Category: Maine

Report: Weather to Stay This Nice For At Least Another 45 Minutes

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 11, 2017

Meteorologists across Maine are reporting that the warm and sunny weather the state is currently experiencing will last for at least another 45 minutes.

“Make sure to soak up the remaining 44 minutes of sun while you can,” said local weather woman Natasha Green, “because in 43 minutes, it will all be a distant memory.”

“I’m going to spend these precious 42 minutes of spring getting my bronze on,” said Topsham resident Oscar Foster, who hopes that his 41 minutes of tanning will radically transform his complexion from beige to eggshell white.

After a pleasant 40 minutes of blue skies and 70° weather, Maine residents can expect a quick couple of weeks of rain, darkness, and plagues, but can look forward to an estimated 90 minutes of sun in about 2-3 weeks.

Trip Advisor to Begin Reviewing Shrooms

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 5, 2017

Travel and restaurant review website Trip Advisor has announced that the company will now begin evaluating shrooms and other hallucinogenic drugs.

New Focus of Trip AdvisorCEO Stephen Kaufer made the announcement on Thursday surrounded by the band MGMT: “Trip Advisor has always sought to provide customers with easy, affordable, and enjoyable access to the world’s most interesting cultures and destinations. We are excited to announce our new focus that will expand—fuck, that’s a sweet dragon.”

The move is reportedly an attempt to tap into a niche consumer demographic that, until now, primarily relied on burnout uncles named Mac and questionable Reddit pages for advice on dope ass mind treks.

“Follow the Money,” Screams Local Man at Newspaper

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 4, 2017

64-year-old Maine resident Tim Anderson was seen in Cascada Park today screaming at the print edition of the Bangor Daily News.

Sources alleged that Anderson was yelling phrases at the paper like, “Follow the money,” and, “Investigate the trail of clues that the money is leaving,” and, “Put a tracking device on the money and then wait for the money to arrive at its destination and then go to said destination.” He eventually lost his voice, but, while loudly shuffling through the pages of the publication, went on to produce a low-pitched growling noise from the back of his throat for five-and-half hours until the park closed for the day and he was asked to leave

938250744-park-bench-information-calmness-emotion-lonesomeness
“Why doesn’t my daughter ever visit me?”

“I don’t even think he was actually reading the paper,” said Dolores Higgins, a woman in the park. “I snuck up behind him to see what he was reacting to, and he was looking at the wedding section. He was staring at a photograph of a newlywed couple, and then just started shouting, ‘The money,’ for a while until he lost his breath. It looked like he needed to eat better and maybe exercise.”

“Sometimes he would make eye contact with me and gesture to the paper looking exasperated,” Higgins continued. “Then he would touch himself.”

 

Report: Only Thing Sexier than Man Vaping is Same Man Not Vaping

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 3, 2017

Researchers at Georgetown University recently discovered that the only thing on earth with a higher sex appeal than a vaping male was that same male after his vaporizer had been thrown in a trash compacter.

The researchers polled 30,000 male and female respondents. 98% of respondents rated a pale, thin vaping man wearing DC brand shoes as the second most attractive thing in the world, behind only that same puss-crusher not vaping.

The study may be skewed, however, as over 70% of respondents claimed to be residents of Vape Nation.

Infant Child of Single Mother Lacks Object Permanence, Dad

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 28, 2017

A psychological examination confirmed today that the infant child of single mother Martha Gether lacks both object permanence and a father.

“Our research has shown,” said one of the psychologists working on the case study, “that the child in question has neither the ability to remember the presence of objects when they are not visible, nor a father.” The study involved many hours of testing and recording the baby’s responses to different stimuli, and many nights spent waiting to see if his father would ever come home.

Ethics officials called the study, “unnecessary,” noting that children do not typically develop object permanence until about eight or nine months, and that the mother is very active on both Match.com and Tinder.

Sausage Industry Overwhelmingly Male

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Mar. 9, 2017

A recent poll has found that 9 out of 10 employees at any given sausage company are male.

“This is just ridiculous,” said Oscar Mayer, a spokesperson for the sausage industry. “In all my years working in the bratwurst biz, I have noticed slightly more men than women, but these numbers are shocking. Women, in my experience are definitely more adept at handling sausage.

In an effort to pursue equal employment, Oscar Mayer has announced that all sausage plants will now start producing muffins.

Stoner Tries to Time Travel, Gets Stuck in the Moment

By PAUL GARLICK Mar. 3, 2017

Local stoner Bud Baker has become the first ever person to successfully time travel. Unfortunately, he was unable to return after becoming stuck in moment.

 Todd Toker, Baker’s closest friend and smoking partner, said, “Man, it was like, Bud was there, and then, it was like, he wasn’t there, and then, he texted me later like, ‘Woah dude. I’m totally, seriously just like floating in the moment dude, it’s like everything’s just frozen in the now.’ And I totally responded like, ‘Woah dude……… coooool.’”

In response to the incident, the United States has assembled a task force of the country’s most renowned physicists in an attempt to successfully bring Bud back to the present. The leader of the team stated, “We honestly have no damn clue how this guy figured out how to time travel. Many of our men have been conducting extensive research for decades, and none of them have even come close to cracking the secret of time travel. It’s mind-blowing. He’s most likely stuck in the moment for good. I guess that’s what he gets for doing those damn hippy drugs.”

When asked about the incident, Baker’s mother said she would miss her son, but is glad he isn’t around to steal her pot anymore.

Hot Dentist Can Fit Whole Fist in Your Mouth

By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 2, 2017

Local Dentist Sharron Broner has become extremely popular with male clients throughout Maine after it became known that she can fit her entire fist in her patients’ mouth.

“Knowing your dentist can get her whole clenched hand into your gob is so freaking hot,” said Jeremy Adams, one of her patients. “I get my teeth cleaned every week now. At first I thought there just wasn’t enough room in my face hole for all of those fingers, but goddammit she made room.”hot-dentist

Adams continued, “The only uncomfortable part is when she asks you questions while she’s wrist deep in your throat. I mean, how am I supposed to answer those? There’s no way she can understand what I’m saying while my mouth is full of her sexy fist. It’s a little awkward, but I think it’s a habit that all dentists have.”

In an effort to increase revenue, Broner has started offering select patients gloveless examinations for an additional cost. One client commented, “It’s so much better without that gross latex separating her fist from my tongue cave.”

 

Single Man Spends Nights Alone Furiously Mastering Sudoku

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 28, 2017

Without a significant other to spend his time with, area man Eric Allen has been spending his nights alone in bed doing what any other single man would do — furiously mastering Sudoku.

While men in relationships often spend their nights becoming intimate with their partners, single men like Allen typically resort to activities that they can do alone, such as mastering Sudoku with a vigor that would shock anyone who would have happened to witness him. Allen has assured his family and friends that this is, “just a phase,” and that once his love life takes a turn, his mastering of Sudoku will become less furious and far less frequent.

Critics have argued that repeatedly practicing Sudoku could lead to unrealistic expectations for other puzzles, such as crosswords and word searches. Despite claiming to practice nightly and for hours on end, Allen has rebuffed suggestions that he should cut back. “Besides,” he added, “I usually finish my puzzles pretty quickly, giving me just enough time to masturbate.”

Following Super Bowl, Patriots Fan Realizes Life Still Devoid of Meaning

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Feb. 20, 2017

After the historic comeback in Super Bowl 51, New England super-fan and Boston native Brian O’Flanagan says the high of victory has worn off and has realized that human life is still inherently meaningless.

“I was super pumped when the Pats won the Super Bowl,” said O’Flanagan. “But now I’m back to spending my time grappling with mortality and pondering the insignificance of human life. We’re all just so small in a universe that’s so, so big.”

 
O’Flanagan said that directly after the Super Bowl, all he could think about was Edelman’s catch and Tom Brady’s piercing baby blue eyes, but recently has been unable to do anything but face the inescapable loneliness and alienation he feels are intrinsic to the human condition.