By JACK SHANE Feb. 7, 2020
In a recent press release, Deutsche Bank announced that it had accidentally hired the wrong white guy six years earlier and only noticed last week. Internal documents show that the mix up was caused by 78% of resumes being labelled “White Guy”.
Continue reading “Wrong White Guy Hired at Investment Bank, Nobody Notices”
by Theo Danzig Feb. 6, 2020
Republicans celebrated Wednesday evening as President Trump was acquitted of both impeachment charges. However, while Trump was absolved of obstruction of Congress, senior White House staffers informed the Harpoon that Trump’s bowel obstruction remains very much unresolved.
Continue reading “Trump Acquitted of Obstruction of Congress, Bowel Obstruction Unresolved”
by JACK SHANE Dec. 5, 2019
According to many reports from the campaign trail, Obama’s best friend and Ukraine aficionado, Joe Biden, has been giving speeches that touch many in the crowds, and also include some emotionally moving language.
Continue reading “Report: Biden Has Touching Speech, Also Says Some Emotional Words”
by NICHOLAS CATTANEO Nov. 14, 2019
Last Friday, the CDC broke the news of an outbreak of a new antibiotic resistant “super flu” originating from our very own campus. Their report chronicled that the mutation was only possible as a result of the coupling of Bowdoin’s incredibly close-knit community with Bowdoin students’ stubborn refusal to take even a single sick day.
Continue reading “REPORT: CDC Blames Bowdoin for Outbreak of Super-Flu”
by HOLLY LYNE Oct. 29, 2019
Stars: they’re just like us, except when they aren’t. And when it comes to skincare, they’re nothing like us.
Continue reading “Celebrity Skincare Routine is Just Drinking Water and Plastic Surgery”
By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019
After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”
Continue reading “Trump Moves Troops to Wisconsin to Protect Cheese Curds”
by Theo Danzig October 4, 2019
JUUL labs was embroiled in controversy this past week, amid claims that its newest pod flavor, Breastmilk, is targeted toward infants. The FDA has sought to ban the breastmilk pods, claiming that their primary consumers are babies. JUUL’s lawyers argue that the breastmilk pods are intended for nicotine users of all ages.
Continue reading “JUUL Denies Breast Milk Pods Targeted at Infants”
by LIA KORNMEHL Oct. 2, 2019
No one was surprised when, after a few moments of grunting, pushing, and eye rolling, Nancy Pelosi announced a formal impeachment inquiry concerning President Donald Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president.
by SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sep. 25, 2019
A new report conducted by eighth grader Robbie Stamps has found conclusively that the Great Depression, the worst economic downturn in the history of the industrialized world, was “very sad.”
Continue reading “Report by Eighth Grader Finds Great Depression “Very Sad””
by BLAINE STEVENS February 11, 2019
Based on the in-depth testimonies of all 60 million middle-aged fathers across the country, a new study published in the peer-reviewed sociological journal, Playboy, confirmed the long-believed speculation that 100% of dads would, in fact, give their left nut to go back to the summer of ‘83.
Continue reading “New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83”
The Bowdoin Harpoon 