By SARA BARONKSY April 12, 2016

Scientists believe they have discovered over 10 formerly unknown individuals in your grade after attending the all-sophomore career-planning meeting in Pickard Theater.

Prone to, “sitting in the back,” and only attending events that are “mandatory,” this newly discovered species is being called, “probably on the swim team.”

“It amazes me that so much of Bowdoin is still unknown,” said head of research, Kelly Ryan. “These individuals aren’t like anyone we’ve seen before. I’m so excited to discover even more people who you will certainly never have a conversation with after seeing them this one time.”

The newly discovered people display a diverse array of human features, such as hair, eyes, mouths, and noses. They boast a variety of interests including sports, clubs, jobs, and majors, none of which overlap with yours.

After the career-planning meeting, sightings of the newly discovered people have been rare. Researchers warned, “we probably won’t see any of these little guys again until graduation. Maybe Ivies, if we’re lucky.”

Image Source: https://www.operationaware.org/programs-services.aspx

By CALLYE BOLSTER April 11, 2016

The Bowdoin Outing Club has been the subject of heavy scrutiny following its alleged mismanagement of campus funds. In response to criticisms, the BOC has opted to reject all future funding from the college.

“From now on, we will be living off the fat of the land,” said Outing Club director Mike Woodruff. “We will no longer be reliant on the college’s funds.” For its transportation needs, a group of Outing Club members have already begun an initiative to capture and train wild stallions to bring students out into the Maine wilderness. The Eastern Maine Highway Patrol refused to comment on this use of their roads.

Many campus organizations have shown enthusiastic support for the BOC’s decision to break ties with the Student Activities Funding Committee. The Bowdoin Organic Gardening Club has already donated an acre of soil to help support the BOC’s marijuana fields, a potential vacuum of funding in the past.

The Bowdoin Outing Club’s lack of funding does not appear to worry the organization’s members. “Honestly, the soggy wood we use for food now doesn’t taste too different from the stale Snickers Bars we used to eat,” said one member. “And a few tongue splinters never killed anyone.”

By PAUL GARLICK April 11, 2016

Baxter residents were excited to unveil the world’s first ice skating rink made entirely out of frozen beer last weekend. The rink, located in Baxter’s basement, uses only locally sourced materials — all the beer was already on the basement floor before the rink was built.

“The rink was kind of an accident,” said Baxter resident Spencer Gobbler. “I forgot to close the front door after our Wednesday night campus wide and, when I woke up the next morning, the inch-and-half of spilled basement beer was frozen solid.”

“The decision to never clean our House really paid off,” said another Baxter resident. “If we had ever mopped up the mixture of beer, vodka and various bodily fluids that’s coated our basement floor since the fall, this magical ice rink would never have been created.”

Although the ice rink is open to the larger Bowdoin community, attendance has been low, due largely to the inability of Baxter residents to eliminate the basement’s smell.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 18, 2016

Residents of the greater Boston area have begun the process of forming a sovereign nation, Just Outside of Boston.

“We are tired of being marginalized by the USA,” said Logan McNamara, a JOB resident. “People will ask you where you are from and you’ll tell them, Just Outside of Boston, and then the oppression begins. We have had enough.”

Designing the flag has proven to be the most difficult endeavor for the new nation. Some have proposed simply flying a pair of salmon shorts from a flagpole, while others have suggested a design depicting a pair of a Sperrys below a Canada Goose coat, denoting the two seasons of JOB.

When Just Outside of Boston residents were told they would now need passports to travel from JOB to Nantucket, many supporters completely dropped the agenda.

Image Source: http://theodysseyonline.com/suny-geneseo/dress-like-frat-boy/283391

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 18, 2016

In the latest scandal to sweep campus, the Bowdoin Men’s Hockey Team has been accused of appropriating the culture of 2004 era white girls.

Spokesperson Regina George first brought the issue to the forefront when she spoke out against the hockey team. “Creating a table that only one social group could sit at was our idea and is a vital building block of our unique culture. It is an absolutely essential piece of our social fabric that retains a deep significance within our community. The hockey team has chosen to completely disregard this.”

“There is not even one 2004 white girl represented on the hockey team,” said Gretchen Wieners, another 2004 white girl. “I bet not a single hockey player has ever even talked to a 2004 white girl, let alone befriend one.”

In response to critics, Bradley Packer, the hockey team captain, said, “We have a right to free expression and we aren’t going to let the haters stop us from doing our thing.”

Image Source: http://meangirls.wikia.com/wiki/The_Plastics

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 15, 2016

“Gay Bash” posters hung up throughout the Bowdoin campus have left students wondering whether the school will be sponsoring a queer themed party or a hate crime next weekend.

“I don’t think that Bowdoin would allow flyers that advocate the bashing of homosexuals,” said one student, “but a lot of things in this poster point to that. For example, there’s a period instead of an exclamation point after the ‘Be There’ so it seems more determined than excited, which is worrisome.”

“There isn’t much else to do on Friday nights,” said another student, “so I’m probably going to at least stop by. I’d prefer not to participate in a hate crime, but I’m a pretty open-minded guy, so I might try it.”

While the “Gay Bash” posters have been subject to heavy controversy around campus, the “Gangsters and American Indians” dress-up party next Saturday is expected to be a huge success.