By BEN WONG Feb. 6, 2018
Local café Wild Oats has decided to open a new branch for Bowdoin students: Sexiled Oats. Annexed to the original Wild Oats, the shelter will provide free 24-hour beds, pillows, and entertainment to any Bowdoin student whose roommate can’t seem to stop fornicating while blasting “Bump N’ Grind” by R. Kelly on repeat. Continue reading “Local Café Opens New Refuge for Students: Sexiled Oats”
By JACOB BASKES Feb. 5, 2018
After the Patriots’ 41-33 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LII, residents of Bowker house invited a large group of friends to finish their homework before Monday morning classes. Continue reading “Bowker Hosts Late-Night Study Session Following Super Bowl”
By AINE LAWLOR Feb. 2, 2017
Michael Tucker gave his weekly State of Smith Union address yesterday, with much more sarcasm than usual. Specifically, Tucker brought campus attention to the overwhelmed state of the game-room that is currently a temporary package distribution center. (For reference, this is the room in Smith with ping pong tables, but no paddles, balls, or people. Continue reading “Michael Tucker Delivers State of Smith Union Address: “THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY PACKAGES””
By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Feb. 1 2018
After a week of sleeping on his friend’s futon, area man Reese S. Peanutbuttercup has developed a crick in his neck that has skyrocketed to number two on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Mr. Peanutbuttercup had been cracking his neck all week during his stay with childhood friend and Grammy Award-winning producer Swizz Beats. Continue reading “Sound of Man Cracking Neck Reaches #2 on Billboard Charts”
By SAM HALPERT Jan. 30, 2018
Upon receiving Chief Registrar Martina Duncan’s email yesterday, sophomore
Katherine Jarvis mounted a table in Thorne and loudly declared a Mathematics and
Asian Studies double major to the student body. Continue reading “Student Declares Major Loudly in Thorne”
By CHRISTIAN FILTER Jan, 29, 2018
Multiple sources have reported that the only thing preventing the first floor of Maine Hall from completely falling apart is the 22nd season of The Bachelor.
This season of ABC’s hit romance reality series features Arie Luyendyk Jr., the thirty-six year old returning for his second shot at love, as the eligible bachelor. Continue reading “Newest Season of the Bachelor Only Thing Keeping Freshman Floor Together”
By AINE LAWLOR Jan. 26, 2018
Chegg is providing students with much more than books this Spring semester.
The textbook rental and online study service is sending free samples of Red Bull and Tide laundry pods along with book orders to students across the country this semester. Many — YouTubers and ‘social influencers’ especially — are rejoicing. Continue reading “Chegg Sends Tasty Snacks With Book Orders”
By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Jan. 24, 2018
After an estrangement of 15 years, 42-year-old dad and part-time Rick Moranis impersonator Willard Isaacson offered an olive branch to 16-year-old daughter and full-time asshole Kimberly Isaacson by agreeing that “dads suck.” Continue reading “Insecure Dad Reconnects with Angsty Daughter, Both Agree Dads Suck”
By SUMMERS ASKEW Jan. 22, 2018
Students return from winter break this week as classes resume for the Spring semester.
For some, the return comes after a five-week Netflix binge, avoiding everyone from high school at their local Target and pretending they’ll have enough time when they get back to school to find an internship. Continue reading “Students Back from Abroad Return to “Shithole Country””
By DANIEL RALSTON Dec. 14, 2017
As winter break approaches, college students are getting ready to head home. Visiting home is a great time for students to spend time with family, revisit high school romantic relationships, and above all, brag about the amazing time they are having at college.
Continue reading “First-Year Pumped to Tell Friends At Home He’s Having the Best Time at College”
The Bowdoin Harpoon 