By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019
After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”
Continue reading “Trump Moves Troops to Wisconsin to Protect Cheese Curds”
by JACOB BASKES October 9, 2019
On Wednesday morning, the student-run Bowdoin Entertainment Board announced new “campus celebrity” playlists to improve its interactions with the student body. This week’s featured guest is President Clayton Rose, whose top picks include Travis Scott’s “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” and Post Malone’s “Sunflower”.
Continue reading “President Rose’s Spotify Playlist Features Travis Scott, Post Malone”
by HOLLY LYNE October 8, 2019
BREAKING NEWS: From an undisclosed whistleblower in New York City, the Harpoon has been informed 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg was spotted drinking a Frappuccino out of a plastic cup and straw. Thunberg allegedly enjoyed her grande vanilla bean coffee while leaving the UN Climate Summit on September 23, where she reminded Republican politicians that driving cars is a dirty joke, but sailing across the ocean is woke.
Continue reading “Climate Activist Greta Thunberg Spotted Using Plastic Straw”
by HADLEY JEVON Oct. 7, 2019
Many candidates for BSG positions promise cheaper laundry and more Gucci Mane in college house basements. First year Gretta Yump, on the other hand, went above and beyond in her efforts to make Bowdoin a more welcoming environment by advocating for more elevated surfaces for students to dance on.
Continue reading “Student runs for BSG on platform of platforms: More elevated surfaces on which students can dance”
by Theo Danzig October 4, 2019
JUUL labs was embroiled in controversy this past week, amid claims that its newest pod flavor, Breastmilk, is targeted toward infants. The FDA has sought to ban the breastmilk pods, claiming that their primary consumers are babies. JUUL’s lawyers argue that the breastmilk pods are intended for nicotine users of all ages.
Continue reading “JUUL Denies Breast Milk Pods Targeted at Infants”
by LIA KORNMEHL Oct. 2, 2019
No one was surprised when, after a few moments of grunting, pushing, and eye rolling, Nancy Pelosi announced a formal impeachment inquiry concerning President Donald Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president.
by JACOB BASKES Sep. 30, 2019
As part of its semesterly Library Party, the staff of the Hawthorne-Lonfellow Library and other libraries on campus invited emotional support children to give students a “well-needed study break” yesterday.
Continue reading “Emotional Support Children Brought to Calm Students in HL”
by SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sep. 25, 2019
A new report conducted by eighth grader Robbie Stamps has found conclusively that the Great Depression, the worst economic downturn in the history of the industrialized world, was “very sad.”
Continue reading “Report by Eighth Grader Finds Great Depression “Very Sad””
by GRACE CARRIER Sep. 23, 2019
As the third week of college came to a close, students finally saw the bright, shining faces of prospies around campus. Yet as the Admissions Office recruited new polar bears, the rest of us had to suffer through a Dry Weekend™️.
Continue reading “First Year Realizes That He Has No Real Friends During Dry Weekend”
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