All, Bowdoin

College Acceptance Rate Lowest Ever, Self-Acceptance Rate Even Lower

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 8, 2017

The Bowdoin Office of Admissions announced this week that they accepted 13.4% of applicants to the Class of 2021 – the lowest acceptance rate on record. The self-acceptance rate, however, has fallen even lower.

“I was so excited to brag about the 13.4% acceptance rate to my friends at home,” said Jared Adler ’19. “But, I still feel a cold emptiness inside me. Sometimes I drive by myself to Harpswell and blast Alanis Morissette. Do you want to read some of my poetry?”

Peter Madden, director of Admissions, when asked if he was worried about the low self-acceptance rate, responded, “Of course not. How would we get the word out about the low college acceptance rate if we had kids with high-self esteem?”

All, Bowdoin

Freshman Playing Ukulele in Hallway Not Like Other Boys

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 7, 2017

Freshman Clay Symington has been playing his ukulele in the hallway to let the women of his dorm know that he is not like the other boys.

“I just want girls here to know that not all boys are the same,” said Symington as he gently played a Ben Folds melody. “Some of us are really sensitive and like talking about our feelings and cuddling and other gay shit.”

20120423_042807_uke guy
                                    “I’m a really good guy”

“I knew Clay was different when I heard him playing a 21 Pilots song out in the hallway,” said one girl on his floor. “Most guys just want sex, but Clay is a musician who has feelings,” said another.

“I just love my ukulele and hope that someday I will find my uku-lady,” said Symington as he ever so softly caressed the strings of his ukulele with just the tips of his delicate musician’s fingers.

 

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin to Use Funds From Women’s Resource Center to Pay for New Football Field

By JACK ARNHOLZ Apr. 6, 2017

Bowdoin has announced plans to renovate historic Whittier Field. President Rose revealed Monday that the college will fund the renovations by taking money from the Women’s Resource Center.

“Football is deeply entrenched in Bowdoin’s history. We’ve won so many trophies, I can’t even remember the last one we won,” said President Rose. “The $8 million price tag was a bit daunting, but we found some money lying around in a fund set aside for something called the ‘Women’s Resource Center.’”

Violet Morrison, Director of the Women’s Resource Center, said she was disappointed about losing her entire budget to the football team, but she understood the importance of the project. “I do recognize the need for it. Usually when someone brings a problem to us, it is, more often than not, about football fields,” said Morrison

The College has also decided to convert the Counseling Center into a sauna for the players.

All, Maine

Trip Advisor to Begin Reviewing Shrooms

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 5, 2017

Travel and restaurant review website Trip Advisor has announced that the company will now begin evaluating shrooms and other hallucinogenic drugs.

New Focus of Trip AdvisorCEO Stephen Kaufer made the announcement on Thursday surrounded by the band MGMT: “Trip Advisor has always sought to provide customers with easy, affordable, and enjoyable access to the world’s most interesting cultures and destinations. We are excited to announce our new focus that will expand—fuck, that’s a sweet dragon.”

The move is reportedly an attempt to tap into a niche consumer demographic that, until now, primarily relied on burnout uncles named Mac and questionable Reddit pages for advice on dope ass mind treks.

All, Maine

“Follow the Money,” Screams Local Man at Newspaper

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 4, 2017

64-year-old Maine resident Tim Anderson was seen in Cascada Park today screaming at the print edition of the Bangor Daily News.

Sources alleged that Anderson was yelling phrases at the paper like, “Follow the money,” and, “Investigate the trail of clues that the money is leaving,” and, “Put a tracking device on the money and then wait for the money to arrive at its destination and then go to said destination.” He eventually lost his voice, but, while loudly shuffling through the pages of the publication, went on to produce a low-pitched growling noise from the back of his throat for five-and-half hours until the park closed for the day and he was asked to leave

938250744-park-bench-information-calmness-emotion-lonesomeness
“Why doesn’t my daughter ever visit me?”

“I don’t even think he was actually reading the paper,” said Dolores Higgins, a woman in the park. “I snuck up behind him to see what he was reacting to, and he was looking at the wedding section. He was staring at a photograph of a newlywed couple, and then just started shouting, ‘The money,’ for a while until he lost his breath. It looked like he needed to eat better and maybe exercise.”

“Sometimes he would make eye contact with me and gesture to the paper looking exasperated,” Higgins continued. “Then he would touch himself.”

 

All, Maine

Report: Only Thing Sexier than Man Vaping is Same Man Not Vaping

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 3, 2017

Researchers at Georgetown University recently discovered that the only thing on earth with a higher sex appeal than a vaping male was that same male after his vaporizer had been thrown in a trash compacter.

The researchers polled 30,000 male and female respondents. 98% of respondents rated a pale, thin vaping man wearing DC brand shoes as the second most attractive thing in the world, behind only that same puss-crusher not vaping.

The study may be skewed, however, as over 70% of respondents claimed to be residents of Vape Nation.

All, Bowdoin

Prick Who Won’t Shut Up in Your Class Looks in Mirror and Sees Jesus

By SAM HALPERT Mar. 30, 2017

Sources confirmed that the one fucker who just won’t stop talking even though everyone in the class wants Him to recently looked in the mirror to see none other than the Son of God.

The self-righteous prick reportedly feigned surprise before accepting that He was, in fact, sent by God to bless your class with the Truth. As of Sunday night, The King of Kings had reportedly decided to communicate the Truth in the form of regular interruptions, tangential remarks disguised as questions, and outright infuriating comments during open class discussions. The Good Shepherd acknowledged that His journey would not be easy and that He would need to open the eyes of His blind classmates who were not blessed with His same superior intellect and acute awareness of the world.

The Son of Man noted that He did not choose this path of righteousness, but would answer His calling to preach regardless. The Prince of Peace gazed longingly into the distance, presumably imaging a world in which the professor would no longer cut Him off during his elocutions.

Sources confirmed that the class is currently rolling their eyes in anticipation of the Messiah’s next comment.

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin Organic Garden’s “Free Grow” Initiative Stocks Campus Bathrooms with Fresh Spinach

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 29, 2017

Bathrooms across campus have been stocked with fresh, leafy greens as part of Bowdoin Organic Garden’s new “Free Grow” initiative, which hopes to inspire healthy eating this spring.

Free Grow
You can show your support for the Bowdoin Organic Garden by purchasing one of these fun stickers for just $6.99

In a statement on the BOG’s Facebook page, the group expressed its desire to give students the opportunity to “feel clean and healthy at any point during the day.” The new initiative is the beginning of a multi-step plan to bring healthy eating to all students, no matter where they are on campus. “We hope to be finished by 2020,” the post continued, “at which point every bathroom on campus will have a small, self-sustaining, aquaponic garden.”

The Garden received funding from BSG’s Good Ideas Fund, despite every committee member identifying as strict carnivores. “We really know very little about vegetables,” said one member, “but, as allies, we’re really excited to plant spinach in bathrooms.”

All, Maine

Infant Child of Single Mother Lacks Object Permanence, Dad

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 28, 2017

A psychological examination confirmed today that the infant child of single mother Martha Gether lacks both object permanence and a father.

“Our research has shown,” said one of the psychologists working on the case study, “that the child in question has neither the ability to remember the presence of objects when they are not visible, nor a father.” The study involved many hours of testing and recording the baby’s responses to different stimuli, and many nights spent waiting to see if his father would ever come home.

Ethics officials called the study, “unnecessary,” noting that children do not typically develop object permanence until about eight or nine months, and that the mother is very active on both Match.com and Tinder.

All, Bowdoin

Student Leaves Canada Goose Jacket in Ladd, Will Settle for Barbour

By JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 27, 2017

First-year Emma Johnson, who left her Canada Goose jacket in Ladd last Friday night, has announced that she will now be forced settle for her Barbour.

“My mom is going to kill me when she finds out I lost my Canada Goose,” Johnson said. “She wouldn’t want me to be seen wearing a Barbour.”

Johnson realized her Canada Goose was missing when she walked through Super Snacks and not even one person complimented her on her wealth. She is taking solace in the fact that her Barbour also goes well with her Martha’s Vineyard sweatshirt and yoga pants.