All, U.S.

Only 90s Kids Will Get Evicted From Their Homes Because of Crippling Levels of Student Debt

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 22, 2017

The 90s were a glorious time of consistent economic growth, great young adult literature, and flawless animated television. Times were simpler. Children played outside and drank from the hose instead of playing on their iPhones while sipping Kombucha. Now, all the children of this Golden Generation are saddled with unprecedented levels of college debt.

Only 90s kids will remember planning their whole life playing MASH and failing to predict the rising price of college that would cause them to take on soul crushing debt.

MASH

Only 90s kids will remember buying books from the scholastic books fair handout instead of saving to pay the interest on student loans.Scholastic

Only 90s kids will remember using a paper fortune teller to pick their spouse, who they had no idea would be kidnapped from what they thought was their home in the dead of night when Jimmy Nugs the loan shark came to collect.

Fortune TellerOnly 90s kids will remember how cool Heelys were and wish they had them now to escape from debtors’ prison.Heelys

Only 90s kids will remember wanting more than anything to be slimed on a Nickelodeon program, but now just want a home, or at least a clean cell.

SONY DSC

All, Bowdoin

Senior Holds Skype Interview In Just Dress Pants

By JACOB BASKES Sep. 21, 2017

Senior Economics major Alex Canton participated in a Skype interview this week wearing nothing but navy blue slacks from J.Crew.

Skype Background
  A screenshot of one of Canton’s more successful interviews

The interview was held on Saturday morning at 9:00 AM, meaning Canton, who had partied off-campus until 3:00 AM the previous night, was still incredibly high, hungover, and hungry. These factors combined in a perfect storm to cause his outfit faux pas. Canton was interviewing for a position with JPMorgan Chase, but, according to Canton, “Once I saw my bare chest on the monitor I knew it wouldn’t be a long interview.”

To make matters worse, the senior lost a bet the night before and was forced to shave his chest hair to read, “I like dicks, and also finance is stupid.” Canton believes it was the second half of the phrase that caused the interviewer the most distress.

Canton is not expecting to move on to the second round of interviews, but has not lost all hope yet. “You never know. Sometimes they’re looking for people who stand out, and it’s always great to start with a bong. I mean, bang.”

All, Bowdoin

BSG Passes Sanctions on North Korea

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 20, 2017

In an effort to curtail the aggressive expansion of North Korea’s nuclear program, the Bowdoin Student Government has passed a vicious round of sanctions against the authoritarian dictatorship.

The BSG and North Korea have been engaged in an increasingly heated show of force over the past few months while North Korea has continued to test nuclear missiles in violation of international law and the Bowdoin Code of Conduct. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has poured billions of dollars into his country’s nuclear program while the BSG has also devoted a sizable portion of its budget for the current fiscal year into putting up some strongly worded posters around campus. It is unclear whether or not the posters will succeed in swaying the dictator.

170109135700-kim-jong-un-20170101-full-169
     If sanctions, speeches, and posters can’t stop him, what will?

In a press conference, the official spokesperson for the BSG, senior Freddie Tonkel, proclaimed, “BSG is ready to rain fire and fury down upon North Korea. We are locked and loaded and ready to take drastic measures.”

While Tonkel refused to clarify the precise meaning of “drastic measures,” some have speculated that he is referring to cancelling Korean Barbecue Tuesdays in Moulton.

 

All, World

ISIS Pleasantly Surprised by Order of Bath Bombs

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 18, 2017

Members of ISIS stationed near the Turkish border were pleasantly surprised by an order of bath bombs this week.ISIS Pleasantly Surprised

“We thought they were bombs specifically designed to blow up bathtubs,” said one member. He continued, “We really wanted to combat the whole ‘you’re more likely to die in a bathtub than in a terrorist attack narrative.’ What we got instead turned out to be so much better. It has really kept spirits high even after losing control of Mosul.”

“My personal favorite is the ‘Cheer Me Up Buttercup.’ The blend of citrus really just brightens my mood and makes me feel completely rejuvenated,” said another. “I would be lying if I didn’t say I am a little disappointed I have not had the chance to use the ‘Sex Bomb.’”

“We have never been so prepared to purify our skin and purify the Earth of the stain of infidels,” said the team’s leader.

All, U.S.

Hurricane Taylor On Course to Hit Rock Bottom

By SUMMERS ASKEW Sep. 15, 2017

Hurricane Taylor, a storm sourced from a young girl who’s had her heart broken one too many times, is currently on course to hit rock bottom this fall.

“We just don’t know what to do,” said local listener Chad Michael. “Everything was so pleasant – so innocent – so tolerable – and now this? What did we do to deserve this?”

Hurricane Taylor
                                                              Uh oh.

As the storm approaches, stores around the country are selling out of supplies needed to survive the natural disaster. Local business owner Michael Murray has noticed that Lorde’s Melodrama and Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. have been especially popular. “At this point people will stock up on anything. Even the Julia and Julia soundtrack is sold out.”

The storm is forecasted to affect half the nation, with Florida receiving the most serious blows. Taylor Swift’s new album reputation will be released on November 10, 2017.

All, U.S.

Ted Cruz Gives In, Finally Has to See What Sex Looks Like

By SANDRO COCITO Sep. 13, 2017

Former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz caused quite a stir Monday night when he favorited a pornographic tweet from his public Twitter account. This came as a surprise to many, as most people thought Cruz, 46, was exclusively aroused by 19th century furniture.

FILE: Ted Cruz Expected To Make Bid For Presidency
         “Does anyone have a Wet-Nap? My hands are disgusting”

When asked for comment, Cruz stated he “had to do it” since he “had never seen the glorious miracle of creation before.”

“It was such a pure, beautiful, intimately human moment. I just had to share it,” he added, while glancing over to the bukake playing on an iPad next to him.

When pressed about his two daughters, Cruz waved his hands in exasperation, stating, “that whole thing” was “besides the point.” He went on to say that he has “learned that there is only one Reality King: Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

He provided no further comment.

All, Maine

I Am The Best Skier On The Mountain So Fuck You

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 12, 2017

Yeah, you heard me. I’m sick at skiing. You’re not as sick as me. Go fuck yourself.

Oh, did you not know I was sick at skiing? Don’t worry; I’ll talk about it all the time. I’ll talk about it loudly at the beginning of class so you can hear me. I’ll talk about it at the end of class too. If you’re lucky, the professor will even ask me to talk about it during class. I’ll do it even if he doesn’t ask. I’ll talk about it in the dining hall. I’ll talk about it when we’re having sex. I’ll even talk about it at my aunt’s wake.

I Am the Best Skier on the Mountain
                          Jesus Goddamn Christ, I’m so fucking rad

Now that you know I’m sick at skiing, let me be more specific: I crush it on a regular basis. I crush groomers. I crush parks. I crush backcountry glades that would make you cry and laugh and poop all at the same time.

Do I have a sweet GoPro? Yes. Do I get sweet footage of me crushing every run of the day? No doubt. Will I release a fire edit at the end of the season with kickass Skrilex mixes, excessive amounts of slow-mo, and an embarrassing amount of footage of me not being sick at anything? Fuckin’ right I will. Will I aggressively promote this mediocre content until you want to stab me? I’m not God so I don’t know, but bring it on.

I love danger.

All, Bowdoin

Student Successfully Navigates Interaction With Guy He Had Class With Once

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 11, 2017

Upon returning to campus, sophomore Greg Rollins successfully interacted with a guy who sat near him in an anthropology class last semester.

“He just came up to me in Moulton and went for a hug and then started asking about my summer,” said Rollins. “I don’t even remember speaking to him last semester, but he knew exactly which nonprofit film studio I worked for.”

Student Successfully Navigates
                            “I don’t have to talk to anyone else today”

“I almost panicked when I stopped explaining my summer and he just stared at me. Thank god I thought to ask him if he had a good summer. I was really on a roll, so I asked him if he was going to take anymore anthropology classes and then feigned interest in his rant about how he felt sociology called to him.”

Rollins plans on spending the rest of the semester in his Brunswick apartment to avoid similar interactions.

All, Bowdoin

7 Things to Do with Your Semester After Intro to Computer Science

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 9, 2017

Having trouble figuring out what to do with all your free time after taking a fun, collaborative course in computer science last semester? We can help! Here are 7 things you can do with your life after taking Intro to Computer Science. 

1: Go Abroad

Let’s be honest. You will probably have to take a semester off after this class, so you may as well spend it somewhere that isn’t your childhood bedroom.

2: Learn to Bake

This will come in handy at your J-Board meeting; everyone loves baked goods and you need all the help you can get!

3: Go for a Run

Excercise will help clear your head and serve as a metaphor for how you avoid personal responsibility by running away from your problems and various shortcomings.

4: Masturbate

You’re going to have a lot of time, so might as well, right?

5: Spend Time With Your Friends

Odds are you had some help in Computer Science, so your friends will probably have some time on their hands too. This will be a great time to deepen your relationships.

6: Read Infinite Jest

If you made it past masturbating and are already bored, what more do you have to lose? You may as well read this fucking book so you can talk to the other six assholes on campus that have read it.

7: Learn Python

You signed up for the class, so you may as well get what you set out to get out of the class, even it things didn’t go as planned the first time around.

All, Bowdoin

Returning Student Has Charming Conversation With P-MSSQL2014-IN2-INST2

By JACOB BASKES Sep. 8, 2017

Upon returning to campus, sophomore Karen Pratt had a lovely email correspondence with P-MSSQL2014-IN2-INST2, Bowdoin’s Mail Center package notification system.

Returning Student Has Charming Conversation
                                   The heart wants what the heart wants

Pratt received a welcome surprise upon seeing a message in her inbox on Sunday, and responded by thanking the automated system for his generosity throughout the years. “Should we maybe take this to the next level?” she asked at one point in her email. “All you have shown me is kindness, and I haven’t yet had the opportunity to give you anything in return,” she continued, before asking if the inanimate figment of the internet would be available in the Mail Room after 5:00 PM.

When Pratt did not receive a response within the hour, she immediately ordered a bouquet of flowers from Amazon with one-day shipping. The next day, she seemed to be expecting a lovely gift from her electronic crush.