By SARA BARONKSY April 12, 2016

Scientists believe they have discovered over 10 formerly unknown individuals in your grade after attending the all-sophomore career-planning meeting in Pickard Theater.

Prone to, “sitting in the back,” and only attending events that are “mandatory,” this newly discovered species is being called, “probably on the swim team.”

“It amazes me that so much of Bowdoin is still unknown,” said head of research, Kelly Ryan. “These individuals aren’t like anyone we’ve seen before. I’m so excited to discover even more people who you will certainly never have a conversation with after seeing them this one time.”

The newly discovered people display a diverse array of human features, such as hair, eyes, mouths, and noses. They boast a variety of interests including sports, clubs, jobs, and majors, none of which overlap with yours.

After the career-planning meeting, sightings of the newly discovered people have been rare. Researchers warned, “we probably won’t see any of these little guys again until graduation. Maybe Ivies, if we’re lucky.”

Image Source: https://www.operationaware.org/programs-services.aspx

By CALLYE BOLSTER April 11, 2016

The Bowdoin Outing Club has been the subject of heavy scrutiny following its alleged mismanagement of campus funds. In response to criticisms, the BOC has opted to reject all future funding from the college.

“From now on, we will be living off the fat of the land,” said Outing Club director Mike Woodruff. “We will no longer be reliant on the college’s funds.” For its transportation needs, a group of Outing Club members have already begun an initiative to capture and train wild stallions to bring students out into the Maine wilderness. The Eastern Maine Highway Patrol refused to comment on this use of their roads.

Many campus organizations have shown enthusiastic support for the BOC’s decision to break ties with the Student Activities Funding Committee. The Bowdoin Organic Gardening Club has already donated an acre of soil to help support the BOC’s marijuana fields, a potential vacuum of funding in the past.

The Bowdoin Outing Club’s lack of funding does not appear to worry the organization’s members. “Honestly, the soggy wood we use for food now doesn’t taste too different from the stale Snickers Bars we used to eat,” said one member. “And a few tongue splinters never killed anyone.”

By PAUL GARLICK April 11, 2016

Baxter residents were excited to unveil the world’s first ice skating rink made entirely out of frozen beer last weekend. The rink, located in Baxter’s basement, uses only locally sourced materials — all the beer was already on the basement floor before the rink was built.

“The rink was kind of an accident,” said Baxter resident Spencer Gobbler. “I forgot to close the front door after our Wednesday night campus wide and, when I woke up the next morning, the inch-and-half of spilled basement beer was frozen solid.”

“The decision to never clean our House really paid off,” said another Baxter resident. “If we had ever mopped up the mixture of beer, vodka and various bodily fluids that’s coated our basement floor since the fall, this magical ice rink would never have been created.”

Although the ice rink is open to the larger Bowdoin community, attendance has been low, due largely to the inability of Baxter residents to eliminate the basement’s smell.