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All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin IT Still Too Enthralled by Front Page to Fix All the Other Problems with bowdoin.edu

by WILL HAUSMANN Jan. 29, 2019

Nearly two months after the launch of the new website, bowdoin.edu remains riddled with functionality problems. The Harpoon went to the dark, scary depths of the Coles Tower basement to do some investigative reporting on Bowdoin IT’s problems. After redirecting a group of first years looking for a party in 13C, we found the windowless enclave of Bowdoin IT.  Continue reading “Bowdoin IT Still Too Enthralled by Front Page to Fix All the Other Problems with bowdoin.edu” →

All, Miscellaneous, Op-Ed, World

Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break

by  BROOKE VAHOS and ELIZA JEVON Jan. 24, 2019

Hailing from Vancouver originally, Remington the Goose decided it was time for a change of scenery.  He so hated wearing his threadbare $1050 Expedition Multi-Pocket Parka Coat with Fur Hood. Drag racing his Lamborghini through the snow was getting old (he was generous enough to give his livery driver a break from time to time). So, he had Roger pack up his Louis Vuitton suitcases and book the next flight to Tijuana, Mexico. Continue reading “Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break” →

All, Bowdoin

How is your yeast infection? And 10 other questions to ask instead of how was your break.

By BROOKE VAHOS Jan. 22, 2019

It’s here, everyone’s least favorite time of year. The period where all you can talk about is the 5 agonizing, tragic weeks of winter break. To avoid the monotonous and disingenuous question “How was your break?”, our team at the Harpoon came up with 10 questions for you to ask your peers instead: Continue reading “How is your yeast infection? And 10 other questions to ask instead of how was your break.” →

All

Bowdoin 7 Now to Include Prospies, Post-Docs, and Gap-Year Students

By BROOKE VAHOS Dec. 5 2018

After a 7 hour hearing, the Student Activities Committee has announced their plan to revamp the Bowdoin 7 initiative. The Bowdoin 7 is an achievement that typically rewards those students who are too emotionally immature to build meaningful relationships. “The standard has been updated to favor students who can really lay the wood”, said Nate Hintz, director of Student Activities and certified baller. Continue reading “Bowdoin 7 Now to Include Prospies, Post-Docs, and Gap-Year Students” →

All

New Study Finds: Topical Cream Applicable to Everything

By ELIZA JEVON Nov. 28, 2018

Dr. Crema just released her latest topical cream and it is miraculously applicable to everything. She has been working on this invention for quite some time, trying to nail down the formula to get it just right. After countless hours of mixing different creamy elements in her lab (she sometimes got off topic and started mixing shampoos), she finally perfected this new cream.

You can apply this cream to everything – skin, teeth, cake, toast, pimples, unshaven skin, coffee, pudding, and even scones. Rub it on your temples while studying, apply it to that undesirable wart on your friend’s face, or eat it as a midnight snack! There are no limits to this lotion. In addition to physical objects, this cream can be applied to abstract ideas. From Confucianism to neo-liberalism, the possibilities are endless.

When asked to talk a little bit more about how her cream actually works, the ever elusive doctor responded, “Oh you know, it’s somewhere between cream cheese and a L’Oréal anti-aging revitalizer.” In order to keep the cream topical, she re-configures the formula every day to address evolving current events (be sure to stay updated and sign up for a subscription). For example: Forest fires in California – sprinkle some ash into the cream; Serial killer on the loose – toss in a few drops of blood; Congress proposes new law on healthcare – keep the formula exactly the same. There is actually a pending lawsuit from The New York Times against Crema for unnecessarily competing.

Despite begrudged newspapers, many respect Dr. Crema’s new cream as a truly groundbreaking invention. If you’d personally like to see what all the hype is about, swing by your local pharmacy, Walmart, hardware store, jail, strip club, bakery, or taxidermist and pick up a bottle for yourself. From peeling skin to breaking news, this cream truly covers everything.

All

Neutering Your Dog Assumes A Lot About Its Ability to Get with Other Dogs

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By Patrick Lynott Nov. 27, 2018

I know what you’re thinking. “He’s just writing this so he can make some ‘doggystyle’ joke.” Grow up. I’m angry.

Oh? You think your Bernese mountain dog is sexier than my Labradoodle? You think it’s just gonna be pawing around all willy-nilly, impregnating any half-decent terrier that’ll hold still long enough? Do you honestly believe that if you don’t castrate your canine right now that it’s just instantly bound to father a litter of puppies? Is this entire piece going to be a nonstop series of angry, rhetorical questions?

First off, let’s talk about how strange it is that practically every dog running around nowadays is a eunuch. People are taking one good look at their puppy and saying, “This dog is simply too hot to live with a penis.”

The ego you must have to assume that your dog is that hot is beyond me. I have a friend who got her Shih Tzu spayed after a year! A year. What kind of dog has one-year-old game? That is some straight-out-of-the-womb-let-me-sniff-that-ass game; no one has that kind of game. Except for Air Bud. He can get it.

“Well technically, in dog years, they’re seven.” Um. Were you procreating in 3rd grade? No. You were sucking on Gogurt like everyone else, not genitalia. In, fact you’re the only one really teaching your dog how to attract mates. This dog takes its social cues from you. You’re its only role model. And you’re sort of a loser.

Let’s consider this. You’re pretty average when it comes to mating. You can hide behind the dog filter on Snapchat as well as anyone (pun intended, and well-executed), but you’re not exactly getting biblical every weekend. Just this morning, you saw that person you liked in your ES lab at breakfast and you actually dribbled apple juice onto your sweater while trying to muster a “hey.” You are about as smooth as a sandpaper slide, so why do you think your dog is any different?

Do you think when you come home to your beagle that you are just exuding sex appeal? I don’t think your precious little corgi would be dry humping so many human legs if it were satisfied with its sex life. It’s 2018! Open relationships are cool now, so go ahead and let your Golden retrieve some ass.

Let your dog keep its cock and spaniels, and let ‘em hit it. Missionary style. There it is. I said it.