Category: Miscellaneous

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, World

Things I Didn’t Miss About Bowdoin While Being Abroad

by STAFF WRITER | Feb 1st, 2024

By one of the thirty women you know who just got back from their semester in Europe 

Last semester, I studied abroad in [insert bougie country here], and here are some things I absolutely did not miss about Bowdoin:

  • The shockingly dry chicken at the dining halls 
  • Paying $7.89 for a head of lettuce at Hannaford if I decide to cook at home 
  • Opening Grubhub and getting two options (that being Watami and… no that’s actually it, right?)
  • Getting catcalled by the teenagers of the Brunswick High School in their dad’s pick up truck while I’m walking down South street
  • Seeing NARPs wearing shorts in 20 degree weather. Bonus points if it’s a man on the swim team with shaven legs.
  • Getting kicked out of an HL study room at 7pm by a math major who claims to have reserved it for the next 5 hours 
  • Bowdoin computer updates every other day
  • The Orient 
  • Walking into class and seeing that one guy who speaks exactly like ChatGPT would if it was a real person, or that one girl who raises her hand to answer every question with random buzzwords she learned on TikTok
  • Dropping a class because I’m too dumb for it, then joining a new one only to learn that the professor is the “king of cold calls”
  • Ripping Celsius to the point where I feel like I’ve just smoked crack, but really I just have a pile of homework bigger than the average econ professor’s ego
  • Mud season
  • Long line at the mail center
  • Getting yelled at in the mail center to have my student ID ready when it’s literally in my hand
  • Finally getting a biweekly paycheck from working a student job on campus only for it to be like $80
  • Working so hard on an assignment just to get a B- 

There are, however, some things I did actually miss about Bowdoin:

  • Once, I saw a 65 year old man at the beach wearing nothing but a thong, and I just feel like that would never happen at Bowdoin. I didn’t even study abroad in France. 
  • Wearing sweatpants wherever I want while still remaining a part of the norm
  • Cheap drinks at Thursday night Bolos 
  • The Harpoon 
All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Confectionary Contraception: My Safe Sex Saga

by STAFF WRITER  | Jan 30th, 2024

This past weekend I did something that I never thought I’d do: have sex. I know what you’re thinking, a hot sexy guy like me (take my word for it) with a quick wit and a kind heart (I promise) should have no problem finding someone to copulate with. Sadly, it seems that the old adage is true: nice guys always finish last. That is, until this weekend. I was posted up at lighthouse chatting up an absolute ten from my writing seminar, and I worked up the courage to ask her to come back to my room. And get this… she said yes! On the walk back, however, a terrible realization crossed my mind: I don’t have any condoms. “That should be no problem,” an average observer such as yourself might think, “Your proctor definitely has a whole array of sex-related paraphernalia at the ready.” I was once so naïve. As I approached my proctor’s door, I reached into what I thought was the condom bowl only to come out with a handful of candy. Who replaces a condom bowl with a candy bowl?!? Nevertheless, I was determined to finally lose my v-card, so I knew I had to get creative. I opened up a pack of whoppers and I had a revelation. This small, cylindrical wrapper might have been made for three chocolate balls, but that night they would be used for other balls. Luckily, I’m not the most well-endowed fellow (I’m on track), so it was a perfect fit. We ended up having the best thirteen seconds of my life followed by three and a half minutes of cuddling before I kicked her out. All in all, I wouldn’t recommend a whopper wrapper condom, but it’ll do in a pinch. Stay safe out there, bears.

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, Op-Ed

Safa Zaki Found Wandering Aisles of Target 

by ISA FERNANDEZ  | Jan 30th, 2024

Guys, I think we ruined Safa Zaki. I was wandering around the Topsham Target, buying things I honestly shouldn’t, considering I have all of $1.62 in my bank account and (despite my numerous petitions) Target doesn’t take Polar Points, when I saw our president riding one of those electric scooters, with no regard for her safety or that of others, hurling half frozen pizzas at unattended children (Chaos Theory: new recruit?). After a swift dive to grab the mouthwash she was guarding, I could hear her cackling and muttering about “those damn gift cards.” Apparently, those weren’t phishing emails! President Zaki really did need our phone numbers for an assignment, the assignment being purchasing some $200 in Target gift cards to buy her hot girl things™. I guess Bowdoin doesn’t pay its faculty nearly as much as we thought it did (considering our $2.4 billion endowment last year), and President Zaki has been forced to turn to us, the student body, for help. Without the finances she so desperately needed, she lost her mind and claimed a new home within the walls of the Topsham Target. Needless to say, I did not want to be the one to anger President Zaki, so I got the fuck out of there.

I asked one of those soulless Target employees about our president’s new home. According to him, she’s been a complete nuisance to the store. Customers have been forced to listen to her recite her email from memory, begging them for their numbers from the toilet paper roll throne she has fashioned in the southwest corner of the store. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see another disgruntled employee using a spray bottle to get President Zaki out of a bag of Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish sitting on a shelf. You truly hate to see a diva down like that. She’s become a sort of folk tale to the Topsham residents, who now call her Rat Queen Zaki. Ok, girlboss, we see you!

I guess the moral of the story is to never EVER trust the Bowdoin IT department (fuck you guys for making me update my Mac all the time), and congratulations, President Zaki, on becoming Topsham Target’s new Rat Queen!

Note: Bowdoin is, once again, hiring a new president to take her place as she rules the linoleum aisles of Target, and (completely unrelated) Target is hiring an exterminator.

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

I’m sooooo Close to Joining Bowdoin Edges

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Oct 21st, 2023

As winter quickly approaches, I am looking forward to participating in the seasonal festivities Bowdoin College has to offer. I will frolic in the snow, make the trek to the lighthouse for some underwhelming functions, and maybe even delight in a warm cup of tea (coffee gives me anxiety.) I am also veryyyyy excited to join the ice skating club, Bowdoin Edges.

I am so so so close to joining Bowdoin Edges but they won’t let me… at least not yet. A week ago I emailed and I reallllyyyyy wanted to join. Literally drooling over the thought of it, I reached out to the club’s leaders and received this reply: “Hi Noah, Unfortunately, we only start meeting in late November! If you want to join Bowdoin Edges, you can come. But not yet. You’re gonna have to really, really beg. We want to see the desire in your eyes (to ice skate)!”

Fuck I want to join so bad and they know it. They know how much I want to join their club and they love making me wait. To skate across a frozen pond or the hockey rink sounds euphoric but I’m not allowed, at least not quite yet. Until November, I guess I’ll just try to skate by myself but it’s just not the same.

(As a disclaimer, the people who run and participate in Bowdoin Edges are the nicest, most innocent human beings I have encountered at Bowdoin. This is obviously why the club has never thought twice about the name and all of us who thought this article was funny should be shamed as disgusting sexual perverts. To the humble members of Bowdoin Edges, don’t change the name.. at least not quite yet.)

Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Due to budget cuts, demonstration fire burns down Dudley Coe

by WILL HAUSMANN Sep. 23, 2019

Bowdoin College and the Brunswick Fire Department partnered last Wednesday to host a demonstratively smoky and less demonstrative demonstration fire on the Coe Quad. While the fire’s biggest success was asphyxiating everyone in Moore trying to sleep through their 11:40 class, most students seemed nonplussed by the fire, expecting something bigger, hotter, and more fiery. Luckily for the College, the fire “accidentally” engulfed Dudley Coe, a building that had been slated for demolition in 2020.

Continue reading “Due to budget cuts, demonstration fire burns down Dudley Coe” →
Miscellaneous

God Reveals Himself to a Young Lost Girl — Lawsuit to Follow

by ELIZA JEVON February 12, 2019

Last Sunday, around 2:00 PM, poor little Sally Lovejoy was wandering alone in the meadow after losing her way on a family picnic. Panicked, afraid, and out of data, she was beginning to lose hope.

Then, all of a sudden, God–in all of his glorious nudity–jumped out of a bush.

Continue reading “God Reveals Himself to a Young Lost Girl — Lawsuit to Follow” →