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English Teachers Open Bowling Alley “Hyper-Bole”

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 6, 2018

Last Thursday, a trio of smug English teachers from Brunswick High announced the grand opening of a new bowling alley in Cooks Corner. The literary-sporting venue will be named “Hyper-Bole: The Best Bowling in the World.”

While the trio has yet to step foot inside of an actual bowling alley, some members of the group have nearly died from excitement for the idea. Mrs. Coburn, one of the trio of troublesome teachers, and a graduate of Occidental College, is certain the alley will be a success.

“The “Hyper-Bole” will clearly be an appositive addition to the community and bring similes to the faces of all local bowlers,” she said. “People will be happy, like the population of Omelas.” Continue reading “English Teachers Open Bowling Alley “Hyper-Bole”” →

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Bowdoin Accepts Record Low 10 Students to Class of 2022

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 2, 2018

Over the past few years, it has become more and more difficult to earn a spot in Bowdoin’s first-year class. In 2016, the College’s acceptance rate was a record low of 14.3%. That record was broken in 2017, when just 13.4% of applicants were offered admission. Neither of these records, however, compare to 2018’s astonishingly low statistic, when Bowdoin offered spots in the Class of 2022 to just ten students. Continue reading “Bowdoin Accepts Record Low 10 Students to Class of 2022” →

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Kevin Bacon’s Foot Literally Comes Loose (Get it? He was in 1984’s Footloose)

By ARCHER THOMAS Mar. 30, 2018

Last week, Kevin Bacon revealed that his foot — get this! — his foot actually came loose. Just like Footloose, right? Just like his most successful movie! (Well, if you don’t count A Few Good Men and Apollo 13.) I’ll tell you what, if that happened to me, if my foot just plopped off like a moldy goiter, I’d be pretty Apollo’d, too! Ha! Get it? Like the word “appalled.” Continue reading “Kevin Bacon’s Foot Literally Comes Loose (Get it? He was in 1984’s Footloose)” →

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First Year Eats Student Digest

By ELEANOR MILDENSTEIN Mar. 26, 2018

After facing several excruciating days of constipation, first-year student Tina Pierce ate Friday’s Student Digest in hopes of alleviating the pain.

“I had been feeling strange ever since I ate the vegan cheese burritos in Moulton on Tuesday,” said Pierce. “I was spending upwards of 8 hours on the toilet a day, but still nothing.” 

Pierce claims to have tried every toilet on campus in hopes that the change in scenery would help. On Friday night, while experimenting with the Baxter bathroom, Pierce had an epiphany.

“I knew I would be stuck for a while, so I pulled out my phone. When I ran out of people to stalk on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace, and ChristianMingle, I opened the Mail app,” Pierce explained. “I saw the email from digestengine@bowdoin.edu hidden between a job offer to be a Mystery Shopper and an email from the Bursar’s office that I’ve been too scared to open. Something told me it would be the solution I’ve been looking for – a way to fix my digest engine.”

Pierce reports that the Student Digest, while helpful, did not live up to the usual standards of Bowdoin dining. 

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Yesterday May Have Been International Women’s Day, but Don’t Forget Saturdays Are for the Boys

By BROOKE VAHOS Mar. 9, 2017

I’m sure we all saw the Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook posts celebrating the so called “magic” of women yesterday for International Women’s Day. Sure, it was great, but is anyone going to address the elephant in the room? While women are awesome and all, it still stands that the world revolves around men. Plain and simple. Continue reading “Yesterday May Have Been International Women’s Day, but Don’t Forget Saturdays Are for the Boys” →