clayton did what he warned against in his inauguration speech: he turned away and made no attempt to push himself out of his comfort zone. I called after him, inviting him to go to the Women’s Resource Center nude photo-shoot exhibit with me. He just ran away faster. Why isn’t Clayton “willing to wade deeply into all manner of texts, films, and art” and experience a “deep emotional reaction” with me?

I think we all need to consider the outright incongruity of Clayton’s rhetoric and his actions. Our president must be committed to the liberal arts ideal in theory and in practice; it won’t do to have him abandon his principles just because we’re standing next to each other in the men’s room with our penises in our hands while urinating and he’s grunting a bit and I’m trying to get a little peek because honestly wouldn’t you?

I urge the Harpoon editors, and the rest of the studentry, to take up my humble cause. I am for free speech, the examined life, and the common good. Sometimes that involves being unafraid at the urinal.

Sincerely,

The Bowdoin Doughface

By THE BOWDOIN DOUGHFACE May 4, 2016

Onlookers applauded and cheered as sophomore male Richard Little entered the Women’s Resource Center nude photo-shoot alone.

Sources say that Little pumped himself up for 15 minutes near the Café, while muttering to himself, “It’s OK to go in, they want us to look at the exhibition, it’s not creepy.” Little reportedly walked toward the entrance of the gallery and back to the Café more than seven times.

Little is the first straight male Bowdoin student to see the gallery of the fully naked female students without the accompaniment of a female friend or at least two other males. Once inside, Little walked slowly around the room, making sure not to look at a particular image for too long or breathe audibly. After an uncomfortable three minutes, Little left the gallery and walked out of the Union as quickly as he could.

When asked for comment after the incident, Little started to say that the gallery made him realize that naked female bodies aren’t inherently sexual objects, but when senior Harriet Yoni walked by, Little turned red in the face, looked at the ground, and shuffled his feet.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON May 3, 2016

In an effort to conserve water, Sustainable Bowdoin has begun a campaign encouraging students to pee in the shower.

“It is critical that Bowdoin students be constantly aware of their impact on the Earth’s resources, especially when cleansing their naked bodies,” said student representative Daniella Roe.

“We thought the poster with the girl from Psycho would be effective,” continued Roe, “but we still think Bowdoin’s water use is too high. The college didn’t approve our shower buddies program, but this is the next best thing.”

“I’m holding in my pee in all day so I don’t use any water,” said another member. “I may get a UTI, but it will be worth it to save Mother Gaia.”

By HUGO HENTOFF April 25, 2016

After The Bowdoin Orient published an article entitled, “Sports at Bowdoin Perpetuate a Culture of Division,” straight white male athletes rejoiced as they finally got the opportunity to be offended by something.

“I’ve never been able to be part of a marginalized group before, it’s very exciting,” said Keith, a lacrosse player from Connecticut. “I’ve always been jealous of minority groups for getting to be offended by stuff, so this is pretty great.”

Many of the straight white male athletes hurt by the orient article have attempted to create safe spaces, but their lack of experience in constructing healing environments has made this endeavor difficult. “We tried to make a space where other straight white male athletes could openly talk about their problems,” said Kyle, a hockey player from Connecticut, “but, in trying to create an atmosphere where we felt comfortable, we kept accidentally opening Vineyard Vines franchises.”

Because the controversy surrounding the Orient article has died down recently, straight white male athletes are currently hoping for new opportunities to be offended. “I’m really praying for a few anti-Caucasian hate crimes,” said Kevin, a crew rower from Connecticut, “but I don’t want to get ahead of myself.”

By SARA BARONKSY April 12, 2016

Scientists believe they have discovered over 10 formerly unknown individuals in your grade after attending the all-sophomore career-planning meeting in Pickard Theater.

Prone to, “sitting in the back,” and only attending events that are “mandatory,” this newly discovered species is being called, “probably on the swim team.”

“It amazes me that so much of Bowdoin is still unknown,” said head of research, Kelly Ryan. “These individuals aren’t like anyone we’ve seen before. I’m so excited to discover even more people who you will certainly never have a conversation with after seeing them this one time.”

The newly discovered people display a diverse array of human features, such as hair, eyes, mouths, and noses. They boast a variety of interests including sports, clubs, jobs, and majors, none of which overlap with yours.

After the career-planning meeting, sightings of the newly discovered people have been rare. Researchers warned, “we probably won’t see any of these little guys again until graduation. Maybe Ivies, if we’re lucky.”

Image Source: https://www.operationaware.org/programs-services.aspx