To the dismay of students, Dining Services announced today that guacamole will now cost an extra meal swipe at Thorne.
Guacamole, colloquially shortened to “guac,” is a popular Mexican condiment that was smuggled over the wall decades ago by curious San Diegans. Now served in homes and restaurants across the United States, guacamole is an all-American favorite made from mashed avocado (those big green berries with pits), onion, and exotic spices.
Some students speculate that the decision stems from the uniquely laborious and expensive avocado mashing process employed by Dining Services. To ensure that each serving of guac is mashed to perfection, student employees empty crates of peeled and pitted avocados into industrial-size bathtubs. After removing their shoes, these dedicated workers stomp on the guac-to-be, letting the mush curl between their toes until it reaches the desired texture. Food critics call this texture, “mouth feel.
Initial reports indicate that the extra meal swipe is absolutely not worth the lackluster, anticlimactic mouth feel the guac has to offer.
Inebriated student Matt Snyder replicated Euclid’s ‘Golden Ratio’ in the Ladd House bathroom last weekend. According to one student, it resulted in “a fucking mess.”
Graphic by Arah Kang
For decades, Math majors and other sexless intellectuals have tried to perfect what is, perhaps, Euclid’s most notable contribution to our understanding of the modern party bathroom. Until Snyder, nobody had come close to a proper recreation of Euclid’s work.
“Well, in all honesty, I’m usually a peeing with the seat up, stream down the side of the bowl kind of guy—tidy stuff,” said Snyder when asked about his methods, “but that night, my bladder was at critical mass, and there was this first-year from Hyde who was totally hogging the toilet, puking or blacking out or whatever. I couldn’t risk another public urination charge, so I had no other choice but to barge in there, unzip, close my eyes, and let the spirit of Euclid take the reins.”
Snyder can be found in most College House basements applying Thales’ Theorem to kegs or arranging beer pong cups according to Pascal’s Triangle.
The Bowdoin Student Government (BSG) has gone through major reorganization for the first time in many years. Yet, many students are still wondering what the fuck it even does.
“I remember electing my representatives to their positions. Several of them knocked on my door at the beginning of the year to beg for my vote,” said first year Charles Dittersdorf. “But, do they, like, do shit?”
Junior Lila Gips said that she learned that the organization had a public comment time in Daggett Lounge on Wednesdays. When she showed up to listen in, however, the room was empty.
“I know they exist,” Gips said. “I mean, look how many posters of themselves they’ve put up this year. And they always throw some sort of almost-fun event right before elections to remind us to vote for them again. They must be real.”
BSG could not be reached for comment as most of its members are currently hospitalized after breaking their arms jerking themselves off.
In the wake of an inspiring debate between a man in sequined platform shoes and a man in regular shoes, Clayton Rose explained the process behind planning Face to Face if not Eye to Eye.
Graphic by Fred J. Field
“We tried to host this event last year, but our speakers somehow managed to speak face to face while simultaneously seeing eye to eye, said Rose. “It was chaos. This year we had to be absolutely certain there was no way our speakers would be able to see eye to eye, and that’s when I serendipitously stumbled upon this really magnificent pair of gold, sequined platform shoes on Etsy. I knew it was meant to be. Those babies made a pretty significant dent in the endowment, but they were worth it. I slipped them on, sat in the front row, and just as I suspected, my feet were all that Art and Frankie could look at.”
Speakers Arthur Brooks and Frank Bruni were apparently not difficult to find. “I put out an ad on Craigslist and those guys responded pretty much immediately,” said Rose. “They really needed the money I guess.”
Upon inquiring whether or not a similar debate could ever take place in the future, Rose said, “Oh, definitely. Between you and me, completely off the record, we’ve got a wicked pair of stilts bookmarked on Ebay for next year.”
Bearded sophomore Leo Whiteman was seen yesterday reading a copy of James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake in the middle of the VAC Art Library, reportedly for pleasure.
“It’s a pretty tough read, which is probably why it’s not on the syllabus of any offered courses at Bowdoin,” Whiteman said to the room in general, unprompted. “I decided to add it to my personal reading list that I keep on the inside cover of my pocket-sized black Moleskin notebook, and the rest is history.”
Whiteman, who located himself centrally in the second-floor arts library, says that he often reads such difficult seminal works “purely for pleasure.” He said his literary prowess increased after attaining his non-prescription Warby Parker glasses from a free trial offered in one of his favorite podcasts.
Graphic by Arah Kang
“There’s nothing better than sitting with a nice, long book surrounded by like-minded intellectuals who can see you reading it,” Whiteman continued, his bare feet slipping in and out of his Birkenstocks with his glasses perched low on the bridge of his nose.
When the VAC is too crowded, Whiteman listed the Café sofas and Brunswick’s Little Dog Coffee Shop as his favorite alternate locations. He added that he “takes his coffee black,” but that it’s “not a big deal or anything.”
Whiteman’s fellow Reed House members noted that he is a “complete fucking asshole,” and that “they’re working on it.”
Sophomore Jacob Sloan is considering a career in interior decorating after tossing a scarf over his desk lamp and transforming his dorm room into a Parisian fuck palace.
“My first year here was pretty uneventful vis-à-vis having hot, steamy sex,” said Sloan, “and I realized it was simply due to the lighting in my room. Who could possibly get wet under harsh florescent overhead lights? Draping the vintage scarf my grandmother made me over my desk lamp makes my room look like an anything-goes, masquerade-themed orgy is pretty much inevitable.”
Sloan plans to further sexify his 140 sq. ft. thrust cave with vintage movie posters, oriental rugs that match his new drapes, and an assortment of tasteful black and white nudes, which Sloan says will surely make hypothetical female visitors, “cream their jorts.”
Graphic by Michelle Lu
Sloan’s hall mate Brock Ward has chosen to approach his room décor differently. “I like to keep all the handles I drink and put them on my windowsill so everyone knows how sick I am at drinking,” he commented. “I also hung up an American flag and some football jerseys, which everyone thinks is really dope.”
While Ward’s door is usually closed with a sock around the knob, Sloan leaves his open so that the women in his dorm can see that he owns a lamp with a scarf over it. “When I saw Jacob’s lamp I was sure we could probably deeply connect over our mutual love of foreign films and vests,” said dorm mate Kate Flax, “but Brock didn’t try so hard, so I fucked him next to a pile of old pizza boxes. C’est la vie.”
I know it’s super annoying, and you know I really hate to be that guy, but I kind of need you to send me that $5,000,000 right now if you haven’t already. So far I’ve only gotten money from Reed and the Schillers.
Graphic by Arah Kang
Again, hate to be that College President, but I’m actually spending a lot out of pocket currently, so if you could get it to me quickly that would really mean a lot. Ugh, I hate to even mention this because, like, you guys know I hate talking about money, but I took out a loan against some of those new treadmills in buck, and it’s really getting down to the wire here.
Also, someone left a green Nalgene in the basement of HL. It’s in my desk if you want to swing by and pick it up. Thanks!
On his most recent visit to Japan, President Trump made a point to visit Hiroshima, the site of the U.S. nuclear bombing that ended WWII.
“I’m giving such a fantastic speech right now. It’s really, very tremendous. I hope you all understand English, because I’m doing very well.”
In an internationally televised speech, Trump spoke to high ranking Japanese officials about the events. “We are so honored to be here today, so tremendously honored. And looking around me, it’s so clear that your people, your Japan people, have really recovered from this catastrophe really, very well. I am so glad you all avoided a real disaster here. A real disaster like Hillary’s emails.”
Ignoring gestures from both American and Japanese officials to leave the stage, he continued. “And let me tell you something about that crooked lady, let me tell you. All those emails – have you seen them? All those emails are so, so terrible. Real tragedies. And I’m so happy your country didn’t go through the real horror we all saw in her inbox. You’re all lucky, really. We are all so lucky.”
While his press team scrambled to address the initial negative backlash, President Trump took matters into his own hands to ameliorate the situation. He was quoted later that day convincing Japanese officials that Hillary would never be a problem for them, saying he had told her to “Fukushima off”. He then promptly asked them all if they wanted to “snag a saki.”
Hillary’s email server was ERROR 404 – SERVER NOT FOUND for comment.
Members of the student band 20/20, who notably made Burn happen earlier this year, have confirmed that they are now just one more College House performance from The Big Time.
“I’m really stoked on all the hookers and blow that we’ll get to buy with our Big Time cash,” said the band’s lead bassoonist Kendall Knight. “Until now, we’ve had to settle for warm Natty Lites and rhythmless hand jobs on the Reed dance floor.”
Photograph of the Big Time sensation taken for The Bowdoin Orient by Eliza Graumlich
“The biggest gig we’ve alt-rocked so far has definitely been opening for Smallpools at Ivies,” said background Glockenspiel player James Diamond. “In just a few weeks, I know we’ll be ready for the large pools. Is that weird? We’ll be ready for the big- uh – the big- big time pools. The big time large pools. Fuck it; you know what I mean. Just write it up so I sound cool.”
The band fuses aspects of heavy metal, gospel choir, children’s lullabies sung ominously in horror movie trailers, honky-tonk blues, and forlorn homeless men playing harmonica in boxcars to cultivate their eclectic sound. It’s that sound, along with just one more killer show at Quinby or Mac or whatever, that’s going to take them all the way to The Big Time.
Semi-electric bagpiper and lead chanter Logan Mitchell commented that when the band makes it big and goes off to California, he’s excited to start abusing prescription medications to cope with stardom— just with friends at Big Time Hollywood music parties at first, but eventually progressing to the point where the pill becomes the only thing that gets him out of bed in the morning, and the only thing that can get him to sleep at night. When his addiction gets in the way of the music and he gets kicked out of the band, he says, he’s optimistic that he’ll be able to get his act together, flush his pills down the toilet, reunite with his daughter, and write a new hit song that will show his band mates that he’s truly changed. Mitchell also remarked that if the whole music thing doesn’t work out, he “might go into finance or something.”
20/20’s last show at Helmreich House received rave reviews from a diverse audience that ranged from some of the residents of Helmreich House to some of the friends of some of the residents of Helmreich House. “I didn’t know we were having a thing tonight, but they’re cool I guess,” said one of the band’s many groupies.
Their highly anticipated new single, a sexually explicit cover of the Full House theme song, is expected to drop later this week.
Rumors have been flying like WORMS this week as Internet users speculated that Kylie Jenner, Kim Kardashian West, and Khloe Kardashian are all pregnant. A recent tweet shared by the pop culture icons confirms the suspicion, but with a notable twist: they’re all pregnant with the SAME baby!
Graphic by Arah Kang
Everyone is in SHOCK with regards to the newest reveal. The announcement came on Thursday morning via Kylie’s Twitter (@KylieJenner) where she wrote, “#excited and #blessed to be sharing a #baby with my #sisters!! It will be much easier to keep track of our #samebaby than #multiplebabies!”
Since then, both #samebaby and #multiplebabies have been trending on Twitter and Facebook in a flurry of shock and confusion, but mostly confusion. Fans will have to wait another 6 months to see how this all plays out, but our money is on some strange birth defect resulting in a really good series arc for season 15 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 