Category: Maine

I Am The Best Skier On The Mountain So Fuck You

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 12, 2017

Yeah, you heard me. I’m sick at skiing. You’re not as sick as me. Go fuck yourself.

Oh, did you not know I was sick at skiing? Don’t worry; I’ll talk about it all the time. I’ll talk about it loudly at the beginning of class so you can hear me. I’ll talk about it at the end of class too. If you’re lucky, the professor will even ask me to talk about it during class. I’ll do it even if he doesn’t ask. I’ll talk about it in the dining hall. I’ll talk about it when we’re having sex. I’ll even talk about it at my aunt’s wake.

I Am the Best Skier on the Mountain
                          Jesus Goddamn Christ, I’m so fucking rad

Now that you know I’m sick at skiing, let me be more specific: I crush it on a regular basis. I crush groomers. I crush parks. I crush backcountry glades that would make you cry and laugh and poop all at the same time.

Do I have a sweet GoPro? Yes. Do I get sweet footage of me crushing every run of the day? No doubt. Will I release a fire edit at the end of the season with kickass Skrilex mixes, excessive amounts of slow-mo, and an embarrassing amount of footage of me not being sick at anything? Fuckin’ right I will. Will I aggressively promote this mediocre content until you want to stab me? I’m not God so I don’t know, but bring it on.

I love danger.

Doctor Congratulates Sexually Active Patient

By SAM HALPERT May 18, 2017

Upon arriving for his annual checkup, 17-year-old patient and former loser James Bristol sped through the typical medical small talk before arriving at the real reason for the yearly checkup. His doctor, pediatrician Michael Wassmer, glossed over most of the superficial ritual questions about vaccines and testicular cancer before reaching the climax both parties knew was coming: “James, are you sexually active?”

Bristol answered with the four manliest words he knew: “I am sexually active.” After receiving the affirmative response, the doctor stood up and exclaimed that, in his medical opinion, this revelation was, “Pretty fuckin’ sweet.” Beaming all the while, he congratulated the young champion on exiting loserdom. Confetti streamed from the ceiling, several air horns sounded, and scantily clad nurses came in to join on the applause.

Dr. Wassmer noted, “I honestly didn’t think he had it in him. I mean look at the kid. In my medical opinion he was one of the biggest fucking losers to enter my waiting room. Three weeks ago, he closed that chapter of his life and now look at what he’s gone on to do. This is the kind of stuff they don’t prepare you for in med school. This is why you come to work everyday.”

Woman to Take Wage Gap Year Before Starting College

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 26, 2017

18-year-old Jenny Fischer has decided to defer her acceptance to Bowdoin College next semester to take a wage gap year in the American workforce.

“I think this will really prepare me for the outside world,” said Fischer. “A wage gap year is exactly what I need to get me ready to become a productive, undervalued member of society.”

Fischer’s wage gap year will consist of working literally anywhere in America and getting paid less than a man to do so. “This will be such a unique experience that I’ll be sharing with every other woman working in the US,” said Fischer. “I can’t wait.”

Misogynist Woman Undergoes Plastic Surgery to Feel More Like an Object


Local misogynist woman Rosie Highman recently underwent an experimental form of plastic surgery in order to feel more like an object. She said the procedure marked a life long ambition to have her outer appearance reflect her inner self.

                                       “I finally feel like myself”

“I was never like those other girls as a kid,” she said. “They all wanted to be doctors or lawyers. I just wanted to stand around with my hand on my hip and my mouth slightly open for hours. I would look at these women in storefronts and just be mesmerized. Then someone told me that they weren’t people but plastic mannequins, but I told them to shut up immediately and take me to the nearest plastic surgeon.”

Ms. Highman had to make several trips to the bank, but eventually got the body she always dreamed of. “I can’t move my arms anymore, but what use would I have for them? I’m a woman.”

Report: Weather to Stay This Nice For At Least Another 45 Minutes

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 11, 2017

Meteorologists across Maine are reporting that the warm and sunny weather the state is currently experiencing will last for at least another 45 minutes.

“Make sure to soak up the remaining 44 minutes of sun while you can,” said local weather woman Natasha Green, “because in 43 minutes, it will all be a distant memory.”

“I’m going to spend these precious 42 minutes of spring getting my bronze on,” said Topsham resident Oscar Foster, who hopes that his 41 minutes of tanning will radically transform his complexion from beige to eggshell white.

After a pleasant 40 minutes of blue skies and 70° weather, Maine residents can expect a quick couple of weeks of rain, darkness, and plagues, but can look forward to an estimated 90 minutes of sun in about 2-3 weeks.

Trip Advisor to Begin Reviewing Shrooms

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 5, 2017

Travel and restaurant review website Trip Advisor has announced that the company will now begin evaluating shrooms and other hallucinogenic drugs.

New Focus of Trip AdvisorCEO Stephen Kaufer made the announcement on Thursday surrounded by the band MGMT: “Trip Advisor has always sought to provide customers with easy, affordable, and enjoyable access to the world’s most interesting cultures and destinations. We are excited to announce our new focus that will expand—fuck, that’s a sweet dragon.”

The move is reportedly an attempt to tap into a niche consumer demographic that, until now, primarily relied on burnout uncles named Mac and questionable Reddit pages for advice on dope ass mind treks.

“Follow the Money,” Screams Local Man at Newspaper

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 4, 2017

64-year-old Maine resident Tim Anderson was seen in Cascada Park today screaming at the print edition of the Bangor Daily News.

Sources alleged that Anderson was yelling phrases at the paper like, “Follow the money,” and, “Investigate the trail of clues that the money is leaving,” and, “Put a tracking device on the money and then wait for the money to arrive at its destination and then go to said destination.” He eventually lost his voice, but, while loudly shuffling through the pages of the publication, went on to produce a low-pitched growling noise from the back of his throat for five-and-half hours until the park closed for the day and he was asked to leave

“Why doesn’t my daughter ever visit me?”

“I don’t even think he was actually reading the paper,” said Dolores Higgins, a woman in the park. “I snuck up behind him to see what he was reacting to, and he was looking at the wedding section. He was staring at a photograph of a newlywed couple, and then just started shouting, ‘The money,’ for a while until he lost his breath. It looked like he needed to eat better and maybe exercise.”

“Sometimes he would make eye contact with me and gesture to the paper looking exasperated,” Higgins continued. “Then he would touch himself.”


Report: Only Thing Sexier than Man Vaping is Same Man Not Vaping

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 3, 2017

Researchers at Georgetown University recently discovered that the only thing on earth with a higher sex appeal than a vaping male was that same male after his vaporizer had been thrown in a trash compacter.

The researchers polled 30,000 male and female respondents. 98% of respondents rated a pale, thin vaping man wearing DC brand shoes as the second most attractive thing in the world, behind only that same puss-crusher not vaping.

The study may be skewed, however, as over 70% of respondents claimed to be residents of Vape Nation.

Infant Child of Single Mother Lacks Object Permanence, Dad

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 28, 2017

A psychological examination confirmed today that the infant child of single mother Martha Gether lacks both object permanence and a father.

“Our research has shown,” said one of the psychologists working on the case study, “that the child in question has neither the ability to remember the presence of objects when they are not visible, nor a father.” The study involved many hours of testing and recording the baby’s responses to different stimuli, and many nights spent waiting to see if his father would ever come home.

Ethics officials called the study, “unnecessary,” noting that children do not typically develop object permanence until about eight or nine months, and that the mother is very active on both and Tinder.

Sausage Industry Overwhelmingly Male


A recent poll has found that 9 out of 10 employees at any given sausage company are male.

“This is just ridiculous,” said Oscar Mayer, a spokesperson for the sausage industry. “In all my years working in the bratwurst biz, I have noticed slightly more men than women, but these numbers are shocking. Women, in my experience are definitely more adept at handling sausage.

In an effort to pursue equal employment, Oscar Mayer has announced that all sausage plants will now start producing muffins.