by SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sep. 25, 2019
A new report conducted by eighth grader Robbie Stamps has found conclusively that the Great Depression, the worst economic downturn in the history of the industrialized world, was “very sad.”
Continue reading “Report by Eighth Grader Finds Great Depression “Very Sad””
by GRACE CARRIER Sep. 23, 2019
As the third week of college came to a close, students finally saw the bright, shining faces of prospies around campus. Yet as the Admissions Office recruited new polar bears, the rest of us had to suffer through a Dry Weekend™️.
Continue reading “First Year Realizes That He Has No Real Friends During Dry Weekend”
by WILL HAUSMANN Sep. 23, 2019
Bowdoin College and the Brunswick Fire Department partnered last Wednesday to host a demonstratively smoky and less demonstrative demonstration fire on the Coe Quad. While the fire’s biggest success was asphyxiating everyone in Moore trying to sleep through their 11:40 class, most students seemed nonplussed by the fire, expecting something bigger, hotter, and more fiery. Luckily for the College, the fire “accidentally” engulfed Dudley Coe, a building that had been slated for demolition in 2020.
By PATRICK LYNOTT Sep. 19, 2019
The recent launch of Bowdoin’s partnership with Handshake, a community-based site for job postings and networking, has provided a venue for many students to connect with potential employers.
For one unfortunate student, however, the process has been a little less gratifying. Jebediah Sprout, class of ‘21, told the Harpoon that he had trouble identifying the correct URL. Citing “an inability to read effectively and a frank reluctance to learn,” he instead found himself perusing an adult website.
“It must have been autocorrect, because I would never associate myself with such a demeaning website,” said Jebediah, who somehow also managed to enroll himself in a yearly plan on the adult website. “That kind of stuff just isn’t me. My intention was to learn how to network and connect with alumni, not scroll through thumbnails of people spanking it. And by ‘it’ I mean a pale Bulgarian prostitute with breast implants.”
Sprout, who is obviously a liar with no interest in being employed, says his thoughts about joining Handshake and his future are complicated: “On one hand, having a job would be great, but on the other… is my own penis. Do you see what I’m saying?”
Sprout can often be seen in sweatpants, sitting in the back of each of his classes, dimming the brightness of his laptop any time someone looks over at him, claiming he just doesn’t want others to see his “professional network.”
By JACK SHANE Sep. 18, 2019
Inspired by the United Kingdom’s tumultuous withdrawal from the European Union, the students of Stowe Inn have decided they’ve had enough. In a recent press release, a quorum of students living in the already geographically isolated Stowe Inn have proposed a so called “Stexit,” which would end their current economic relationship with Bowdoin College.
by LIA KORNMEHL Sep. 16, 2019
This week, first years were treated to hour long conversations with Randy Nichols, Bowdoin’s revered Executive Director of Safety and Security. He covered a wide range of topics, including safe drinking, fire safety, and his extensive experience with law enforcement. However, some students just weren’t satisfied after the mandatory sit down. We know, you have more questions that Randy and the 36 MyStudentBody questionnaires didn’t get to. So, in no particular order, here’s what Randy didn’t tell you on that unseasonably hot Wednesday night.
Continue reading “7 Things Randy Didn’t Tell the First Years During the Mandatory Safety Meeting”
by DAN RALSTON Sep. 13, 2019
Sophomore Ralph Deeps was feeling pretty good upon returning to campus after leading the Saddleback F BOC O-Trip. He was relishing in the superiority he felt over the eight first years on his trip, and he figured he would have at least one month on campus to bask in this false dominance.
by BLAINE STEVENS September 9, 2019
Note: this article has been edited. Please contact us directly with any concerns at thebowdoinharpoon@gmail.com
This past Wednesday, the Office of Residential Life announced ground-breaking new changes to the college’s event registration system with an addition to the A-Host system. Calling the changes “innovative” and “much needed,” Residential Life has stated that lower-tier College Houses will now have to abide by the new B-Host system and will be banned from using the well-known A-Host system.
Continue reading “New B-Host System to Replace A-Host System in Lower-Tier College Houses”
By JACOB BASKES Sep. 4, 2019
The new Park Row Apartments mostly opened to 88 lucky students on Sunday, marking the end of what was originally a 16-month project—completed in just 12. The apartments were built using just three quarters of the money that peer institutions spend on similar projects, and include only three quarters of the flooring, plumbing, and furnished bedrooms seen in those same developments.
Continue reading “Park Row Opens At 75% Cost, 75% Completion”
by ETHAN BENVINGTON May 1, 2019
Surprising any student who has been in a campus building during their Bowdoin career, the Bowdoin College Russian Department is seriously convinced their poster campaign is going to get more students into the department this time around. Seriously.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 