by DAN RALSTON Oct. 28, 2019
Miles Uplook ‘20 admits that she has never been the ‘cool athlete’ or the ‘crunchy English major’. “I live a quiet life, and honestly until yesterday, nothing remarkable had ever happened to me,” said Uplook. But, on October 27th, Uplook became the first student in recent Bowdoin history to go a day without any Wifi troubles.
Continue reading “Bowdoin Student Goes Entire Day Without Wifi Trouble”
By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019
After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”
Continue reading “Trump Moves Troops to Wisconsin to Protect Cheese Curds”
by Theo Danzig October 4, 2019
JUUL labs was embroiled in controversy this past week, amid claims that its newest pod flavor, Breastmilk, is targeted toward infants. The FDA has sought to ban the breastmilk pods, claiming that their primary consumers are babies. JUUL’s lawyers argue that the breastmilk pods are intended for nicotine users of all ages.
Continue reading “JUUL Denies Breast Milk Pods Targeted at Infants”
by SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sep. 25, 2019
A new report conducted by eighth grader Robbie Stamps has found conclusively that the Great Depression, the worst economic downturn in the history of the industrialized world, was “very sad.”
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By PATRICK LYNOTT Sep. 19, 2019
The recent launch of Bowdoin’s partnership with Handshake, a community-based site for job postings and networking, has provided a venue for many students to connect with potential employers.
For one unfortunate student, however, the process has been a little less gratifying. Jebediah Sprout, class of ‘21, told the Harpoon that he had trouble identifying the correct URL. Citing “an inability to read effectively and a frank reluctance to learn,” he instead found himself perusing an adult website.
“It must have been autocorrect, because I would never associate myself with such a demeaning website,” said Jebediah, who somehow also managed to enroll himself in a yearly plan on the adult website. “That kind of stuff just isn’t me. My intention was to learn how to network and connect with alumni, not scroll through thumbnails of people spanking it. And by ‘it’ I mean a pale Bulgarian prostitute with breast implants.”
Sprout, who is obviously a liar with no interest in being employed, says his thoughts about joining Handshake and his future are complicated: “On one hand, having a job would be great, but on the other… is my own penis. Do you see what I’m saying?”
Sprout can often be seen in sweatpants, sitting in the back of each of his classes, dimming the brightness of his laptop any time someone looks over at him, claiming he just doesn’t want others to see his “professional network.”
By JACK SHANE Sep. 18, 2019
Inspired by the United Kingdom’s tumultuous withdrawal from the European Union, the students of Stowe Inn have decided they’ve had enough. In a recent press release, a quorum of students living in the already geographically isolated Stowe Inn have proposed a so called “Stexit,” which would end their current economic relationship with Bowdoin College.
by BLAINE STEVENS September 9, 2019
Note: this article has been edited. Please contact us directly with any concerns at thebowdoinharpoon@gmail.com
This past Wednesday, the Office of Residential Life announced ground-breaking new changes to the college’s event registration system with an addition to the A-Host system. Calling the changes “innovative” and “much needed,” Residential Life has stated that lower-tier College Houses will now have to abide by the new B-Host system and will be banned from using the well-known A-Host system.
Continue reading “New B-Host System to Replace A-Host System in Lower-Tier College Houses”
By JACOB BASKES Sep. 4, 2019
The new Park Row Apartments mostly opened to 88 lucky students on Sunday, marking the end of what was originally a 16-month project—completed in just 12. The apartments were built using just three quarters of the money that peer institutions spend on similar projects, and include only three quarters of the flooring, plumbing, and furnished bedrooms seen in those same developments.
Continue reading “Park Row Opens At 75% Cost, 75% Completion”
by ETHAN BENVINGTON May 1, 2019
Surprising any student who has been in a campus building during their Bowdoin career, the Bowdoin College Russian Department is seriously convinced their poster campaign is going to get more students into the department this time around. Seriously.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 