by HOLLY LYNE April 4, 2019
The dankest new wellness trend is blazing into Bowdoin: CBD. “The College is thrilled to announce that the beloved C-Store will be renovated and renamed the CBD-Store,” announced Director of Counseling and Wellness, Dr. Bernie R. Hershberger. “We have just begun remodeling the space and ordering a new inventory. The ribbon cutting ceremony for the brand new CBD-Store will take place on April 20 at 4:20 PM.”
APRIL 2, 2019
By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)
Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:
1. EXCLUSIVELY INCLUSIVE
The acceptance rate for the Class of 2023 “plunged” below 9 percent, much to the relief of anxious students and helicopter parents across Westchester and Fairfax counties. With a single digit acceptance rate, Bowdoin becomes an infinitely better institution despite literally nothing substantively changing about the school. Senior Vice President for Diversity and Inclusion Michael Reed was not available for comment on the newly released acceptance numbers.
Learn more about “the polar plunge” here.
2. LIFE UNDER THE CANDLE BAN
After a 2nd candle-related fire in five weeks, the college has announced a total and complete ban on candles. Members of the Bowdoin community wonder whether the next step is to also ban all notebooks and/or copies of the Orient from dorms due to their equally flammable properties. With the ban taking effect, there are also concerns how students will spark their intellectual curiosity without the assistance of a candle.
Learn what else Bowdoin wants to take from you here.
3. E-BOARD ANNOUNCES IVIES ACTS: ALL THREE FANS REJOICE
Earlier this week, the E-Board announced a star studded lineup to compete with the likes of Coachella and Gov Ball. Students everywhere were shocked by how the E-Board managed to get such an electric lineup with only $123,000. During Thursday’s concert, the Bowdoin Film Society will be screening the Lion King, hoping to rival the crowds for Lion Babe.
Find out more about Ivies here.
4. CURLING LIVES UP TO THE HYPE
After an 8th place finish at Nationals, Bowdoin Curling may have cemented itself as the best sports team by wins per dollar spent. Their success was in large part due to pre-match stretching to ensure optimal sweeping form.
Learn what it takes to curl here.
5. (some of the) ENROLLED STUDENTS SURVEY
Earlier this March, Bowdoin administered the Enrolled Student Survey with about 50% percent of students not participating, despite repeated pestering from Dean Tim Foster’s e-mail robot. Nonetheless, students that filled out the survey were able to feel the silent judgment of a Qualtrics server as they answered questions on their drinking and sleeping habits. Upon analysis of the survey, the report will be given to the 2019 Class Council. Questions are already being raised about whether Council President Henry Bredar will choose to keep this information from the public.
Find out if President Bredar will release the report here.
Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!
Compiled by Will Hausmann
by FREDERICKA HIBBS Mar. 28, 2019
“Honestly, fuck that guy,” was Kanbar’s immediate response when asked to comment on Massachusetts Hall’s recent antics. And he’s not the only one—this sentiment seems to be a resounding consensus throughout all the campus constructions.
Continue reading “Mass Hall a “Total Masshole” According to Other Academic Buildings”
by ARCHER THOMAS Mar. 27, 2019
According to most long-time inhabitants of Kis Omak, a refugee camp in Lebanon, it all started with the opening of a trendy, hipster latrine called “Shitspot.” Within a week, hundreds of marginally-less traumatized refugees from Iraq began flooding the mostly Syrian camp, driving up rents and diminishing the quirky charm the camp had developed.
Continue reading “Refugees from Slightly Less War-Torn Country Begin Gentrifying Refugee Camp”
by Theo Danzig Mar. 26, 2019
The Brunswick Police last week uncovered a massive enterprise run by the Bowdoin Chemistry Department to manufacture crystal methamphetamine. The Department had hired engineers to drill under the basement of Druckenmiller Hall and built a state of the art facility using equipment from their own laboratories.
by JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 25, 2019
Hey, I’m sure you had a wild spring break hiking the Everglades, getting an individually tailored McGruff the Crime Dog costume, or finally obtaining the currently sealed Special Counsel Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. But, guess what? I really don’t want to hear it.
by AINE LAWLOR Mar. 7, 2019
I am a sophomore and I just declared a major life crisis and a minor substance abuse problem.
Continue reading “Sophomore Just Declared a Major Life Crisis”
by ELIZA JEVON Mar. 5, 2019
Students have questioned Professor Edward Wright’s political views for quite some time now. While he claims that he “doesn’t want to share his political views” out of fear that he will “influence” his reportedly “center-Marxist” students, his students suspects otherwise.
At first, students thought Professor Wright’s strange bodily tendency to lean rightwards was some sort of hip impediment. Though it seemed a bit odd, they nonetheless wanted to respect all different types of stances, even if they did not believe in climate change. The students did not want to be rude and point out his right-leaning position, but they were growing a bit concerned.
Professor Wright’s government class has observed and recorded his behavior in a carefully dated catalogue. On January 22, he wore a quarter-zip with an elephant insignia on his left breast. “I’m a Tufts alumnus!” he said a little too emphatically. For two weeks in a row, beginning on January 24, he only used red pen to correct papers, and only gave “A”s to those who earned a 90 or above. On February 2, he stated that he hated giving class handouts. From February 1 to February 8, he even used a mug that said “no taxation without representation.” He claims he also “teaches a class on the American Revolution.”
Then, finally, on February 11, something pushed him over the edge. In almost slow-motion, Professor Wright’s body leaned farther and farther to the right until he just fell right over. Eyewitnesses reported gasps and screams, and described the class rushing over to help him up and ask if he was alright.
“What happened?!” they all cried.
“It’s…it’s…it’s because… I lean right!” Mr. Wright confessed. The students, gleefully cheering and rallying, joined hands–they had successfully outed one of the bourgeois! Down with the patriarchy! The students marched around the campus chanting, “Free the proletariat,” until they all rushed off to their next class with Professor Goldstein.
Doctors anticipate Mr. Wright will soon be released from Midcoast Hospital. He now goes to physical therapy twice a week to correct his body position and attends daily counseling sessions with Bowdoin Republicans. His government class thinks of him often and has been sending him many care packages. They even sent him a donkey to ride to and from class.
To learn how you can best support Professor Wright during this difficult time, please contact the GOP or the welfare division of the Portland municipal government.
MAR. 4, 2019
By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)
Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:
1. CRUNCHY LIBERALS PRETEND IT’S NOT WINTER
The recently revamped Bowdoin Climate Action (BCA) is undergoing significant change, but some things will always stay the same: they are still trying to convince politicians that winter doesn’t exist. A week ago protesters organized outside Senator Susan Collins office, oddly enough wearing winter jackets and standing next to snow banks that this mysterious “global warming” should have eliminated the need for. The group protesting also shared personal stories with Senator Collins, but failed to recognize that she doesn’t have feelings.
Learn how you can fight the climate hoax perpetrated by China here.
2. BOWDOIN PUTS ON PLAY: “HOW TRUMP GOT ELECTED”
Sweat, aka How Trump Got Elected, was put on this weekend to explore those mysterious people who don’t live 25 miles from a coast. Hopefully, this play will provide for lots of boring and drawn out opining by all our friendly government majors this week. However, the play may be inaccessible to Bowdoin students because it covers topics such as working in a factory, living in poverty, and just working in general.
If you missed Sweat, at least you can pretend you saw it by reading here.
3. BOWDOIN MUSIC AIMING FOR NESCAC DOMINATION
The music department is seeking to have greater sway in the admissions process, as it looks to have increased programming in the coming years. Bowdoin music has the potential to be renowned by grandmothers across Southern Maine, but it will need some help from admissions officers. However, if spots are being given to athletes, children of wealthy alumni, winners of national competitions, and now talented musicians, one is left to wonder whether there is much room for mediocre and unexciting students such as this column’s author.
Want to get into Bowdoin? Find out if your kazoo skills will help here.
4. BOWDOIN STUDENTS CELEBRATE THEIR ARTSY PHOTO SPOT
After Gulf of Maine Books celebrated its 40th anniversary this past week, the resident artsy trendsters of Bowdoin celebrated their “favorite” spot. Gulf of Maine Books has been a top spot for Bowdoin students whether they want to snap a “whimsical” Insta story or make all their Snapchat buddies think they actually read books. Despite the frequent visits of camera-laden students, the owner’s of the shop reported selling only 3 books, so far, to Bowdoin students this academic year.
Want people to think you’re smart? Get the inside scoop on Gulf of Maine books here.
5. FARLEY FIELD HOUSE OVERCROWDED, BOWDOIN DOME NEXT BUILDING PROJECT?
As spring sports struggle for space and time in Farley, there seem to be two options left to save Bowdoin Athletics. They may schedule practices between 8:30 and 4:30 to allow for more practice time and to give a mildly legitimate reason for athletes to skip class. Athletics is also exploring the option of gutting half the financial aid budget to build a 100,000 sq ft dome in the middle of the quad for all season athletics. In response to the proposal, Bowdoin Football Instagram has begun using #buildthedome on their posts.
Understand the #buildthedome movement here.
POLL QUESTION: Should Bowdoin #buildthedome? Please respond here.
Last Week’s Poll: Would your middle school basketball team beat Tufts?
Love the Oriental Express? Share it with the Oddest Duck you know!
Compiled by Will Hausmann
by Theo Danzig Mar. 3, 2019
In a school-wide email, the Judicial Board announced that for the foreseeable future, it would reject recommendations for student suspensions and probations, and instead only require that students sit on the Judicial Board for the following year. This decision was made after the Judicial Board failed to receive a sufficient number of applications for the 2019-2020 school year.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 