By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sept. 19, 2018
Gerald West ‘20 has begun to contemplate pursuing a full-time career writing fiction after turning in his most recent resume to Career Planning. Continue reading “Student Considers Career As Fiction Writer After Writing Resume”
By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sept. 18, 2018
After becoming fed up with the tried and true methods of collecting all the state quarters, amateur coin collector Moe Knee has quit his job at the US Mint and sold his home to live on the streets. Mr. Knee decided to hold up a cardboard sign saying “Homeless. Any change would help, but only state quarters are acceptable.”
“Coin collecting used to be a patient man’s game, but you have to take risks if you want to succeed,” said Mr. Knee. “Also, apparently coin collectors make very little money, like most of these quarters are worth at least 25 cents. So with the extra cash inflow from begging, it’s kind of a win-win.”
Mr. Knee so far has 12 Maryland quarters and a rare Buffalo nickel (which he uses exclusively to throw at pigeons).
When he sold his home, Mr. Knee tried to ask for the payment to be made out entirely in quarters. It may have expedited his search, but the couple that moved into his bungalow were “yuppie jerks who thought that was inconvenient,” in Mr. Knee’s own words. The couple declined to comment, due to obviosity.
Some homeless people, like Sam Halpert, seem to dislike Mr. Knee’s acquisition methods. “People say ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ for a reason. He’s giving the rest of us a bad reputation by association. So in his case, beggars can be losers.”
However, a disproportionate number of homeless men and women in Maine also have an interest in coin collecting. The amount of spare change available in Maine has become sparse, making these amateur collectors all the more desperate.
When he is not coin collecting, Mr. Knee imagines what is on the back of the Alaska state quarter. He hopes it is the Coca-Cola polar bears, but also realizes that it is not a great guess.
By JACOB BASKES Sept. 12, 2018
Excited first-years and seniors scrambling for resume builders flocked to Smith Union last night to tour the hectic maze of student groups fighting to attract new members. Among those groups was Bowdoin’s newly chartered PEN15 Club, which amassed an email list of three hundred and twelve students and signed the club name in Sharpie on each of those students’ hands. Continue reading “Students Sign Up for PEN15 Club at Activities Fair”
By JACK ARNHOLZ Sept. 11, 2018
Editors’ Note: Sept. 13, 2018
The Chair and Vice Chair of the J-Board asked us to remove their names from this article satirizing the Board, claiming it defamed their character. This assault on the integrity of the J-Board was so severe that they removed every copy of the Harpoon from Smith Union and HL. We decided to take them as seriously as they take themselves and removed their names.
In a recent interview with the Bowdoin Harpoon, Judicial Board President Lakeanna Polk claimed that the “J-Board gets its legitimacy from God.” Continue reading “Judicial Board: “J-Board Gets its Legitimacy from God””
By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sept. 10, 2018
Seeing the state for the first time, Bowdoin mother Susan Long made clear just how adorable she thinks Maine is. Continue reading “Mom Cannot Get Over ‘Just How Cute’ Maine Is”
By JACOB BASKES Sept. 6, 2018
Dining Services announced this morning that the Moulton Union dining hall will begin playing advertisements in lieu of music during meal hours. Continue reading “Moulton to Earn Revenue by Playing Ads During Meals”
By Jack Arnholz Sept. 6, 2018
Tonight many students are without power after a strong storm rocked Bowdoin College this afternoon. The thunderstorm not only caused power to go out, but also all undergraduates to come out. Continue reading “Whole Campus Now Out at Bowdoin”
By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sept. 5, 2018
Maine State Senator Beau Tumtouchér was revealed this week to have mailed many women in the phonebook unsolicited pictures of locally sourced produce. The women’s response to these dubious actions has been mixed, due in part to Senator Tumtouchér’s constant support of local farmers and his public persona as a class-A perv. Continue reading “Technologically Incompetent Senator Sends Women Unsolicited Pictures of Locally Sourced Produce”
By AINE LAWLOR Sept. 4, 2018
Bowdoin’s Fall athletes are incredibly busy; in fact, many are so busy that their schedule no longer allows them the time to be decent humans. Continue reading “Fall Athletes “Too Busy” to be Decent Humans”
By ARCHER THOMAS Sept. 3, 2018
The pageant world was rocked by scandal last week as it was revealed that the 2018 winner of the Miss Maine Beauty Pageant was actually just a moose with a blond wig draped over its antlers.
The moose, who entered the competition as “Anita Saltlick,” charmed the judges with her cud-chewing abilities and her ungraceful but earnest solo dance routine to Britney Spears’ hit “Toxic.” When asked about her dream for the future, Ms. Saltlick simply released a loud and guttural groan. The judges agreed that this was a better answer than “world peace.”
However, as the gorgeous moose was about to be crowned winner of the pageant, a jealous runner-up snatched the wig off of her large and lumbering head. When exposed, Anita bolted, trampling three competitors and triggering an explosion of violence exacerbated by the messy floorplan of the converted synagogue used as the venue.
Jack Tiburon, chair of the Miss Maine organization, released a statement denying rumors that Ms. Saltlick would be deprived of her title. “Frankly, this moose has more talent and beauty than most competitors this day and age. Her humility and quick wit is a model to all.”
Other competitors disagreed with Mr. Tiburon’s decision. “Just because she’s beautiful does not mean she should keep the crown,” said fifth alternate Mary St. James, a woman who was literally deemed less attractive than a moose. “This whole situation reminds me of Miss Maine 2013, when a conniving rabbit tricked the judges into trading the winner’s prize for magic beans.”
Neither Anita Saltlick nor any other members of the moose community could be contacted for comment. It appears she has receded back into the woods from whence she came, depriving us of her startling beauty.
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