Category: All

All, Bowdoin

70% of People Who Get Express Just Don’t Have Lunch Plans

by AINE LAWLOR and ARJUN MEHTA Jan. 30, 2019

Bowdoin students love talking about how busy they are. Everyone says they “are absolutely swamped” and “have to grab Express,” but we all know what that really means: they don’t have enough friends to schedule a lunch and they don’t have have guts to walk into Moulton and take a seat at a table alone. They are just getting that bagged lunch so they can go home and let their confidence sink lower than the quality of the Express cookies. Continue reading “70% of People Who Get Express Just Don’t Have Lunch Plans” →

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin IT Still Too Enthralled by Front Page to Fix All the Other Problems with bowdoin.edu

by WILL HAUSMANN Jan. 29, 2019

Nearly two months after the launch of the new website, bowdoin.edu remains riddled with functionality problems. The Harpoon went to the dark, scary depths of the Coles Tower basement to do some investigative reporting on Bowdoin IT’s problems. After redirecting a group of first years looking for a party in 13C, we found the windowless enclave of Bowdoin IT.  Continue reading “Bowdoin IT Still Too Enthralled by Front Page to Fix All the Other Problems with bowdoin.edu” →

All, Miscellaneous, Op-Ed, World

Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break

by  BROOKE VAHOS and ELIZA JEVON Jan. 24, 2019

Hailing from Vancouver originally, Remington the Goose decided it was time for a change of scenery.  He so hated wearing his threadbare $1050 Expedition Multi-Pocket Parka Coat with Fur Hood. Drag racing his Lamborghini through the snow was getting old (he was generous enough to give his livery driver a break from time to time). So, he had Roger pack up his Louis Vuitton suitcases and book the next flight to Tijuana, Mexico. Continue reading “Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break” →

All, Bowdoin

How is your yeast infection? And 10 other questions to ask instead of how was your break.

By BROOKE VAHOS Jan. 22, 2019

It’s here, everyone’s least favorite time of year. The period where all you can talk about is the 5 agonizing, tragic weeks of winter break. To avoid the monotonous and disingenuous question “How was your break?”, our team at the Harpoon came up with 10 questions for you to ask your peers instead: Continue reading “How is your yeast infection? And 10 other questions to ask instead of how was your break.” →

All

Bowdoin 7 Now to Include Prospies, Post-Docs, and Gap-Year Students

By BROOKE VAHOS Dec. 5 2018

After a 7 hour hearing, the Student Activities Committee has announced their plan to revamp the Bowdoin 7 initiative. The Bowdoin 7 is an achievement that typically rewards those students who are too emotionally immature to build meaningful relationships. “The standard has been updated to favor students who can really lay the wood”, said Nate Hintz, director of Student Activities and certified baller. Continue reading “Bowdoin 7 Now to Include Prospies, Post-Docs, and Gap-Year Students” →

All

New Study Finds: Topical Cream Applicable to Everything

By ELIZA JEVON Nov. 28, 2018

Dr. Crema just released her latest topical cream and it is miraculously applicable to everything. She has been working on this invention for quite some time, trying to nail down the formula to get it just right. After countless hours of mixing different creamy elements in her lab (she sometimes got off topic and started mixing shampoos), she finally perfected this new cream.

You can apply this cream to everything – skin, teeth, cake, toast, pimples, unshaven skin, coffee, pudding, and even scones. Rub it on your temples while studying, apply it to that undesirable wart on your friend’s face, or eat it as a midnight snack! There are no limits to this lotion. In addition to physical objects, this cream can be applied to abstract ideas. From Confucianism to neo-liberalism, the possibilities are endless.

When asked to talk a little bit more about how her cream actually works, the ever elusive doctor responded, “Oh you know, it’s somewhere between cream cheese and a L’Oréal anti-aging revitalizer.” In order to keep the cream topical, she re-configures the formula every day to address evolving current events (be sure to stay updated and sign up for a subscription). For example: Forest fires in California – sprinkle some ash into the cream; Serial killer on the loose – toss in a few drops of blood; Congress proposes new law on healthcare – keep the formula exactly the same. There is actually a pending lawsuit from The New York Times against Crema for unnecessarily competing.

Despite begrudged newspapers, many respect Dr. Crema’s new cream as a truly groundbreaking invention. If you’d personally like to see what all the hype is about, swing by your local pharmacy, Walmart, hardware store, jail, strip club, bakery, or taxidermist and pick up a bottle for yourself. From peeling skin to breaking news, this cream truly covers everything.