Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

All November 1, 2017November 1, 2017

Student Found Dead After Failing to Forward Halloween Chain Text to 10 Spooky Sluts

By SHONA ORTIZ Nov. 1, 2017

Beloved first year Jamie Sullivan was found dead Tuesday night after failing to send a Halloween chain text to 10 of her closest friends.

While studying in Smith Union on Monday, Sullivan received the message from a classmate urging her to forward it along to her friends or face the consequences. Witnesses say she opened it, but then immediately dismissed it as “something that’s like, so totally fifth grade” and failed to forward it. However, less than 24 hours later, Sullivan’s body was found by a jogger at Farley Field surrounded by mini packs of Skittles and with a Jack-o-Lantern on her head. An anonymous note left at the scene of the crime read “Trick or treat, bitch.”

In response, Randy Nichols advises students to take extra precautions this upcoming holiday season. “I would recommend forwarding messages to at least twenty friends for upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas. And don’t let your guard down Veterans’ Day either. Keep your phone on max volume and vibrate if you really want to be safe.”

When asked for comment, the student who forwarded Sullivan the text, Jessa Gallagher, replied, “I always forward chain texts just to be safe. And I mean, it said ‘Or else.’ It did warn her. That was a chance I didn’t feel comfortable taking. Clearly I was right. And Jamie was the spookiest slut I know.”

All October 31, 2017October 31, 2017

Humanitarian Crisis Deepens As Thorne Runs Out of Vegan Desserts

By JACK ARNHOLZ Oct. 31, 2017

BRUNSWICK – As the Brunswick Blackout worsens, Thorne’s food supply has reportedly been depleted. Entering day two of the crisis, many students say they cannot find any vegan desserts in the dining hall.

“I live for Sin City,” said Junior Nancy Goldstein. “When Dining announced it was all eaten, I took a deep breath and headed to the Specials Fridge. When I got there, however, there was only Jello left. You know, they make Jello out of horses.”

While the Harpoon cannot confirm that Jello is made from horses, Goldstein and other Bowdoin Outing Club members protested the lack of vegan desserts by singing a rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” in front of the dining Hall.

“I think it went well,” said Senior Vince Schwalb, who provided piano accompaniment. “We’re in dire straits, you see. Everyone loves Journey. People love Journey almost as much as we love vegan desserts. Also, everyone really loved our performance. We received rousing applause from all our friends, and when I told my mom about it on the phone, she said it sounded nice.”

Thorne Hall’s spokesperson told the Harpoon that Dining apologizes for the lack of vegan desserts; however, they said, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’d like to see Moulton do this.”

All, Bowdoin October 31, 2017October 31, 2017

Humanitarian Crisis Worsens As Thorne Runs Out of Vegan Desserts

By JACK ARNHOLZ Oct. 31, 2017

As the Brunswick Blackout worsens, Thorne’s food supply has reportedly been depleted. Entering day two of the crisis, many students say they cannot find any vegan desserts in the dining hall.

“I live for Sin City,” said junior Nancy Goldstein. “When Dining announced it was all eaten, I took a deep breath and headed to the Specials Fridge. When I got there, though, there was only Jello left. You know, they make Jello out of horses.”

“I think it went well,” said senior Vince Schwalb, who provided piano accompaniment. “We’re in dire straits, you see. Everyone loves Journey. People love Journey almost as much as we love vegan desserts. Also, everyone really loved our performance. We received rousing applause from all our friends, and when I told my mom about it on the phone, she said it sounded nice.”

Thorne Hall’s spokesperson told the Harpoon that Dining apologizes for the lack of vegan desserts; however, they said, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’d like to see Moulton do this.”

All October 30, 2017January 5, 2018

Gone Too Far: Eco-Reps Shut Off Brunswick Power

By JACOB BASKES Oct. 30, 2017

In an unprecedented move, a group of Eco-Representatives shut off the Brunswick’s power overnight in an effort to save large amounts of energy.

Monday marks one of the final days of Sustainable Bowdoin’s October Energy Competition, a yearly event that challenges students to shower less, refrain from washing their clothes for an entire month, or do anything that a normal person would want to do. This year, however, the competition was pushed even further when the organization broke into the local power plant and cut off the power completely.

Under the cover of a hurricane-like storm with 50 mph winds, the Eco-Reps cut off power for up to twenty thousand local residents, leaving many outside the Bowdoin community to suffer from Sustainable Bowdoin’s dictatorial agenda. One resident said, “I’m not really sure what to do now that I can’t dry my hair while watching Stranger Things and heating up water in the electric kettle in my extremely well-lit living room. It’s a real shame.

Students and professors alike enjoyed a day off from classes, postponing the inevitable reality of yet another painful week.

All October 29, 2017

Bowdoin IT Blocks Porn, Student Body Stands Erect

By DANIEL RALSTON Oct. 29, 2017

In a recent development, Bowdoin IT has blocked all online pornography sites. “All these different fetishes have just gotten really annoying,” says Bowdoin IT Director Fukan Richard. “I couldn’t keep up; first it was foot fetishes, now we’ve started seeing searches for polar bears dominating mules. I just had to block it all, otherwise it would have consumed me.”

This move has not been popular with the student body. At first, faculty noticed that male students seemed to be carrying Milky Way bars in their pockets. A few days later, irritability, tenseness, and fidgetiness ensued. “One dude was fishing around in his pocket for at least an hour during a gender studies class,” one student observed.

“Look, I’m not twelve, I’m not gonna just wack off to my own thoughts,” said disgruntled sophomore Brian Kallens. “This is a serious crisis for all men, and I guess women too, although I have no fucking idea how they even do that.” Many students have been pitching tents outside of the President’s office in protest.

Still, the move has been welcomed by the Bowdoin Art Museum, which is planning on having a new exhibit on Historic European Erotic Painters. “What a great time to put to use those single person non-binary bathrooms!” said one curator.

All, Bowdoin October 28, 2017October 28, 2017

Mother Relives College Days, Spends 13 Straight Hours in HL

By JACOB BASKES Oct. 28, 2017

While visiting her daughter during Family Weekend, Mariah Aarons attempted to relive her college days by spending all of Saturday in the Hawthorne-Longfellow library.

Aarons attended Cornell University, where she went to a total of three and a half parties. The remainder of her weekends were spent holed up in the library, a practice she repeated while visiting her daughter this weekend. “Family Weekend is a great time to reminisce about what we parents loved the most about college,” said Aarons. “For example, like, staying up until 5:00 AM to finish a civics paper.”

If you give a man a book, he’ll eat for a day. If you teach a man to read, he’ll fish for the rest of his life.

Security reported that when they attempted to remove Aarons from the library, she vomited immediately. “I always loved pulling that one at Cornell,” said the post doctorate mother of three. “They’d say it was closing time and I’d make myself throw up, and while they waited for somebody to come and check on me, I’d crank out another paragraph or two.”

Sophomore Sofia Aarons, who has twenty nine presentations, sixty papers, and four hundred and three exams to study for next week, is excited to be spending so much of Family Weekend with her mother.

All October 25, 2017

To Promote Inclusivity, Campus Equality Officers Put Up “We Do Not Tolerate Love” Posters

By ELIZA JEVON Oct. 25, 2017

In response to the BSG’s “We Do Not Tolerate Hate” posters, Bowdoin Equality Officers recently put up posters with the phrase, “We Do Not Tolerate Love” in order to promote campus wide inclusivity. Bowdoin Equality Officers report that the token campus goths and emos not only felt neglected, but personally attacked by the original posters.

One campus goth who wished to remain unnamed commented, “Love is possibly one of the most hurtful and inexcusable inventions on the planet. Do you know how many people have died for love?”

When asked about the explicit bias incident to which the posters responded, he said, “what society refuses to acknowledge is the bias of prolific love graffiti in bathroom stalls. Why must ‘AB’ and ‘ES’ – grotesquely encircled by a heart – be allowed to profess their love on every public surface? They stab their eternal love into me like a pitchfork into hay.”

Another goth agreed. “The sexual innuendos in bathrooms burn my soul,” he said with quiet intensity, “I don’t even pee in bathrooms anymore…the Commons wilderness is more accommodating.”

Yet some Equality Officers say that their efforts have not gone far enough. “What about the people who don’t care about anything?” one spokesman demanded. “The apathetic and nihilistic have voices too!” Reports indicate the officers are immediately printing and displaying “We do Not Tolerate Any Kind of Emotion” posters to address the issue. The posters should be up later this week.

A rally for like, things in general, will be held next Sunday. Event organizers predict an emotional roller coaster.

All, Bowdoin October 24, 2017October 24, 2017

Floormates Connect Over Simultaneous Poop in Adjacent Stalls

By DAVID FIX Oct. 24, 2017

Although reclusive first year student Steve Johnson often feels uncomfortable during intimate, excrement-related interactions, he recently found himself in one of these unfortunate situations with a football player from down the hall. “I typically avoid putting myself in awkward and vulnerable positions,” Johnson admitted, “but you know, shit happens.”

Johnson continued, “I walked into the bathroom, and, as soon as I took a whiff, I knew I was not alone. Usually, I would have left, constipated myself, and come back later, but this time it was very clear: I would have to embark upon that seemingly endless journey into the vacant stall, strategically place toilet paper onto the seat, and sit down. After a few minutes, grunting emanated from both of us, and, in our excremental harmony, I realized we weren’t so different, him and I. Immediately following the culminations of our fecal journeys, our feet touched in the space under the wall and I realized that maybe we’re more alike than I had ever thought.

Reflecting on the experience, Johnson noted, “even though we have virtually nothing else in common, in that moment, we were just two of God’s creatures, shitting our brains out, and that was enough for us. I will never forget those five minutes with Greg. Best five minutes of my life.”

All October 23, 2017

Student Swiping into Thorne Reminded Guac Is an Extra Swipe

By ARJUN MEHTA Oct. 23, 2017

To the dismay of students, Dining Services announced today that guacamole will now cost an extra meal swipe at Thorne. Student Swiping Into Thorne

Guacamole, colloquially shortened to “guac,” is a popular Mexican condiment that was smuggled over the wall decades ago by curious San Diegans. Now served in homes and restaurants across the United States, guacamole is an all-American favorite made from mashed avocado (those big green berries with pits), onion, and exotic spices.

Some students speculate that the decision stems from the uniquely laborious and expensive avocado mashing process employed by Dining Services. To ensure that each serving of guac is mashed to perfection, student employees empty crates of peeled and pitted avocados into industrial-size bathtubs. After removing their shoes, these dedicated workers stomp on the guac-to-be, letting the mush curl between their toes until it reaches the desired texture. Food critics call this texture, “mouth feel.

Initial reports indicate that the extra meal swipe is absolutely not worth the lackluster, anticlimactic mouth feel the guac has to offer.

All, Bowdoin October 22, 2017

Man at Ladd Perfects Golden Ratio: Half on Toilet Seat, Half on Floor, Half on Someone’s Face

By JACK REED Oct. 22, 2017

Inebriated student Matt Snyder replicated Euclid’s ‘Golden Ratio’ in the Ladd House bathroom last weekend. According to one student, it resulted in “a fucking mess.”

For decades, Math majors and other sexless intellectuals have tried to perfect what is, perhaps, Euclid’s most notable contribution to our understanding of the modern party bathroom. Until Snyder, nobody had come close to a proper recreation of Euclid’s work.

“Well, in all honesty, I’m usually a peeing with the seat up, stream down the side of the bowl kind of guy—tidy stuff,” said Snyder when asked about his methods, “but that night, my bladder was at critical mass, and there was this first-year from Hyde who was totally hogging the toilet, puking or blacking out or whatever. I couldn’t risk another public urination charge, so I had no other choice but to barge in there, unzip, close my eyes, and let the spirit of Euclid take the reins.”

Snyder can be found in most College House basements applying Thales’ Theorem to kegs or arranging beer pong cups according to Pascal’s Triangle.