By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Nov. 11, 2017

Scientists with too much time on their hands have discovered that food porn, eye-catching, scrumptious, mouth-watering pictures of food on the internet, can also be used as eye-catching, scrumptious, mouth-watering regular pornography if you try hard enough.

To conduct this experiment, university scientists collected fifteen of the men with the thinnest moustaches in the university dining hall. They found that if the men focused on the human aspects of the pictures, and tried really, really hard, then they could get the job done in about 8 minutes. That the fact that the pictures were of food were of no consequence when the men tried really hard.

“Me and some of the guys were trying to guess what was going to be most effective. We thought that some of these traditionally sexual foods would really do it for these guys, like a banana, or two cantaloupes, or an eggplant. Maybe a handful of nuts, who knows. So I was shocked to find out that what really did it was a bag of baby carrots. Mike was the only one who called it. And because of that we called security.”

The scientists have launched a website of their findings called “babycarrotfuck.biz/nasty.”

By BEN WONG

Nov. 10, 2017

This past Friday, pop artist Quinn XCII held a stunning performance at Smith Union, to much critical acclaim. Some of his absolute bangers included, “Bach’s Quinntet in F Major, Op. 22, No. 2,” and “IamaQuinntuplet.” One self-proclaimed male “athlete-student” described the show as “out-fucking-standing bro, the music was bumping and it really got me in a mood to hit on all the freshmen.” A local parent said, “The concert was wicked fun, and he didn’t say any cuss words like that Walker Flocker guy did a couple years ago, so my kids had a blast, too!”

The musical prowess flowing from Quinn’s mouth and orifices was so astounding that the Bowdoin Entertainment Board immediately tried to reschedule him for Ivies. Unfortunately, Quinn will be on tour in Europe during Ivies weekend, so the board settled for his older brother, Super Bowl XXXCII. Super may be a little washed up, but can still throw down some oldie hits like, “Fergalicious” and “Janet’s Tit.”

Sophomore band XX/XX opened the show, announcing they will go on tour with Quinn before they make it big time, for real this time, they promise.

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Nov. 8, 2017

Local man Richard Brown claims that he has found traces of Big Foot in a heavily wooded area just off the Harpswell Sound, but is reportedly unsure of the exact location of the female clitoris.

“I was out walking my dog in the woods the other day and I found these huge footprints in the mud,” commented Brown. “At first, I thought they must have been bear tracks, but I examined them a little closer and did a little research on the Internet, and figured that they were way too big. Now I’ve got a few questions: Is Big Foot living in these woods? If so, how long has he been here? Why has the government not told anyone about this? Also, where is the clitoris?”

Brown indicated that his search gave him more questions than answers. “What does the clitoris look like? Does it smell different? Do all women have one? Do I have one?” Brown plans on further investigating Sasquatch, as well as “hopefully” doing more “research” on female genitalia.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Nov. 7, 2017

Sophomore Dennis Talwar has said that feels depressed that Bowdoin Class Confessions, a new Facebook page that aims to “shed light on student’s experiences related to socioeconomic class, race, gender, sexuality,” has more Facebook friends than he does.

“I mean I get that Bowdoin Class Confessions is trying to give a voice to those who may feel that their voice is not heard on campus,” said Talwar. “But, similarly, the only people who get to hear me talk about how Bernie would have won the election if it wasn’t for the DNC are my friends! It’s the same thing.”

Reportedly, Bowdoin Class Confessions has upwards of 1,000 friends on Facebook, while Talwar only has 883.

“It’s not that I don’t have that many friends in real life. I have a ton of friends. I have a ton of friends and some of them are even black,” Talwar said. “It’s that I don’t use Facebook that much.” Talwar, however, posted three articles last Tuesday about Jared Kushner’s emails.

When asked about his recent social media behavior, Talwar said, “The Republican Party: Party of Trump. Party of Hate. Party of Idiocy.”

By LIAM JUSKEVICE Nov. 6, 2017

In a surprising upset, a Bowdoin student overcame himself in a chess game near the entrance of Hatch Science Library last Sunday.

Chess matches in Hatch, intended for passive playing through students making moves then flipping over a paper to indicate it’s the other sides’ turn, usually take place between strangers passing through the library at different times. However, in an unthinkable feat, a student last week decided to defy the established norms by both starting and finishing a chess game against himself.

“I just wanted to give the ole’ big ole’ middle finger to the establishment, you know? Fuck your societal norms, your taking turns, etcetera. If I want to demolish myself in chess, I’m going to demolish myself in chess,” says the student, who has asked to remain anonymous.

Indeed, it was quite an impressive victory between the student’s identities. The student played for the white side as, “That Kid Who Stared At Me For an Uncomfortably Long Time,” while simultaneously playing for the black side as, “That Guy Who Is Convinced He Knows More About the Subject Than the Professor.”

While “That Kid Who Stared At Me For an Uncomfortably Long Time” technically won, it would be more accurate to say that both sides lost.

By DAVID FIX Nov. 5, 2017

After noticing flags in several male classmates’ dorm rooms stating that “Saturdays Are For The Boys,” many female students are now unsure as to which days belong to which gender.

“I am just a little confused,” admitted sophomore Julie Howard. “Like, I thought all of the days of the week were shared equally, but now it seems as though certain days—specifically Saturdays—are exclusively ‘for the boys.’ First they denied us the right to vote, and now they are stealing days from us. What’s next? Are they going to start paying us less for doing the same job or something?”

When asked about the significance of day ownership, SAFTB flag owner Sam Jones commented, “Honestly, even though I have been given everything that I have ever wanted my entire life, I feel like I deserve more. Saturdays will do for now, but I hope that, eventually, the entire weekend, plus Thursdays and the occasional Wednesday, will be dedicated to me crackin’ open a cold one with my bros.”

By NATHAN ASHANY Nov. 4, 2017

Claudia Sandrovius of Burbank, California was spotted walking across the quad last week in a blue Canada Goose down jacket, three weeks before the start of November.

“It’s just so cold here,” Sandrovius told reporters from underneath her heavy fur-lined hood designed to withstand blizzard conditions. “It never gets this cold on the west coast! I’m from California by the way. I guess I just didn’t know, being from California and all, which is on the west coast, that winter would start so early here.”

Many students, all wearing sweatshirts and shorts, told reporters that they noticed Sandrovius walking briskly across the quad tightly clutching a large cup of Café coffee. She has also been seen muttering to herself about “the holiday season” repeatedly across campus.

“She thinks it’s like Christmas Eve or something” junior Lee Debrin told reporters, “but it’s gotta be like 65 degrees right now. 60 at the lowest. I swear I heard her talking about building her first snowman after class… I can’t even fathom how she thinks that’s remotely possible.”

Friends of Sandrovius also noted that her early use of winter gear is not limited to outerwear, reporting that she “never shuts the fuck up about her Bean Boots.”

Caludia Sandrovius is originally from the west coast. California, specifically.

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Nov. 2, 2017

Last weekend, many parents travelled to Bowdoin to visit their son or daughter. One such student, first-year Sarah Griffith, reported that after a pleasant Friday of showing her parents around the quad, going to dinner at Frontier, and even spending a little time at a College House party, she was sexiled by her parents late Friday night.

“I came back to my dorm to find a sock on my door,” Griffith said. “At first, I thought it was my roommate, but then I checked my phone and saw I had a text from my mom saying, ‘We need the room.’ I have washed my sheets everyday since then, but I still don’t like sleeping in them.”

“We had a really nice time visiting Sarah,” commented Mrs. Griffith. “We felt a little bad for sexiling her, but, hey, we had to relive our college days. Also, we’ve been fucking nonstop since she left for college so I guess it’s just a force of habit, you know?”

Sources say that Griffith’s parents were not planning on sexiling her, but after having a few Natty Lights and hearing “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly in a sweaty College House basement, there was nothing that could stop them.

By SHONA ORTIZ Nov. 1, 2017

Beloved first year Jamie Sullivan was found dead Tuesday night after failing to send a Halloween chain text to 10 of her closest friends.

While studying in Smith Union on Monday, Sullivan received the message from a classmate urging her to forward it along to her friends or face the consequences. Witnesses say she opened it, but then immediately dismissed it as “something that’s like, so totally fifth grade” and failed to forward it. However, less than 24 hours later, Sullivan’s body was found by a jogger at Farley Field surrounded by mini packs of Skittles and with a Jack-o-Lantern on her head. An anonymous note left at the scene of the crime read “Trick or treat, bitch.”

In response, Randy Nichols advises students to take extra precautions this upcoming holiday season. “I would recommend forwarding messages to at least twenty friends for upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas. And don’t let your guard down Veterans’ Day either. Keep your phone on max volume and vibrate if you really want to be safe.”

When asked for comment, the student who forwarded Sullivan the text, Jessa Gallagher, replied, “I always forward chain texts just to be safe. And I mean, it said ‘Or else.’ It did warn her. That was a chance I didn’t feel comfortable taking. Clearly I was right. And Jamie was the spookiest slut I know.”