By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Feb. 1 2018
After a week of sleeping on his friend’s futon, area man Reese S. Peanutbuttercup has developed a crick in his neck that has skyrocketed to number two on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Mr. Peanutbuttercup had been cracking his neck all week during his stay with childhood friend and Grammy Award-winning producer Swizz Beats. Continue reading “Sound of Man Cracking Neck Reaches #2 on Billboard Charts”
By SAM HALPERT Jan. 30, 2018
Upon receiving Chief Registrar Martina Duncan’s email yesterday, sophomore
Katherine Jarvis mounted a table in Thorne and loudly declared a Mathematics and
Asian Studies double major to the student body. Continue reading “Student Declares Major Loudly in Thorne”
By CHRISTIAN FILTER Jan, 29, 2018
Multiple sources have reported that the only thing preventing the first floor of Maine Hall from completely falling apart is the 22nd season of The Bachelor.
This season of ABC’s hit romance reality series features Arie Luyendyk Jr., the thirty-six year old returning for his second shot at love, as the eligible bachelor. Continue reading “Newest Season of the Bachelor Only Thing Keeping Freshman Floor Together”
By AINE LAWLOR Jan. 26, 2018
Chegg is providing students with much more than books this Spring semester.
The textbook rental and online study service is sending free samples of Red Bull and Tide laundry pods along with book orders to students across the country this semester. Many — YouTubers and ‘social influencers’ especially — are rejoicing. Continue reading “Chegg Sends Tasty Snacks With Book Orders”
By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Jan. 24, 2018
After an estrangement of 15 years, 42-year-old dad and part-time Rick Moranis impersonator Willard Isaacson offered an olive branch to 16-year-old daughter and full-time asshole Kimberly Isaacson by agreeing that “dads suck.” Continue reading “Insecure Dad Reconnects with Angsty Daughter, Both Agree Dads Suck”
By SUMMERS ASKEW Jan. 22, 2018
Students return from winter break this week as classes resume for the Spring semester.
For some, the return comes after a five-week Netflix binge, avoiding everyone from high school at their local Target and pretending they’ll have enough time when they get back to school to find an internship. Continue reading “Students Back from Abroad Return to “Shithole Country””
By DANIEL RALSTON Dec. 14, 2017
As winter break approaches, college students are getting ready to head home. Visiting home is a great time for students to spend time with family, revisit high school romantic relationships, and above all, brag about the amazing time they are having at college.
Continue reading “First-Year Pumped to Tell Friends At Home He’s Having the Best Time at College”
By JACOB BASKES Dec. 13, 2017
Ahead of finals week, the College has been urging students to work in groups of three or more to fulfill its vision for the “Bowdoin Experience”.
Continue reading “College Encourages Group Work During Breeding Period”
By SANDRO COCITO Dec. 12, 2017
A liberal witch hunt is being directed at GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore, and it shows liberal HYPOCRISY at its finest. The respected former Alabama judge is being absolutely hounded for his taste in women, which is frankly just hypocritical coming from the party of TRANSGENDER BATHROOMS and TAXES. Continue reading “Heartwarming! Southern Gentleman Roy Moore Goes Door-to-Door Introducing Himself to New Neighborhood”
By ARCHER THOMAS Dec. 10, 2017
For almost everybody, Christmas is about giving. Everybody, that is, except the Jolly Old Elf himself, St. Nicolas, who recently declared in an op-ed in the North Pole Journal that “fiscal responsibility is the greatest gift one can receive” and that bloated holiday spending has turned low-income children into “welfare ho-ho-hoes.” Continue reading “Trickle-Down Santa Gives Shittier Gifts to Poor Kids”
The Bowdoin Harpoon 