All, U.S.

Man Checks Privilege, Finds Lump

By HUGO HENTOFF April 11, 2016

During his monthly privilege check, local man Terry Flanderson was horrified to discover a lump.

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                           Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

“Thank god I checked my privilege when I did,” said Flanderson. “The doctors say if I hadn’t caught the lump so soon, I might be dead right now.”

While public health officials advise every American to check their privilege a minimum of once a month, some patients are recommended to check even more frequently. “High-risk individuals — generally white, cisgender, men — should be checking their privilege once a week at the very least,” said Doctor Ron Phillips, a privilege specialist. “If these men also happen to be heterosexual or have an annual income of greater than $97,500, they should be checking their privilege multiple times a day.”

“Don’t end up like Taylor Swift or the Bowdoin Men’s Hockey team,” said Flanders. “If someone tells you to check your privilege, do it. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”

All, Maine

Brunswick Fire Department Receives Report of Actual Fire

By ETHAN BEVINGTON April 11, 2016

House-on-Fire-lowIn a rare occurrence, the Brunswick Fire Department responded to a call about an actual fire in town last Thursday night.

“We generally are not confronted with these sorts of situations,” said one fireman with the department. “We typically spend a great deal of time perfecting our technique for sliding down the pole to get to the engines, so as to optimize speed.”

Not used to receiving reports of actual fire, the Brunswick Fire Department Chief called the burning home back twice to confirm that it was not a prank call. “You just never know with kids these days,” the chief said. “Sometimes they’re joking about a non-existent fire, and sometimes they’re burning to death.”

The firefighters were slow to arrive on the scene, citing an empty gas tank and a few misplaced helmets as their main obstacles. The team also stopped at 7-11 beforehand to acquire the nutritious snacks and energizing beverages needed to fight fire.

Forty-three minutes after receiving the 9-1-1 call, the Brunswick firefighters drove to the address they were given, only to discover they were, in fact, pranked. “There was no burning house,” said one firefighter. “There wasn’t even a house. There was just an empty lot filled with ash, smoldering coals, and a few charred skeletons. It’s infuriating that someone would waste our time like this.”

 

Image Source: http://matthewbryant.blogspot.com/2012/09/burning-down-house.html

All, Bowdoin

BOC Rejects Future Funding, Members to Live Off Fat of the Land

By CALLYE BOLSTER April 11, 2016

The Bowdoin Outing Club has been the subject of heavy scrutiny following its alleged mismanagement of campus funds. In response to criticisms, the BOC has opted to reject all future funding from the college.

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                           Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

“From now on, we will be living off the fat of the land,” said Outing Club director Mike Woodruff. “We will no longer be reliant on the college’s funds.” For its transportation needs, a group of Outing Club members have already begun an initiative to capture and train wild stallions to bring students out into the Maine wilderness. The Eastern Maine Highway Patrol refused to comment on this use of their roads.

Many campus organizations have shown enthusiastic support for the BOC’s decision to break ties with the Student Activities Funding Committee. The Bowdoin Organic Gardening Club has already donated an acre of soil to help support the BOC’s marijuana fields, a potential vacuum of funding in the past.

The Bowdoin Outing Club’s lack of funding does not appear to worry the organization’s members. “Honestly, the soggy wood we use for food now doesn’t taste too different from the stale Snickers Bars we used to eat,” said one member. “And a few tongue splinters never killed anyone.”

All, Bowdoin

Skating Rink Made Entirely of Frozen Beer Opens in Baxter Basement

By PAUL GARLICK April 11, 2016

Baxter residents were excited to unveil the world’s first ice skating rink made entirely out of frozen beer last weekend. The rink, located in Baxter’s basement, uses only locally sourced materials — all the beer was already on the basement floor before the rink was built.

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                         Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

“The rink was kind of an accident,” said Baxter resident Spencer Gobbler. “I forgot to close the front door after our Wednesday night campus wide and, when I woke up the next morning, the inch-and-half of spilled basement beer was frozen solid.”

“The decision to never clean our House really paid off,” said another Baxter resident. “If we had ever mopped up the mixture of beer, vodka and various bodily fluids that’s coated our basement floor since the fall, this magical ice rink would never have been created.”

Although the ice rink is open to the larger Bowdoin community, attendance has been low, due largely to the inability of Baxter residents to eliminate the basement’s smell.

 

All, Maine

Motivational Poster Inspires Serial Killer to Strike Again

By HUGO HENTOFF April 10th, 2016

Ryan Anderson murdered his fifteenth victim last Saturday, making him the most prolific serial killer in Maine’s history. Anderson attributes his record-breaking homicide to the motivational poster hanging in his basement.

“After I had dismembered the sixth blond woman who looked vaguely like my mother, I was exhausted,” said Anderson. “I didn’t think I could keep going. Then, as I was washing large intestine off of me, I saw that poster. I thought to myself, ‘If that cat can keep hanging on, then I sure as heck can keep making skin suits out of Caucasian women.’”

Motivational Poster
            Anderson’s Inspirational Poster

Poster Palace Incorporated, the maker of Anderson’s motivational poster, has been attempting to distance itself from the serial killer. “Poster Palace Incorporated does not condone mass murder,” said one executive. “Poster Palace Incorporated would like to extend its condolences to the families of the victims of Ryan Anderson. Poster Palace Incorporated has always inspired individuals through motivational posters, but it acknowledges the inherent risk in not knowing what the individuals are being inspired to do.”

To avoid further misuse of their motivation, Poster Palace Incorporated has opted to change its slogan, which know reads, “Poster Palace Incorporated: Inspiring Americans to Follow Their Non-Murder Related Dreams Since 1917.”

All, World

NRA Begins Arming Children to Fight Hunger in Africa

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 18, 2016

In a shocking new development for the organization, the National Rifle Association has chosen to take their agenda to the international stage and is now arming African children in their fight against hunger.

“When I learned that hunger kills nearly 17,000 children in Africa each year, I was appalled,” said Wayne LaPierre, an NRA executive. “If these children were armed, none of this would ever happen. We’re giving these kids guns so that they can finally take a stand against the bastard that has killed so many innocents”

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A delighted African child posing with his new best friend

After receiving an AR-15, one child in Chad said, “What is this?” Another in Togo said, “I can’t eat this,” while his brother inquired about the next time he would receive clean water or food.

The NRA plans on airdropping boxes of arms directly into villages so as to allow universal access to safety. These boxes will include instructions in both English and Spanish that condenses the strenuous four-hour training course required to obtain a firearm in America into a few concise statements.

In an effort to remain eco-friendly, bullets for these guns will be made from recycled background checks.

 

Image Source: http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/child-soldiers-which-are-worst-countries-recruiting-underage-fighters-1453833

All, Bowdoin

“Just Outside of Boston” to Become Independent Country

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 18, 2016

Residents of the greater Boston area have begun the process of forming a sovereign nation, Just Outside of Boston.

“We are tired of being marginalized by the USA,” said Logan McNamara, a JOB resident. “People will ask you where you are from and you’ll tell them, Just Outside of Boston, and then the oppression begins. We have had enough.”

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The revolutionary leaders of Just Outside of Boston

Designing the flag has proven to be the most difficult endeavor for the new nation. Some have proposed simply flying a pair of salmon shorts from a flagpole, while others have suggested a design depicting a pair of a Sperrys below a Canada Goose coat, denoting the two seasons of JOB.

When Just Outside of Boston residents were told they would now need passports to travel from JOB to Nantucket, many supporters completely dropped the agenda.

 

 

Image Source: http://theodysseyonline.com/suny-geneseo/dress-like-frat-boy/283391

All, Bowdoin

Hockey Team Appropriates 2004 White Girl Culture

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 18, 2016

In the latest scandal to sweep campus, the Bowdoin Men’s Hockey Team has been accused of appropriating the culture of 2004 era white girls.

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A recent photograph of the Bowdoin Men’s Hockey Team

Spokesperson Regina George first brought the issue to the forefront when she spoke out against the hockey team. “Creating a table that only one social group could sit at was our idea and is a vital building block of our unique culture. It is an absolutely essential piece of our social fabric that retains a deep significance within our community. The hockey team has chosen to completely disregard this.”

“There is not even one 2004 white girl represented on the hockey team,” said Gretchen Wieners, another 2004 white girl. “I bet not a single hockey player has ever even talked to a 2004 white girl, let alone befriend one.”

In response to critics, Bradley Packer, the hockey team captain, said, “We have a right to free expression and we aren’t going to let the haters stop us from doing our thing.”

 

Image Source: http://meangirls.wikia.com/wiki/The_Plastics

 

All, Bowdoin

Students Unsure if “Gay Bash” Posters Advertise Party or Hate Crime

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 15, 2016

“Gay Bash” posters hung up throughout the Bowdoin campus have left students wondering whether the school will be sponsoring a queer themed party or a hate crime next weekend.

Gay Bash Poster“I don’t think that Bowdoin would allow flyers that advocate the bashing of homosexuals,” said one student, “but a lot of things in this poster point to that. For example, there’s a period instead of an exclamation point after the ‘Be There’ so it seems more determined than excited, which is worrisome.”

“There isn’t much else to do on Friday nights,” said another student, “so I’m probably going to at least stop by. I’d prefer not to participate in a hate crime, but I’m a pretty open-minded guy, so I might try it.”

While the “Gay Bash” posters have been subject to heavy controversy around campus, the “Gangsters and American Indians” dress-up party next Saturday is expected to be a huge success.

All, Bowdoin

Student Watches Pornography in Protest of Bowdoin’s New IT Policies – Protests Five Times in One Day

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 11, 2016

In response to the Bowdoin IT department’s new security policy prohibiting the viewing of pornography on the school’s Wi-Fi network, student activist, Dan O’Connell, has been visiting numerous X-rated websites as a form of protest. O’Connell sometimes expresses his dissent five times in a single day.

“Dan is an inspiration,” said Trevor Mitchel, O’Connell’s roommate. “The sheer stamina and force of will needed to protest for so long and so often is astonishing. I’ve started doing my homework in the library so I don’t disturb him while he protests.”

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“Protesting has taught me so much,” said O’Connell.

While this is O’Connell’s first demonstration to garner media attention, he says he has been a devoted activist for years. “I began to experiment with protest in middle school. An older boy in the neighborhood was an activist and he used to take me to the woods behind his house and show me how to protest. I miss those days. I love protesting alone, but there’s really nothing like protesting with a friend.”

O’Connell is determined to continue protesting until the IT department repeals their new security policy. “I am prepared to protest six, maybe even seven times a day if it means exposing the injustice of the pornography ban. I may even continue protesting after the ban is lifted.”

 

 

Image Source: http://sibdepo.ru/reading/novosti-surovosti-23-29-oktyabrya.html