By NATHAN ASHANY Oct. 14, 2017

Bearded sophomore Leo Whiteman was seen yesterday reading a copy of James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake in the middle of the VAC Art Library, reportedly for pleasure.

“It’s a pretty tough read, which is probably why it’s not on the syllabus of any offered courses at Bowdoin,” Whiteman said to the room in general, unprompted. “I decided to add it to my personal reading list that I keep on the inside cover of my pocket-sized black Moleskin notebook, and the rest is history.”

Whiteman, who located himself centrally in the second-floor arts library, says that he often reads such difficult seminal works “purely for pleasure.” He said his literary prowess increased after attaining his non-prescription Warby Parker glasses from a free trial offered in one of his favorite podcasts.

“There’s nothing better than sitting with a nice, long book surrounded by like-minded intellectuals who can see you reading it,” Whiteman continued, his bare feet slipping in and out of his Birkenstocks with his glasses perched low on the bridge of his nose.

When the VAC is too crowded, Whiteman listed the Café sofas and Brunswick’s Little Dog Coffee Shop as his favorite alternate locations. He added that he “takes his coffee black,” but that it’s “not a big deal or anything.”

Whiteman’s fellow Reed House members noted that he is a “complete fucking asshole,” and that “they’re working on it.”

By HUGO HENTOFF Oct. 13, 2017

Sophomore Jacob Sloan is considering a career in interior decorating after tossing a scarf over his desk lamp and transforming his dorm room into a Parisian fuck palace.

“My first year here was pretty uneventful vis-à-vis having hot, steamy sex,” said Sloan, “and I realized it was simply due to the lighting in my room. Who could possibly get wet under harsh florescent overhead lights? Draping the vintage scarf my grandmother made me over my desk lamp makes my room look like an anything-goes, masquerade-themed orgy is pretty much inevitable.”

Sloan plans to further sexify his 140 sq. ft. thrust cave with vintage movie posters, oriental rugs that match his new drapes, and an assortment of tasteful black and white nudes, which Sloan says will surely make hypothetical female visitors, “cream their jorts.”

Sloan’s hall mate Brock Ward has chosen to approach his room décor differently. “I like to keep all the handles I drink and put them on my windowsill so everyone knows how sick I am at drinking,” he commented. “I also hung up an American flag and some football jerseys, which everyone thinks is really dope.”

While Ward’s door is usually closed with a sock around the knob, Sloan leaves his open so that the women in his dorm can see that he owns a lamp with a scarf over it. “When I saw Jacob’s lamp I was sure we could probably deeply connect over our mutual love of foreign films and vests,” said dorm mate Kate Flax, “but Brock didn’t try so hard, so I fucked him next to a pile of old pizza boxes. C’est la vie.”

By HUGO HENTOFF Oct. 5, 2017

Members of the student band 20/20, who notably made Burn happen earlier this year, have confirmed that they are now just one more College House performance from The Big Time.

“I’m really stoked on all the hookers and blow that we’ll get to buy with our Big Time cash,” said the band’s lead bassoonist Kendall Knight. “Until now, we’ve had to settle for warm Natty Lites and rhythmless hand jobs on the Reed dance floor.”

“The biggest gig we’ve alt-rocked so far has definitely been opening for Smallpools at Ivies,” said background Glockenspiel player James Diamond. “In just a few weeks, I know we’ll be ready for the large pools. Is that weird? We’ll be ready for the big- uh – the big- big time pools. The big time large pools. Fuck it; you know what I mean. Just write it up so I sound cool.”

The band fuses aspects of heavy metal, gospel choir, children’s lullabies sung ominously in horror movie trailers, honky-tonk blues, and forlorn homeless men playing harmonica in boxcars to cultivate their eclectic sound. It’s that sound, along with just one more killer show at Quinby or Mac or whatever, that’s going to take them all the way to The Big Time.

Semi-electric bagpiper and lead chanter Logan Mitchell commented that when the band makes it big and goes off to California, he’s excited to start abusing prescription medications to cope with stardom— just with friends at Big Time Hollywood music parties at first, but eventually progressing to the point where the pill becomes the only thing that gets him out of bed in the morning, and the only thing that can get him to sleep at night. When his addiction gets in the way of the music and he gets kicked out of the band, he says, he’s optimistic that he’ll be able to get his act together, flush his pills down the toilet, reunite with his daughter, and write a new hit song that will show his band mates that he’s truly changed. Mitchell also remarked that if the whole music thing doesn’t work out, he “might go into finance or something.”

20/20’s last show at Helmreich House received rave reviews from a diverse audience that ranged from some of the residents of Helmreich House to some of the friends of some of the residents of Helmreich House. “I didn’t know we were having a thing tonight, but they’re cool I guess,” said one of the band’s many groupies.

Their highly anticipated new single, a sexually explicit cover of the Full House theme song, is expected to drop later this week.

By SUMMERS ASKEW Sep. 29, 2017

Female college sophomore Summers Askew is really excited to be desired less romantically this year due to her mature age.

“I guess I’m just ready for the opportunity,” said the decrepit, wrinkled old hag. “The attention I was getting was beginning to be too much. It’s nice to have a break from it all.”

The common phenomenon of aging woman being desired less than younger, fresher, more recently packaged meat dates back centuries, and is especially relevant in college dating culture. The start of a new school year means that only first-year women are exciting and interesting to boys on campus.

“The anonymity is refreshing. My thoughts are with any and all first years who have to brave the year ahead,” Askew said. “If any women out there want to experience peace, if only for a fleeting moment, my Class of 2020 t-shirt and its accompanying walker can be rented out at the Smith Union information desk.”

Askew is currently single and getting really into Planet Earth on Netflix.​